And gone on to make dreadful relationship decisions ?
20+ years on and I’m still struggling with this.
First love and I were together for 7 years between the ages of 14-21. We were absolutely devoted to each other, very close to each other’s families etc. I ended the relationship as we were heading in slightly different directions. Him staying local working for a family business, me getting swept up in the fairytale that was working in London. Everyone was shocked, him heartbroken.
A year later I met my first Husband. We were together 10 years and had one child together. Our split was fairly amicable. To be honest I knew I shouldn’t have married him as our relationship wasn’t comparable to my first love. Unfortunately first love and I still mixed in the same circles so communication was available. Shortly before I married he begged me to rekindle our relationship. I knew deep down I still loved him but went ahead with my marriage. First love then met his wife and they had their first child.
During the break up with my Husband first love and I embarked on a year long affair. Yes I am not proud of this but he fed me the usual - they weren’t happy, as soon as his child was in School he’d planned to leave anyway etc.
In the final 6m of broken promises to leave his wife I found out she was actually 6m pregnant with their second child! I was heartbroken and cut things off immediately.
After this I went off the rails. Sleeping around, FWB etc.
Around a year after that I then met my now Husband. He was the most stable man I had met and I clung to this. Also I felt immense guilt for my actions (the affair) I felt I wouldn’t get another opportunity. I knew I had to cut all ties with first love so deleted him from all social media, deleted numbers (even though I know them by heart!) etc.
We’ve now been together 10yrs now and have 2 children (+ my eldest from first marriage). We ended up moving away so this made it easier with regards to first love.
Relationship has ended up being a disaster to be honest. His perfect facade faded after a few years but by that point I felt I was too far in (engaged with first child) and also had made such a fuck up of my life so far with regards to relationships, I couldn’t bear another failure.
We went on to have another child. Amidst his repetitive infidelity he also suffers from mental health issues which can be very difficult to navigate, and I was often used as the punching bag (not literally I must add!). We had (and he still does have) counselling and things have improved greatly but
I’ve got to a point where I feel numb to it. And I won’t leave while the children are so young as selfishly one thing he does do is provide a very good standard of living. Which I don’t want to take away from my children, or myself.
I know deep down I have never stopped loving my first love. I have never experienced the high of emotions I have with him with anyone else. The laughter, the lust, the love. It was all consuming.
When I think of him it physically pains me.
I don’t know how to get over him.
Has anyone else felt similar and managed to move forward ?