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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to reset myself

8 replies

DinosaurDiana · 03/03/2021 15:24

For a couple of years now I’ve felt like my marriage is over and we are more like housemates.
From my point of view it’s because of resentment over his drinking, little lies, unfulfilled promises and his MH. I no longer fancy him and we don’t have sex, mainly due to years of him taking so long to come, and him not doing anything about it.
Now I’m happy to admit that I’m peri menopausal so some of the problem might be mine.
He is a nice, quiet man and a good dad. I need to get over my resentment and I’d be better off with him.
How can I reset my thinking and make it better ?

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 03/03/2021 16:11

Together that is a lot of negative qualities he has. What is he doing to help the situation? What do you mean by reset? Stop these things bothering you?

DinosaurDiana · 03/03/2021 16:16

He is a nice, kind, generous man who is also a good dad.
I’m better off financially with him, and I know he’d care for me if I needed it.
He is doing nothing to change the situation, however he did move into the spare room recently because of his snoring and thrashing about.
He does nothing to reduce his drinking and he doesn’t do things around the house that he has promised to. Last time we had a ‘chat’ he agreed to stop buying stuff on his credit card, he hasn’t.
Yes, I want to get over what has happen the past, stop it bothering me, and move on.

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 03/03/2021 16:32

Honestly, if he continues to do things that bother you you are going to have to stop feeling for them not to bother you and that's not possible. It sounds like there is very little compromise from him. Relationships are a two-way street, it's not all down to you to accept crappy treatment.

He is drinking too much, refusing to live up to promises and also breaking them. You can try and move past what's happened in the past, but that is also your future as he wont change.

DinosaurDiana · 03/03/2021 16:54

It bothers me that he drinks a bottle of wine a day due to money and his health. But he gets a private pension and if he gets ill or dies, it’s his choice.
Again with the credit card, he brings in money.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2021 17:12

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Re your comment:-
"Yes, I want to get over what has happen the past, stop it bothering me, and move on".

Would you advise your children as adults to do the self same if they experienced the same sort of problems in their own adult relationships?. Think carefully about the implications of that apparant decision and it is ok also to change your mind. Short of a lobotomy, stuffing down your own feelings of resentment is absolutely not going to help nor work here and I think you know that deep down.

You call him a good dad; well he clearly is not because you all would not be treated like this if he was. Women in poor relationships often write that too when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

I would read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own self in this relationship with your H. Alcoholism and codependency go hand in hand hence me mentioning this. Staying because of the kids and/or a lifestyle you wish to maintain are no good reasons for staying and your children will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing so. They pick up on all the vibes here, they certainly see far more than either of you care to realise and could well accuse you also of putting him before them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you people as their parents?. Is this really the role model you want to be showing them and for them to potentially emulate themselves in their adult relationships?.

Do not be afraid to move on with your life nor get bogged down in your sunk costs. You're stayed to date for what are really your own reasons and because its somehow "easier", nothing to do with the kids.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2021 17:17

You did not cause this, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

Its likely also that he is self medicating any and all underlying depression and or MH issues with alcohol. Unless he himself decides to seek help and be honest with himself, there is NOTHING you can do to help him. You can only rescue and or save yourself, being a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship never works.

DinosaurDiana · 03/03/2021 17:32

He is on antidepressants and a bottle of wine a night.
I try to push down the resentment, but it just bubbles up again.
So I just avoid him and we hardly speak.
He thinks it’s all me, he won’t see what he’s done.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2021 18:15

So he really is self medicating with alcohol, problem here is that alcohol is itself a depressant. You are in a relationship with an alcoholic and those only go downhill. It’s never stable or even happy in your house, it’s full of resentment and loathing.

What sort of relationship example are you both showing your children here?. Would you want them to have this sort of relationship as adults too, look at what you are teaching them. This is no legacy to leave them at all, this is bloody dreadful. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

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