I’m convinced he’s cheating but he’s not

[marblepillars]

This is going to sound so stupid

I’ve been with my OH for two and a half years. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had and we very rarely argue or have any issues. We’re both divorcees; he’s met my DC and I’ve met his.

I’ve recently become convinced he’s either cheating on me or going to cheat on me and then leave me for the OW. Just to clarify, this is all in my head and he’s never cheated before (and frequently has mentioned how he detests those who do). But for some reason I’m utterly convinced he’s cheating

Obviously I haven’t mentioned it to him because I don’t want to upset him by instituting that he’s doing something he’s not. But I keep checking his phone (I don’t have his password but I look through his notifications etc), look at who he follows on stuff, who’s liked his posts, etc. It’s making me so upset because I’m crazy and I know my behaviour is toxic! But I can’t stop. I’ve even considering ending the relationship because I’ve convinced myself he’ll leave me eventually so I may as well end it first

My previous marriage ended for a multitude of reasons, his infidelity being one. So maybe I’m just convinced it’s going to happen again because of that.... because it was around 2/3 years in my XH began an affair

Please help! I’m driving myself mad and becoming so upset. I feel like I’m going crazy :(

I think it's probably more of a 'timing' issue.
If 2-3 years in is the time when others have cheated, then subconsciously you may have determined this is a 'danger' time in a relationship.

Stop looking on his phone. Consider counselling.

Definitely arrange counselling. Sounds like the last relationship gave you a heap of insecurities.
You'll feel so much better if you can sort your head out.

Yeah... you need therapy. I don't mean that in a nasty, belittling way. There is nothing to be ashamed of in asking for help, especially when you're upsetting yourself and you KNOW you're being irrational. A therapist will help you understand the root cause of your insecurities and hopefully help you move past it.

Rarely does a relationship survive if there's no trust.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think counselling would be beneficial and have been wondering if I should look into it but I always convince myself other people need it more than me and I’m taking up resources, especially when it’s a problem that I’ve completely created in my mind if that makes sense

I didn’t think XH left me with insecurities (even though the marriage was a shitshow) until way after it hit me and realised that he really did. I feel so bad for (in my mind, I haven’t told him any of this ofc!) accusing/expecting OH to have done something because of my own insecurities

How old are you and do you feel like this all of the time? I ask because I wonder if it could be hormonal, there have been posts on MN where posters say how their monthly cycle affects how they feel towards their partners - progesterone can be brutal and create all manner of paranoia, anxiety and lack of self esteem. It’s just a thought and might be worth tracking your emotions.