Support thread for leaving someone

[GlitterFairy5]

Hi, are there any active support threads for leaving a bad relationship? I’ve left again for I don’t know what number this time will be and I need to stay strong this time. There has been violence and I’m scared that I’m feeling sad and sick about leaving and worried about the future and if I’m doing the right thing. My head’s a mess and it would be nice to hear some other stories. Will I always feel like this and will things ever get better? Is it ever worth going back, do people ever change or is that being delusional?

Following as i am im similar situation i wish i had a crystal ball for what to do for the best.
Hopefully you will get some informative replies...

@Dinosaursobsessedson
It’s so hard isn’t it, like a battle between your head and heart. I genuinely know in my head that I need to be out for good but I’ve been reading up and I think I may have a case of trauma bonding that is making me question everything. And I also feel that as I’ve put up with things for so long, then what right do I have to say things are over now.

What’s your situation, hope you are ok

You're definitely doing the right thing. Ignore people who say grass is not greener on the other wise. They're wrong.

Our intimate relationships are so much a part of our identity that no one considers leaving one unless the alternative is clearly better.

I say "clearly" but at this point you are only aware of some of it. In retrospect you'll become aware of so much more that you just filter out at the moment in order to live with this person, and instead of regretting the split you will probably wonder how on earth you stayed together so long.

I think if your saying there was violence then I definitely think it’s essential that you so leave.
Mine there is no violence, i have mentioned these situations in the past of narcissism, emotional abuse etc but he denies it completely. Im not sure if he even knows that it is that or he’s playing mind games.
I keep thinking if i go it alone il be alone forever as i have 2 dc & 2 dogs lol...
and il never be financially secure as i would if I stayed but I know deep down thats no reason to stay.
Do you have any dc op?

@Dinosaursobsessedson
I know first hand that emotional abuse can be just as bad as physical sometimes. He often says horrible things to me and then takes them back the next day, saying he was just angry and I should know he doesn’t mean them. That’s my thoughts as well, that I’ll be lonely forever and financially it’s going to be hard as well. Yeah we have two sons, I feel so guilty that I haven’t left before now and my sons have heard/seem him shouting and raising his hands to me so have I damaged them forever by not leaving? He only ever gets angry and raises his hands to me if he is under the influence of alcohol but yet he refuses to see this as a problem and apparently it is me who pushes him into being angry and violent and he is entitled to drink alcohol at the weekends to relax. I really don’t know why I haven’t left before now, and I don’t know why I’m even thinking about if I should give it another chance. Just fear of the unknown I guess and things are good sometimes, I just don’t want to have to deal with the bad times as well. I’m so scared that he is going to turn really nasty as well if he knows that I am leaving him properly this time. I’m staying with my sister at the moment but will have to return home soon and I’m scared that he will refuse to leave and expect things to return to normal.

"I’ll be lonely forever"

Aren't you lonely now?

You might not realise you're lonely, yet here you are asking heartfelt advice from complete strangers because you don't know which way to turn about things that are really important to you.

And financial hardship is a piece of cake compared to what you're enduring now.

And yes, it is certainly damaging your sons if this is what they think a loving relationship looks like. Even if you don't value yourself enough to find someone who respects you, try it for the sake of your sons (and their future partners).

@Alcemeg
Yeah I think I am lonely, I don’t even want to talk to my friends about it as I’ve told them about it before but then went back to him so I feel that I can’t now. I’ve told my sister the full truth now so I’m hoping that’s a step in the right direction.

Yes I get that about my sons and I couldn’t feel worse about it. I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I have irreparably damaged them into thinking that this is what is normal for an adult relationship.

We got together quite young and have been together a long time (15 years) so I’m probably just scared but that’s why I came on here, to try and get some support to stay strong this time.

You won't feel better until you leave and stay gone.

You can't finish grieving and healing if you keep going back. The tough emotions that leaving brings up never get a chance to work out of your system if you go back before that happens. Every time you go back you deny yourself the opportunity to come out the other side and feel better. It's not instantaneous (you've got trauma to heal) but it does happen.

Your sons will have no chance of recovering and learning healthy ways to live if you don't leave and protect them. They're the ones you owe it to to leave. Have you done the Freedom Programme? It looks at how children are affected and how they recover once you leave.

Have you taken advice from Women's Aid and the police on exiting this relationship safely? Going back to tell him and ask him to leave is dangerous and not what would be advised.

He won't leave, abuse is about control and agreeing to leave would mean giving up control of you. So not only would you be putting yourself in unnecessary danger but you'd be sabotaging yourself in terms of exiting the relationship.

Please take professional advice.

I don't think you've damaged your sons irreparably, but you will if you stay in this relationship as though there is nothing better out there in the big bad world. I promise you there is!

It's normal to feel scared and sad. But those feelings are temporary.

The most important things we do in life tend to be scary, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't do them.

@Sgjudxbyef
I just need these feelings to go away, I feel so sick, can’t eat, can’t sleep, I’m overthinking and over worrying every small detail of what has happened and what may happen in the future. It’s horrible, that’s why I came on here for support, I don’t want to go back to him but am scared that these feelings will push me to it. Hopefully that’s true, that if I stay gone, I will start to feel better. Me head keeps trying to remember all the good times and push the bad times to the back but I know I need to remember all the bad things to keep strong.

I know I owe it to my sons to leave, I always thought I was staying because of them but I realise now that that was just an excuse for me to stay out of my own fears. No, I’ll have a Google at the freedom programme just now, thanks. I really hope they recover.

No I’m scared to call the police or women’s aid incase they don’t believe me or incase he tells them lies about me. I am pretty sure he would try and make things very difficult for me if I went down any of these roads, as he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong.

I’m not going to return home until I know he has left, I don’t know what I will do regarding having somewhere to live, etc, but I will try and deal with that if he refuses so leave.

I've left a toxic relationship and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I cant sleep or eat, and the guilt of abandoning someone who has hit rock bottom is almost more than I can bare. But I have reached my limit.I have a thread on here. I know what you are going through.