Is it me?! Am I putting them off?

[melononapear]

I've had 3 dates in the last year. All seemed to go quite well at the time, wasn't an awful lot of us to do so in all three cases we just went for a nice walk and talked.

Got on well with all of them, conversation flowed nicely, no awkwardness. No kisses but we hugged at the end of each date and all seemed good.

Man 1: Very short and basic communication after the date, then a text a few days later saying he didn't want to see me again.

Man 2: One reply post date then completely disappeared off the dating site and never heard from him again.

Man 3: Couple of messages but definitely different sort of 'vibe' from before date messages. Hasn't read my last message (sent yesterday).

What's going on?! Is there something wrong with me that's putting them off in person? I understand that not everyone is compatible and they just might not have fancied me, which is Completely fair enough. But 3 in a row!

Maybe I'm just overthinking everything but I'm just super sad now 😞

My friend had a go for a walk date recently that ended up with a decent seeming honest man saying he would love to see her again as friends, and that maybe if the situation was different and they could maybe have gone for a drink or to a restaurant then maybe it would have been easier to see if there were more of a spark. It reminded me of a date I had last year with someone, we had a great time and really laughed together in the pub, had lunch and a couple of drinks then as we were both driving and couldn't sit around drinking any more we went for a walk around the local town to walk lunch off and carry on chatting. I suddenly felt a bit awkward and different, walking along side by side I couldn't see his face and see where I was going at the same time, if that was the whole date I would have concluded 'no spark' but there was a spark before that so I arranged to see him again. Honestly I'm not trying to cheer you up but I think it might be because of the walking side by side situation, un natural and a bit awkward, can't really look into each others faces properly. I'd try to have your next date when you can at least sit down and have a picnic.

Yeah I get that. I think when you can go for a drink you're a bit more comfortable and relaxed, plus when there are more places to go you can extend the date and spend more time together if it's going well.

It all the cases it seemed to go fine, it wasn't awkward and we were laughing and mildly flirting so it all felt good! But we didn't get to stay out for very long as there was no where to go and the weather wasn't great so we didn't get to spend much time together.

I just remember the last time I was single a couple years ago and in every case I had at least a second date (sometimes more) 😂 I probably am overthinking it but I'm just disappointed because I keep getting my hopes up and it doesn't go anywhere. That's OLD I guess!

This is why I would never go on a walking date. On an initial date I have to sit across from them where I can face them directly. Walking side by side is no good, you can only truly relax enough to chat side by side with someone you know well.

I would say you are not putting the men off but walks aren't really conducive to seeing if there is a spark.

Also, some men online are just wanting something casual even if their profiles say otherwise. They have less chance of this with social distancing so perhaps they lose interest because of that.

I find it difficult enough having conversations with friends on socially distanced walks. I am waiting till later on in the year to resume dating.

I'm not trying to criticise OP but should you be hugging on a first date during covid?

I agree I don't think walks are bringing out the best of a date, in a restaurant or bar, you would be more likely to feel relaxed and flirt more. Also I maybe a little old fashioned but works for me, if a guy really likes me and wants to see me again he will message first.

I have a couple of friends who have been having people over to their houses from online dating for the first date and things have been moving along sexually and emotionally very quickly. I don’t think it’s right (because of covid, otherwise they can do what they want) but my very-uninformed-indirect-sample-of-two is that relationships/sex is developing very rapidly, more so than dating in different non covid times, so connection / sex / hysterical bonding is more available via this route.
And for some people maybe a walk side by side in the park with little direct eye contact doesn’t cut it when the comparison is arriving in someone’s house and having sex on the first night

@Reasonableperson - I must be naive andout of touch with the Covid dating scene. I assumed people were being careful.

Yes, it's you. Your issue is that you didn't happen to be the right person for any of those 3 men. There's nothing you can or should do about it. You are not the right person for LOADS of people. That's because you are special and unique, and you have a combination of qualities that will match some people's needs and not others. Just like the rest of us.

The chances of meeting 3 people in a row who are not the right person are really high. Is every 3rd person you meet the right person for you?

Don't take it personally. That would do more damage to your future dating than anything else. Have some self confidence.

Were any of them knee-tremblingly perfect for you, did you think? And if not, why would you bother with them any further, anyway?

@Reasonableperson I definitely wouldn't invite anyone to my place on a first date, nor would I go to their even in non Covid times! Just seems like a recipe for disaster if you don't get on and I'm quite safety conscious too so it had to be somewhere neutral and outside for me. I do understand why people do it though, most people are struggling a bit at the moment and if you are single it's even worse. We are craving human contact (and sex)

That's a very good point @Eckhart. I try not to take things personally but my general MO is to assume that it's always something wrong with me or something I've done. I'm not hugely confident but it is something I'm working on.

In reality no, none of them were earth shatteringly amazing although they all had potential and one in particular I really did like and thought we could have made something out of it. But there could be many factors at play, including those that have nothing to do with me.

There is someone else I'm talking to but we've decided it's too soon to meet up - I'm wondering now if I should wait until we can go out somewhere properly as I really will be upset if he does the same thing!

Do you just wanted sex?

Do you look like for profile picture?

How long were you chatting to all 3?

Can your friends / family set you up with someone they know?

No I don't just want sex, I want a relationship.

I do, and I've used recent pictures. I do wear make up but nothing 'fake' on me (eyelashes etc) and it's not trowelled on to the extent I'm unrecognisable without it. All pictures taken in the daytime/natural light.

I think around 3hrs for each, maybe a little more or less?

All my family live on the other side of the country and I only have 2 friends. Most of their friends are either female or taken 😂 No job at the moment to meet anyone through!

I'm wondering now if I should wait until we can go out somewhere properly as I really will be upset if he does the same thing

Yes, if there's will be so much resting on this stranger's opinion of you, then you need to spend some time looking into why that's happening. 6 months spent sorting out your self respect will potentially save you many years of miserable relationships.

Spend the time doing things you love, as a treat, all the time. Buy yourself all the flowers/chocolates/posh food etc that you would get from a man who treated you exactly as you would like.

After a while you'll start to understand that if you're worth doing all this lovely stuff for, you must be AWESOME. If a few blokes don't 'get it', well, who cares? You've spent a couple of hours with each of them, and taken less time to forget them. A person as fab as you wouldn't hang her self esteem on a couple of walks with a couple of guys.

Right?

Sorry I meant do you think they just wanted sex sorry

I predict you will have an amazing summer filled with plenty of hot dates OP!

It’s just the awkwardness of the pandemic, you have to really like someone to enjoy going on a 3 hour walk with them. Whereas having dinner is more enjoyable if you’re still trying to figure out what you think of someone you’re meeting for the first time.

I know this isn’t in the spirit of the pandemic, but if I was on a first date I think I’d have a mini picnic in the park to break up walking a bit. Nothing substantial, just grab a drink from a nearby cafe or takeaway lunch from a restaurant. 3 hours of pure walking would probably put me off

Ah I see @RevolvingPivot!

I'm not sure. I don't think so, neither of them seemed to indicate that but maybe they were and could tell I wasn't up for that.

@flakymate thank you very much! I certainly hope you're right 😂

OP I recommend a phone or video call first. Gets over the 'do they still look like their profile picture', and 'do I find them attractive and interesting ' hurdle. If its no to these it's easier for both parties. You might not be sure but it weeds out any non attraction.
Also, I've been on many coffee dates pre covid and either the lady doesn't look like her photos or is older than photos, or maybe a bit rough round the edges. I instantly know she's not for me but I stay and make polite conversation and say it was nice to meet them. I was brought up well. Have heard of people legging it when they see their date!

I'd be happy that they didn't give me all the chat, try to get their leg over on the first date and then ghost me...

OLD is a numbers game. The next 3 could all be clamouring for your attention and the next thing you know, you'll be on here asking how to decide between them!

@NotAgainNoMore very true! It goes like that sometimes doesn't it?

If I'm honest I think I'm really struggling with connecting with people remotely, I always have. Normally by this point I would have met up with people more but the situation makes it difficult. Also I'm really struggling to find lighthearted things to talk about because I'm so boring at the moment! All I do is sit around at home and go food shopping. Not exactly exciting conversation 😂 Obviously there's other things to talk about but anything deep & meaningful or to do with the past I feel isn't nice to talk about over text.

Maybe I'll suggest a phone call in the meantime 😊

I think it might be quite a useful filtering mechanism, really. Rather than accidentally getting squiffy in a pub and ending up snogging at the end of the night, the current regime sort of cuts out the distracting bits, and gets right down to the nitty gritty: can you actually go for a nice, civilised afternoon out together and love each other's company despite the cold and the fact that it's illegal to sit down?

You'll get through your 'no's a lot faster, which will hasten your journey to your 'yes'.

Imagine it like going one by one through a pack of cards, looking for the ace of hearts. You might have to chuck 10 away before you find him, or 2, but more likely 20 odd. Don't worry about the spades and diamonds. Just get through the necessary pack.

I subscribe to a few dating substitute on Reddit, it's not nice but it's incredibly common for first dates to go no further.

OLD dating gives people the illusion of infinite choice, I think the lure for going back onto the apps to see who shows up, makes people not want to commit.

Getting 3 dates is commendable too, there are so many time wasters out there, I spoke to a guy, arrange to meet, he changed his mind said he needed to wait until all restrictions lift. He was back on the app with a new profile a few days later that said he was ready to date

To date you need the skin of a rhino and treat it like job interview, it can be a grim world

When I did OLD several years ago, I went on loads of first dates that I enjoyed but had no interest in taking them further.

It was a reflection on them in that they weren't right for me but not a reflection on them personally IYSWIM. It doesn't mean I didnt have a perfectly enjoyable time with them, just that they revealed something about their circumstances, personality or lifestyle that I knew wouldn't be compatible with mine. I wouldn't expect to want a relationship with 3 random men I met in a pub so why would a first meet up and a chat be any different. I wasn't bothered if they didnt want to see me again either. It was just nice to spend a pleasant couple.of hours chatting to someone new. Which is how OLD should be viewed in my opinion.

I think with OLD , because you know that everyone is there to meet someone in some capacity for something, that there is a tendency to assume it will just work out. But surely you want to find someone who is right for you and not someone who will just do for now?

I haven’t dated for a long time now but when I did how many men did I meet that I would contemplate sharing my life with? Hardly any! It’s a numbers game.

I worked in a male dominated environment for years (10% women) and also had a hobby that was male dominated. So my fishing pool was huge without even trying. How many men did I ever see amongst those hundreds over two decades who were genuine partner material? Only two and I married one of them.

I think a video call is a good idea, my friend and I have had online coffees for years as she emigrated overseas. You can sit in a nice warm place and chat, just make sure that nothing at all in the background indicates where you live.

Were you interested in any of these guys? Sometimes the chemistry is just not there - nothing you can do about it. You're not looking for many ok guys; you're looking for "the one".

I started to see dating as a numbers game; the more men you date the more likely you are to meet the man of your dreams. I went on about 100 first dates. 4 years later happily married with 3 chn.

A lot of the dates were really crappy. Some guys were amazing and I'd get so frustrated because in could see how great the were- there just wasn't the chemistry. Some just weren't interested in me.

Keep going, the dating game can be tough on the ego but it'll be worth it in the end