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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trusting new partner

16 replies

gelatogina · 03/03/2021 22:10

How do you trust a new partner after spending 8 years with an alcoholic spouse who constantly gaslighted you...

I’ve finally met someone who I see a future with, but I’m so afraid that he will end up having alcohol or drug issues and my constant vigilance is making him angry and upset. I’m afraid every time we speak that he has been secretly drinking. I have seen a few warning signs, but I’m driving him away and I can’t tell if it’s me being over sensitive or if he really has issues.

I don’t know what to believe any more.

Any advice appreciated.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 03/03/2021 22:24

Don't lock yourself into a relationship. Keep it casual.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/03/2021 23:54

You have seen warning signs and he gets angry with you. Don't put yourself through a relationship with someone showing red flags who go gets angry with you at an early stage Thanks

SarahBellam · 04/03/2021 04:39

What do you mean by warning signs? A few beers on a Friday night is very different to smelling alcohol on his breath when he comes out of the bathroom at 9am on a Tuesday morning. It could be that you’re absolutely right about warning signs or it could be that you hyper vigilant. What is your gut instinct telling you?

Downthefarm · 04/03/2021 05:22

Trust yourself.

joystir59 · 04/03/2021 05:28

He is a new partner. You don't trust him. That is absolutely fine. You follow your own good instincts. Trust cannot be forced and him getting angry and upset is a warning sign

VegetarianDeathCult · 04/03/2021 05:31

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You have seen warning signs and he gets angry with you. Don't put yourself through a relationship with someone showing red flags who go gets angry with you at an early stage Thanks
This, absolutely. The angry response would alarm me, whether or not he drinks to excess.

(Why would he be ‘secretly drinking’, though? I mean, if you’d phoned me while I was making dinner tonight, I’d have had a glass of red wine but you wouldn’t know unless you asked...? Are you expecting him to be teetotal?)

Original poster
gelatogina · 04/03/2021 05:54

@SarahBellam

What do you mean by warning signs? A few beers on a Friday night is very different to smelling alcohol on his breath when he comes out of the bathroom at 9am on a Tuesday morning. It could be that you’re absolutely right about warning signs or it could be that you hyper vigilant. What is your gut instinct telling you?
He did come round one morning smelling faintly of alcohol and acting strangely. He blamed it on lack of sleep along with drinking late the night before. I wasn’t sure whether to believe him or not.

Also other odd behaviour, it’s all not enough to be certain but my gut instinct is saying it’s an issue.

I’m heartbroken as I’ve been searching for this for so long. We are otherwise perfect apart from this issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
gelatogina · 04/03/2021 05:57

He gets frustrated as he feels I’m ruining a perfectly good time and that he is under suspicion constantly. I can see how that would be annoying if you didn’t think you had a problem.

I don’t expect him to be teetotal but heavy drinking is a massive turn off and also if he is lying to me about drinking that’s a dealbreaker.

I just cannot work out if I’m being gaslighted or not.

OP posts:
interest12 · 04/03/2021 06:09

You sound a bit controlling. Just let him live and if he drinks so be it. There seems no reason at this stage to compare him to your ex and you’ll not give the relationship a chance if judge him based off your past

LivingDeadDoll · 04/03/2021 07:06

In your position, I would keep it casual in my head.

Is he a heavy drinker? Does he have a drink problem? Who knows. At this stage, it doesn't matter particularly except that, due to your experiences, it matters a lot to you.

Break it down a bit.

Most people will smell of alcohol if they have had a heavy drinking session the night before. So let's take that.

What is your line? Is a heavy drinking session occasionally ok to you? If it is then, then a one off like that isn't a massive issue. However, if that's not ok with you, then it is.

It's hard when you like someone except for 'just this one thing' but this one thing is something that is hugely important to you. And these 'just this one thing' things usually are. Perfect except for his drinking; perfect except for his porn use; perfect except for the sex...

From my perspective, an occasional night out or weekend with friends that left someone smelling of alcohol wouldn't bother me - an occasional blowout is fine. But if it were often - every night out or every weekend or they'd been drinking at home alone, I would know that there wasn't any chance of it becoming a serious thing. If I were up for something casual then fair enough. If not, i would end it.

It is true though, you will ruin it anyway if you don't trust him. I start from a position of trust but, if it's broken, I won't hang around however good everything else is.

ShadierThanaPalmTree · 04/03/2021 07:23

When I read your OP my initial thought was - are you sure that you're ready for a new relationship? How long has it been since you split with the ex? Because it seems that you haven't worked through your own issues and feelings from that relationship. And in the kindest way possible, taking those issues into a new relationship can almost guarantee its failure before it has even begun.

That being said, is this new guy aware of your past relationship and the effect it has had on you? If he is aware, I would expect him to be more tolerant (at least for a few months) and reassuring rather than getting angry at you. From his perspective it must be difficult to be accused and questioned for someone else's mistakes!

It's hard to say if you are worrying about nothing or not, as us MNetters can only see the relationship from a very small snippet and from your perspective. My advice would be to trust your gut instinct op.

Original poster
gelatogina · 04/03/2021 08:14

@ShadierThanaPalmTree

When I read your OP my initial thought was - are you sure that you're ready for a new relationship? How long has it been since you split with the ex? Because it seems that you haven't worked through your own issues and feelings from that relationship. And in the kindest way possible, taking those issues into a new relationship can almost guarantee its failure before it has even begun.

That being said, is this new guy aware of your past relationship and the effect it has had on you? If he is aware, I would expect him to be more tolerant (at least for a few months) and reassuring rather than getting angry at you. From his perspective it must be difficult to be accused and questioned for someone else's mistakes!

It's hard to say if you are worrying about nothing or not, as us MNetters can only see the relationship from a very small snippet and from your perspective. My advice would be to trust your gut instinct op.

It’s been five years, but this is the first serious relationship since. He is aware, he said he would not give me anything to worry about but it appears those were just words. I think he is angry more that I’m ‘ruining things’, frustrating to keep on being accused I’m sure.

Thank you for the thoughtful response, I agree I do need to deal with these issues or else it is destined to fail. I will look into some counselling today.

OP posts:
Dery · 04/03/2021 08:49

“He is aware, he said he would not give me anything to worry about but it appears those were just words. I think he is angry more that I’m ‘ruining things’, frustrating to keep on being accused I’m sure.”

They weren’t necessarily just words but his and your definition of what is a cause for worry are probably not aligned. As PP have said, smelling of alcohol in the morning after a heavy session the night before is usual so it really depends on whether these heavy sessions are more frequent than you can tolerate.

I have read that our sense of smell is closely located to the memory part of our brains and that may well be part of the problem here. I had an extremely upsetting and disturbing experience involving someone who was binge drinking. That happened 20+ years ago but certain stale alcohol smells even now can take me right back to how I felt then. Your memories are from a much more extended period and much fresher so I think that’s what happening here. And it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything excessive about this man’s drinking. But it may be that you need someone who’s effectively tea total or you need to give it time to see whether you can live with his drinking habits. And perhaps there is scope for him to decrease them.

It doesn’t sound like anyone’s really at fault here. The question is whether this makes you incompatible.

DianaT1969 · 04/03/2021 18:26

Is he pushing to get married or move in together? Why can't you keep it casual dating? He might not be a perfect human, but if you like his company just see him. Forget any 'he's the one' and I want to lock this down so that I can pick up his socks everyday and wait up in a bad mood if he goes for a drink after work.

Long-term, if you move on from this man, could you say on dating sites that you want to date someone teetotal and make it a deal-breaker? There are plenty of teetotalers, although they would also include recovering alcoholics.

But the main thing is to chill and relax. Not police him or expect a certain level of behaviour. Just date him. If you both decide you want to get married, you can review it.

sapphired · 04/03/2021 19:02

I had an abusive alcoholic ex and I can't bear to be around drunk men. Luckily my DH hardly drinks at all.
My BiL however is showing all the signs of being an alcoholic and I seem to be the only one who sees it.
I think an experience like that gives you spider senses and a strong gut instinct which you should follow.
Take it very slow and listen to that instinct- it is probably right

Original poster
gelatogina · 06/03/2021 06:08

Just to update you, my senses were correct. He is in a scary place with addiction.

I’ve ended things. I’m devastated but at least I caught it early. Thank you for all the advice and TRUST YOUR GUT!

OP posts:
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