Revisiting an old choice

[Carouselfish]

Was thinking tonight about a decision I made 10 years ago.
Was in a relationship with a driven, successful, handsome man who was crazy about me. The downside was, I was lukewarm about him, for no logical reason, just pheromones, and he had had the snip. I desperately wanted children, he offered to get it reversed but I was scared and ended things. He could have given me everything I ever wanted apart from children and I suppose, a red hot relationship.
Now, I'm in a relationship with someone I'm not attracted to but, we have two children together. That is it. I've got the children but none of the other stuff/lifestyle I would have wanted. I'm past the point of thinking I could have or inspire the red hot aspect with anyone anyway.
Feeling guilty for thinking it, but weighing up whether I did the right thing and I don't think I did. I love my children but am not the best mum anyway while I don't love my life.
No questions really, just want to vent. Bloody Sliding Doors of life choices. If only I'd had a crystal ball.

Wow that's difficult. I did a similar thing - put having children above all else. Like you, l am not the mother l thought l would be and have struggled with it a fair amount. My mind wanders to other lives a lot. There is still such pressure in society to choose the conventional path and for women that is still having children. Everyone talks about the great overwhelming love you will have for your children but not so much about all the sacrifices and the fact that they can seriously mess up your relationship and choices in life. If l knew what l do now l think l would have done things differently.

The best piece of advice I was given is that you reach a junction and you have to turn left or right . You cannot see all the roundabouts and give ways ahead . All you can do is make the judgement at that time that best suits the situation.

I'd say that musing over your choices won't help.

Find a way ahead now. Can you work on your marriage and move things on? If not, what choices do you have?

Happiness is quite hard to grab, it can be fleeting. Can you find a better way forward?

I've made at least three big errors in my life. I need to find a way ahead inspite of them.

Even if you didn't have children now, you might not want the "red hot" side of life in the same way. you might want someone with different values and purpose. Eg a driven successful man might feel cool when you're 25 but at 45 he might seem a bit of a status-obsessed twonk. I'm sure your dude was lovely, just saying as an example! You can't judge what 'present you' might want based on what 'past you' wanted.

So you just like that he is successful and handsome? I don't reckon you would be happy in a relationship with him either.

Have you always felt like this about your husband or is it since the children arrived?

You trusted your instincts because you were lukewarm about him, I don't know how long you were with him for but it seems it was early days? It may of never got that serious anyway despite what some men say in lust.

What an odd post.

You prioritised wanting children at the cost of other things in a relationship like chemistry / connection / intimacy.

Now you're feeling unfulfilled because you got the thing you wanted but now realise it's left you feeling sold short - but this was the bargain you made & seemingly wanted!

Now you're pondering over some bloke you didn't even like due to pheremones (i.e he didn't smell good to you, lacked chemistry) because he was handsome & financially well off & adored you.

So presuming you chose to procreate with a man you felt was unattractive, poor & doesn't put you up on a pedestal.

You sound like someone who will be permanently dissatisfied at whatever they choose in life & put "things" at the forefront of your decisions rather than "feelings" - yet wondering why your relationship lacks authenticy.

It genuinely sounds to me like now you got your kids out of someone, you're considering dumping them & going back to Option A - because if you're going to feel a lack of attraction to a partner they may as well be OK to look at, financially well off & adore you!

People aren't things to just service your needs - you know that right?

I think most of us would like a crystal ball !
Even if he had the snip reversed it might not have worked and you would have always wondered what life would be like with children.

There was a reason you were lukewarm. it was not meant to be.

Life is not perfect and you have to work at marriage as domesticity can take over and drown the special relationship you have with your partner.
Make time for each other. It's a nice thing to do, and not hard if you put a little effort in.

Well @gutful, you're not all wrong except the last bit. All my bad decisions were feelings based. I wish I'd been colder and things based as you say.

It wasn't just the successful, handsome bit, he was a lovely guy too and challenged himself to do new things all the time. Polite, charming. Ha!

Current partner was an attempt to date outside of type, as my type was always musicians and artists and they are rubbish at settling down. Or maybe it's all timing.

It IS all timing.

Thanks to the poster who suggested looking forwards instead of back. You're right, it's hard to think about things for me while I've got young children but I'll try to cram something in!

As a PP said, you can't assume that if you had stayed with him, things would have stayed red-hot. Me and my ex had all the things you state when we got together: we challenged ourselves, were lovely to each other, fancied the pants off each other and started a family. Despite all that, we still divorced after ten years because "red hot" passion tends fade a little once kids arrive and your once-fresh lover becomes a dull dad you know pretty much back to front. If excitement and passion are what's important to you then I can pretty much guarantee it'd worn off by now and you might be saying exactly the same thing: that things had changed over time and your feelings are now lukewarm.

I am assuming because he has had the snip - he already had children, was divorced and was older than you?

There may be good reasons that he was divorced that you didn’t get to see and you might well be the childless step parent to some difficult teens - honestly my own teens are bad enough - couldn’t imagine bringing up someone else’s. As is often stated on here have a look at the step parenting board to see how tough that is.

Maybe you dodged a bullet?

What can you do to support / address this challenging part of your marriage?