Head in a total mess ***Trigger Rape***

[Nat6999]

Just over ten years ago I was raped by my then husband, I took ds & left him a week later. I didn't report the rape for nearly a month, I was in Shock, going on autopilot, parts of that month I still can't remember. I did the video interview & he was arrested but the case didn't go to court as the CPS weren't confident of getting a guilty verdict. I was diagnosed with PTSD, tried to commit suicide five times in the next six months, had over two years of counselling & thought that I had processed everything. Ds went to visit his dad yesterday & as he was leaving rang me & told me he had sent me something on WhatsApp that he thought I ought to see ( ds has known what happened since he was old enough to understand) exh had been texting the person who was best man when we got married, they had lost touch from not long before ds was born. Ds had been to sort something on his dad's phone & had read the messages & photographed them, exh was telling best man that I had accused him of raping me & in his own words he "had got away with it & dodged a bullet" As soon as ds had seen the messages he made his excuses & left, since then it has triggered all the PTSD again, I can't sleep, getting flashbacks, feel twitchy, mood swings, I'm trying to not let ds see how I'm feeling because I know he feels guilty for telling me but he felt I had a right to know.

Op I'm really very sorry for what you've been through and I can't imagine the shock of seeing what seems to amount to a confession by your ex.

I have to say I think you have a brave and remarkable son who is surely testament to your parenting.

What is important tonight is that you find someway to make yourself feel safe. Is there anything that has helped in the past?

The Samaritans are also available if you just need to speak to someone.

Don't get yourself stressed about trying to sleep, just focus on the here and now.

Right now you are safe and your ex can't hurt you.

Samaritans number = 116 123

But those of us who are insomniacs are also here.

The thing that annoys me the most is the fact that I have been doing everything I could to help him over the last few years, things like he hadn't got the money to pay for a vet's bill when his dog was dying & I lent him the money or when he was in hospital a couple of years ago I helped ds clean his house up & did a shop for him. I did things mainly to help ds not exh but I have told ds that now that's it, I won't be helping his dad any more, I just can't forgive him or forget, I've tried to but this is the end.

Your humanity is nothing to be ashamed of just because you directed it towards someone who has none.

That said, I'm glad you're withdrawing any further help - for your own sake. If we know nothing else, we know how cunning, manipulative and devious rapists are and it can't be good for you to be drawn into his world.

If you think you might want to investigate seeing if a case against him can be reopened, I'm sure you'll meet with huge support here. But, you don't have to - it's your life and how you chose to move on is entirely in your control, knowing what is best for you.

I think you're going to have a lot to process over the next few days, not just a resurgence of ptsd, do you have someone nearby that you trust who can support you?

I hope you're doing ok, op? I'm going to try for some sleep but will check back tomorrow. If things spin out tonight please do call someone like the Samaritans.

From what you've said, you've shown incredible strength. Just take it easy tonight and don't stress if you can't sleep

Can you take the new evidence to the police? Cps may chnage there view if they have an omission of guilt

Also you don't need to do anything if you don't want to and look after yourself . Is your ds old enough to decide not to see his dad if he doesn't want to?
Look after yourself op x

Ds is old enough to make up his own mind, he is 17 but his dad is a manipulator & accomplished liar, he manipulated & gaslighted me throughout our marriage & definitely through our divorce. I'm pretty sure he has done the same to ds at times.

I would take this new evidence to the Police.

Well done to your son. He clearly believes you no matter how much of a manipulator his father is.
And do not help this man anymore. Look after yourself and step away

How are you, @nat6999?

I'm ok, just trying to lose myself in bingewatching Its a sin.

I'm sorry you went through so much and are now experiencing this. You could speak with Rape Crisis for some support?

How is your ds? Was he aware of what his dad did? It might be worth him engaging with counselling or something as well?

It sounds, ( Mainly for your son’s sake, but also because of your decent and good humanity ), you have supported your exh in several ways over the years.....

We are all to some extent, anchored to our past by memories, like a ship anchored to the jetty, never completely pulling away.....

But it’s time, although it will take great spiritual strength, to raise and free that metaphorical anchor, cast it, and sail free, say goodbye to the shore, ( Your exh ), and live your best life.

Bless.

category12 Ds is very quiet, he is autistic & had a massive meltdown yesterday, he hasn't spoken much to me today, he came home late from school as he has been involved in training at school as he is working as a volunteer in their testing site next week & disappeared up to his room. He is only at school for the morning tomorrow & I'm hoping he will be able to sit down for a chat tomorrow. (*Post edited by MNHQ to remove potentially identifying info).

I am so proud of him, I keep telling him but I often think he doesn't realise how proud I am of him. To everyone saying I should try to report exh again, in a way he has got his life sentence, he has MS & since we split up had got a lot worse, he is in a wheelchair, a prisoner in his bungalow, only sees his carers most days & can't do much for himself.

Ive reported your last post as the video of your son is very easy to find...the identifying info needs to be removed

What do I need to do? Could my post be edited to remove that part?

Report it and ask for it to be edited.

I've reported it & asked for it to be edited.

@Nat6999 You might already have this is hand but what support does your son get as a young carer?

I ask because I wonder if he'd benefit from some counselling - on top of this stressful year, knowing your father attacked your mother and then finding evidence of it must be a headf**k.

Additional support for him might also join you because you'll hopefully worry about him less.

I think it might also helpful for you to talk to someone (semi) professional - not because I think you're screwed up (I don't!) But because its a huge burden your carrying, not just for yourself but for your son too.

Maybe gp, or Rape Crisis when they have lots of trained ppl who can listen or advise as required.

I hope you're both doing a little better today

TaraR2020 Ds is a member of Young Carers & receives support & counselling from them, we both are taking part in 12 weeks of counselling through his school as well.