Is the lockdown affecting anyone else’s marriage badly, or are we just screwed?

[UncleBunclesHouse]

DH and I have barely left home for a year. We are at each other’s throats a lot of the time now, bickering and generally don’t have a nice word or civil conversation between us. Or are not really speaking at all.

I’m also heavily pregnant and have anaemia and SPD so not exactly in the cheeriest of moods I imagine. Exercise is my main way of managing my mental health, I have been diagnosed with depression in the past and am on medication, but I can’t even go for a walk. I feel shit. I hate that I can’t stand him touching me, even for a cuddle... I can’t stand anyone else touching me at the moment either tbh. Saw my parents at Christmas after a long wait and really didn’t want to hug them. I can only bear being physically close to DC or the pets.

Is anyone else feeling like this and do you think it’s down to the current situation, or are we actually just f*ed and our marriage is finished?? I’m
scared of how bad things have got. I seriously contemplated mentioning splitting up last night after another argument where I ended up not even knowing what it was about or how we got there :( I don’t feel the same way this morning but just feel very flat and empty and like I want to cry but nothing is coming out

@UncleBunclesHouse you are definitely not alone from what I hear. It’s not normal to be stuck in with one person 24/7 for a year, no matter how much you love them. Never mind with being pregnant and feeling rough.

My advice is not to make any big decisions at such a stressful time. There’s light at the end of the tunnel now.

Thanks @WouldBeGood that’s good to hear I suppose, I’m pretty isolated and not really heard of any friends saying the same, not sure if that means it’s not happening or they’re just not sharing it

I’m in the fortunate position that I don’t live with my DP and am older, but have heard of a lot of people who are really struggling.

Don’t do anything rash, but try to get even wee bits of time alone to do something nice. Save the big decisions til you’re feeling better.

Aww it's tough at the moment, ppl being cooped up spending 24hrs a day together. Everywhere closed dark long cold day's! Situations get Magnified x 100 and tempers can flare! Try not to make any rash hasty decisions hormones are up and down too when you're pregnant, hope thing's get easier, sunnier warm day's are on there way.x

Can you write him a letter/email. Sometimes this is easier than face to face confrontation.

Tell him what you've told us, how much you're struggling. Ask him how he's feeling. Then go from there.

Most people I know whose relationships are surviving lockdown have carved out their own space in the house and aren't spending lots of time talking or just 'being' together. It's all too intense otherwise.

You're pregnant, anaemic, depressed and in lockdown. You're coping with a lot and I'd try to address those issues before I looked at the relationship eg have you chatted with your midwife about how you're feeling; is your anaemia under control; can you try pregnancy yoga to replace the exercise you're missing.

It's easy to get into a cycle of bickering. I agree with the PP who said, this isn't the time to make big decisions. FWIW DH and I have got on well for most of lockdown but I ended up sending him angry text messages the other morning. It's a frustrating time. Sometimes all that stress and frustration spills out in the wrong directions. You shouldn't stay in a bad relationship but it's difficult to tease apart whether your relationship is in trouble or is just struggling under the weight of all the issues.

@UncleBunclesHouse

I think a lot of couples are struggling in isolation (lockdowns) like you are.

Its just that they do not say anything to keep up appearances or are just struggling through like the rest,

Its not natural to be with each other 24/7.

You bound to get on each others nerves at times.
Its a extreme situation we are all.

I know there have been a few/or maybe more who have said as a couple they have enjoyed quality time in Lockdowns,
But it goes to show ,what state their marriages must have been in the first place,😕
before Covid 19 caused havoc in our lives,
For them to feel lockdowns has enhanced improved their relantships .L.o.l 😁

I think you are both normal as a couple to feel this way.

There is glimmers of hope now with nice weather and longer light nights occurring now and lockdown easing up of restraints too.

Don't think or make rash decisions whilst your pregnancy hormones are creating havoc emotionally for you.

Try too look at ways you can enhance your quality of life
Say have a at home spa treatment kind of pamper session.

Why not look up interesting hobbies on the internet to find out more infor on YouTube internet and other websites.

Also can you find out about interesting online events to see on Facebook and other websites online.

Do star gazing with your partner/or on your own, can do that on your door step,no need to travel far.

If you fancy going for a walk in nature/or by the sea,could you catch a taxi to get there, enjoy the time there either walk back home if its a short safe area to walk or catch a taxi back home and have a take away hot drink outside at local cafe or take a flask of hot fav drink

Lockdowns restrictions easing up soon in the pipe line thank god for our national sanity !😁

Also I don't know how far gone you are obviously in pregnancy.

But is it possible you can make a plans/wish lists of what you like to do when lockdowns restrictions are lifted up for e.g such as if its safe to do so join a health spa club in your area or elsewhere ?

obviously you would need to check with your midwife ect whether it be safe to do activities such as hot steam or sauna cause of pregnancy.

I do not think if health spas will be back open soon that the hot steam/saunas will be allowed open cause of the difficulty of doing social distance measures in such a very limited space.

Also doing a plans/wish lists as a couple and as individuals.

Will help to bring you closer together on working together on achieveable goals etc.

Also its something that will cheer you up as a couple bringing /enhancing a sense of positivity as it will be fun , exploring working towards projects etc you like to do.

Also it will help you to keep a sense of your own identity looking/exploring etc what you like to do in the future too as a individual.
Such as you maybe interested in the future doing a course that you are interested in or curious about or picking up a new skills ect

YouTube internet is excellent good for that op.

Thanks everyone, it’s helpful to try to put things in perspective, I’ll try to keep that in mind and not make any decisions.

Good ideas about planning things when we can go out and about again, we have been burned with several holidays cancelled which is probably not helping as you can never get away from work when work is also home. I’ll see if we can sit down and plan some trips or maybe a weekend break. Will be a change if nothing else, hopefully won’t argue about where to go/what to do for that too :(

but I can’t even go for a walk

Why not? Is it because of being heavily pregnant?
It would make a difference if you were able to get out even for just half an hour a day.

It's an awful situation but things will improve slowly in the UK as restrictions are lifted (I am in another country where we are completely fucked. No end in sight. No vaccines available etc.)

It must be an awful strain to be cooped up with someone else 24/7. There ends up being nothing to talk about as nobody has done anything interesting! I'm finding it hard to keep up chatting with friends on zoom as we have nothing to talk about!

Lots of people have suggested some good ideas so far.
See if you can make some time for you and DH to chat about how you could both improve things.
You could have a date evening once a week where you get takeaway and sit down to eat together once the kids are in bed. I'm single but I've noticed it lifts my mood a lot now that I've made Friday "eating in" night where I get a meal from the restaurant around the corner.

You could also watch a film together - get in popcorn etcetc -and make an evening of it. Cinema at home type of thing. It doesn't work though if you're both doing other things at the same time like playing on phones so it would need to be allocated time. Watching a film gives you something to talk about.

Also, as others have suggested, some kind of new hobby for you. Browse amazon for craft kits - there are all kinds of things you'd never imagine.

Something I did last summer to get me through was to plan several day trips (I'm in another country so the rules were different). I wrote the places on pieces of paper and pulled them out of a hat on the days where I had time. It added an element of fun and I really enjoyed it. By the end of the summer I was pulling out places I had forgotten I had listed so it had a real element of surprise. It sounds a bit silly and childish but it helped. As I said, I'm single and it has been really hard and lonely so every tiny thing helps.

@iljatdip yes it’s because of the SPD unfortunately that walking is off the agenda for now

I like the idea of a cinema night, I will suggest that. Different struggles for you being alone although that sounds quite appealing right now tbh!

Hi,

I’m in a very similar position - 34 weeks pregnant with complications, SPD, husband working from home and a 3 year old DS.

In the first lockdown I could have happily chucked him out- we were sick of the sight of each other.

We had to carve time out away from each other - we only had a few evenings a week and a weekend together then suddenly it was 24/7.

I was doing daily walks and jogging, DH going out for a short walk of an evening to replace his commute a few times a week. I’ll spend some evenings in the bedroom having a nice pamper and yoga, while DH meets up with friends online to game (2 nights a week - I’ll have a long bath, face mask etc)

I can’t manage yoga anymore (let alone walks!) with the SPD - I’ve replaced it with meditation instead. I also have depression and anxiety and find it really helps me to relax my mind.

My little one is being delivered in 2 weeks so there is light at the end of the tunnel now - I really like PP advice of a cinema night or planning things for after lockdown.

This lockdown has been particularly hard going, and I only don’t want to kill my DH because we make sure we spend time apart.

Good luck and don’t make any big decisions now

Its like being put inside for a crime you didn’t commit. It’s shit. Our relationship is surviving because we are avoiding and ignoring each other. We don’t sleep together. Right now I couldn’t care if I never saw him again. The only thing getting anyone through this is if they have a lovely, soppy, friendly dog. Everybody else is screwed. Netflix, a dog, chocolate