Has cannabis changed his personality?

[TinySongstress]

I've been seeing someone on and off for a couple of years. He lives on his own, as do I. We reconciled last year and within 6 weeks he'd been signed off work with anxiety and depression. I didn't see it coming at all but am entirely sympathetic having been there myself. He locked himself away and I tried to support him with advice.

Since that, he's turned up at my house in a blind rage, blaming me for his breakdown, threatening to hurt/kill himself saying he's going to have to change jobs & move house because of me. We work in the same trade but this is absolutely ludicrous, we don't cross paths and I'd never turn up at his home unannounced.
He broke some stuff and eventually left.

I should add at this point that at some point last year he started smoking cannabis. I'm just really struggling to reconcile the man I thought I knew with who he is now. Can cannabis really do this to a person? He says it chills him out but I suspect it's actually fucking up a man with already delicate mental health.

I'm struggling to let go of caring for this guy, but I need to, don't I?

Possibly but probably just a dickhead anyway. He's chooses to smoke it, he chooses to behave badly, it's not your fault however much he blames you and you cannot save him.
Speaking from experience, the only thing you can do is leave him and take control of your own happiness, all he will ever do is drain you emotionally.

Thank you @seensome

It IS draining me emotionally. Perhaps the smoking has revealed his true self, but because I've also crawled out of depression and know there is another side I wanted to help him. You're right though, I can't save him.

It seems the more I care, the more contemptuous and hate filled he becomes towards me. I've asked him to block me but he says he doesn't want to, and I'm struggling to.

I need to grow a spine.

It's hard when you have feelings there and you want help but unfortunately he's not seeing it like that. It's just a vicious circle of arguments until you are strong enough to stop it. Take some time to be single, enjoy the peacefulness of no drama then hopefully you'll have the chance to meet someone more mentally stable when your ready, he is just holding you back from the life you deserve.

DP smokes and it makes him nothing like this. It does chill him out and also means he doesn't get a lot of stomach issues which he gets when he doesn't smoke.

However I've also seen someone else who smoked a lot and she was the most paranoid person I've ever met. Maybe it affects some people in different ways. Maybe he's just a knob.

Different drugs might do do different things to different people.

But enough of a him.

Run OP he sounds dangerous and manipulative.

You are worth more.

Thank you PP's. This thread has prevented me from 'checking in' with him tonight.

I've known people smoke it before too and not turn like this, I'm not knocking cannabis perse, but I see that his problems do seem to have started around the same time...

You're all right, of course.

He did scare me a bit when he came round that night, I've genuinely never seen anyone look at me with such contempt and hatred.

I think a lot of people downplay the dangers of cannabis (ex user myself). It's so strong especially skunk etc.

It's linked with episodes of psychosis and personality disorders in some people. Especially as these days it is so strong.

You do need to move on from this man, whatever, he sounds really dangerous. Keep yourself safe though in the process.

He's likely smoking skunk weed OP, and in 1st stage of associated paranoia.

I doesn't bother me if people smoke weed, as long as they can handle it.

But Skunk weed is different - I wouldn't let anyone who smokes that shit anywhere near me. It's cheap, readily available and will be the next big mental health epidemic - one day the government might notice that.

You are in danger OP. As kind as you sound, you've your own life and health to deal with. Please take your safety seriously. At the very least, don't be alone with him. Stop engaging with him.

If you think you're the focus of his paranoia (it sounds as if you are) then tell someone in real life. Once they've started breaking things they tend to move on to hitting you.

Please listen to wise advise. He is not safe.

I think it probably is skunk, it has that smell to it. Not that I know much about the variants. Green, sticky?

I needed to hear some of this.
I think I'm suffering from cognitive dissonance between who I thought he was and who he is, or rather, who I wanted him to be.

I'm loathed to walk away from someone suffering a mental health crisis, but as some of you have implied, this is bigger than I can safely deal with.

He is under the GP but it's not enough, the GP doesn't know about his weed use and has suggested CBT etc. I'm not convinced that will even scratch the surface.

It's time to move on.

And yes, his outburst was paranoia/jealousy related after I mentioned a guy at work who was leaving.

Whether cannabis caused it or not is immaterial really, because either way, this man is having significant problems, and they'll impact you, of course.

You don't want to end up taking the blame for all this, do you?

@MorriseysGladioli

God no, although it seems I'm to blame for everything in his life at the moment. I've told him he's being thoroughly unreasonable and I don't accept his accusations. (Because I don't, it seems he wants me to feel guilty or responsible for his breakdown in some way, but I thought we were all good)

This pushing of blame onto me for everything bad in his life has become quite a theme recently, somehow.

It doesn't matter why he is doing this or why he started doing this.

What matters is why you're even entertaining him being in your life at all. I really think it would be beneficial not only to go no contact but to explore why you're feeling this way - to prevent you having this dynamic with someone else in future. It may be a bit of rescuer complex or lack of boundaries in relationships. Worth exploring maybe with a therapist.

If you feel guilty think of it like this - with you to act as his emotional punchbag / safe place to land, he has no reason to change his life and get well. You going no contact keeps you safe and also stops you enabling him to continue.

Please cut him out of your life.

Him smoking weed, not smoking weed, whatever, is totally irrelevant. He's unstable, violent, and potentially very dangerous. Cut him out of your life like a cancerous tumour and never, ever look back.

My local psychiatric hospital has plenty of people who have messed up their brains with drugs, mostly cannabis. Other drugs the effects often wear off when they're off the drug, but with cannabis the effects can be lasting. It can make people paranoid and psychotic.

Smashing stuff up in a jealous rage?

Breaking things on purpose isn't a loss of control, it's a threat - "next time it will be you".

I'm guessing that it was only your stuff that got broken, right? You say he came round to yours and then kicked off - that's completely deliberate behaviour. He didn't hurt anyone or break any of his own gear, he was able to contain the "emotional outburst" until he was in the presence of the intended target, and he stopped presumably when threatened with the police or you were suitably terrified.

All of which means he is a violent abusive man, that's fuck all to do with "mental health".

Google "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft + free pdf docdroid. He has a section on the relationship between drug or alcohol abuse and abusive behaviour.

You really need to cut this idiot out of your life, he is dangerous.

You know it is not your fault. Why are you still wasting time and energy on this person?
"Checking on him" seriously?
You need someone to check in on you. Not the other way round.
Also why didn't you call the police? Coming in in a rage and breaking stuff isn't exactly legal.
Honestly you have to move on. He is a loser and sounds dangerous. Had an ex similar. It just gets worse. His mental health/character is the problem, weed just adds to it.

His mental health crisis is nothing to do with you, you're not his mum. Thank God he didn't try to move in with you.

I managed to talk him down. At least to a point where he drove off like an idiot, but he'd gone.
He kicked the wing mirror of his own car and punched and kicked mine on the way down the drive...

I've now blocked him on everything. Thanks to the PP's who have helped give me some clarity, it was nothing I didn't know already, really.

I guess I have to just go through the motions of being a bit sad at him not being who I thought he was but relieved I'm out of it.

He sounds like a nightmare.

IME avoid men with MH issues. I used to try to "fix" and "help" my ex through his MH crises and suffered a load of abuse for it, and he refused to try to help himself. Never stay with someone because you feel sorry for them.

I would also suggest approaching the police (as PP said) as it will keep a record of it if he harrasses you again and also may stay on his record and help if other women get involved with him.