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Relationships

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Original poster

Need some advice ! Help !

12 replies

rosie099 · 03/03/2021 10:12

So me and my partner have been on and off for 4 years.. we decided to give it a proper go and stop messing around when I fell pregnant with our first child, at first everything was GREAT! I saw a real improvement in our relationship.. I am now due in 3 months and everything is the opposite, he doesn't help me out AT ALL, despite seeing me getting more pregnant, he sits around all day doing nothing with his time.. whilst I work a full time job, cook, clean, and grow a human, he's constantly making me run around after him while the does absolutely nothing and I'm just not happy anymore.
When I tried to break up with him he has said we should try and stay together for at least another year, in order for him to bond and have a close intimate relationship with his child.
After weighing up the pros and cons of this I agreed as I am scared to go into motherhood alone, I don't know how much support I am going to need so it will be reassuring he is there, as well as the fact I'm scared of that 'Lonely' feeling a lot of mums describe when welcoming a new born.
The cons however - he hasn't stepped up whilst I've been pregnant so who is to say he will when the baby is here. Maybe I will not only be running around after a new born but will have the added stress of running around after him too. Will he annoy me more being there then if I was alone ?
I am so conflicted. Are there any single mums out there that can give me some insight into welcoming a new born without the father present?
Or does anyone think that one more year living with my not so much partner is more than worth it for them to bond.. and in the grand scheme of things a year isn't that long to put up with not being completely happy..

Has anyone been in a similar situation that can shed light on how things panned out for them?

Any advice would be highly appreciated:)

OP posts:

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 03/03/2021 10:27

"we should try and stay together for at least another year, in order for him to bond and have a close intimate relationship with his child"

What an absolute cock womble. He is sitting around your home expecting to be waited on hand and foot by a heavily pregnant woman. And he thinks your concern should be him? Wow that is some next level male entitlement. I would want as much distance as possible between my child and a man who behaves like that., what an awful role model. And if cant manage to help out now while everything is still relatively easy, he will be even worse once there is a baby on the scene.

Having someone like that around will make everything harder once the baby actually arrives. You want to still be cleaning and cooking for him when you have a baby to care for? You have a lot more freedom now than you will once baby is here, so make the most of it. Get away from him while you still can. The resentment you feel now will nothing compared to what you'll be feeling once the baby has arrived.

Do you have any family, your mum ideally, who could be around the first few weeks? That would be good if possible, but I promise you no man is 100 times better than a lazy entitled selfish one.

Windmillwhirl · 03/03/2021 10:31

What are you afraid of? You are already doing everything on your own.

He is totally taking the piss and stretching out you looking after him for as long as he can.

He sits and watches his pregnant partner run around after him. That's as low as it gets.

MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 10:36

Sounds like you're already doing it alone to be honest and it would be easier if he wasn't around to make more work for you.

As for staying together for a year so he can bond, it sounds like he's basically saying its over but he wants it on his terms. You owe him nothing. He can bond with his child while you are seperated.

MuddleMoo · 03/03/2021 10:37

It cam be lonely with a newborn even if you have a partner. Do you have anyone who can help you? Family or friends nearby?

Servalan · 03/03/2021 10:37

Frankly I don't think the onus should be on you to stay to help him bond.

The onus has to be on him to grow up and step up

Mac89 · 03/03/2021 10:43

Rosie099 I'm sorry you're in a rubbish situation. I've been there when my ds was born. I finally had enough and we broke up when ds was 5months old but I "wasn't allowed to ruin his first christmas with his son" so he didn't move out until ds was 8 months old. The moment he left was the BIGGEST relief. Like a huge weight had been lifted.
When he was living there I was doing everything for ds anyway, and everything round the house, and was resentful that he did nothing to help. So when he left, so did the stress and resentment of expecting help and support from someone that wasn't willing to give any.
You dont mind doing things when theres no expectation of anyone else doing it anyway!
I dont think I've worded it very well, but it was the best thing that could happen.
If this man wants to bond and have a relationship with your DC he will make that happen regardless of where he lives. He will put in the effort to see DC as often as possible etc you dont owe him an environment to be able to do that with NO effort on his part whatsoever!

Sgjudxbyef · 03/03/2021 10:57

he hasn't stepped up whilst I've been pregnant so who is to say he will when the baby is here. Maybe I will not only be running around after a new born but will have the added stress of running around after him too.

There's no maybe about it. He's not pulling his weight now, he's not going to have a personality transplant when the baby is born.

Why are you running around after him? Stop. Now.

I hope the baby is getting your surname.

Opentooffers · 03/03/2021 11:16

And you run around after him now because...? Stop doing stuff for him, then he will have to start doing, no more cooking, washing, or anything else you do for him. You need to nip this in the bud asap as you are allowing him to take full advantage of you, he can't do that unless you let him. Has he moved in with you? Do you pay the bills while he does little. If he isn't paying his way, he needs to move out.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/03/2021 11:17

If he is not pulling his weight now he is unlikely to do so when he becomes a parent.

I would also give the child your surname rather than his. Better to be on your own with your child rather than to be so badly accompanied as you are now.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2021 11:21

After weighing up the pros and cons of this I agreed as I am scared to go into motherhood alone

Your reality is far worse than being alone. Get rid of this useless manchild.

Wanderlusto · 03/03/2021 12:46

Best to get rid before the baby is born because afterwards you will be too tired.

Also, when you try to break up then, he sounds like the sort of manipulative codwallop that would accuse you of trying to 'break up a family'.

He is a user. And a loser. This isnt the 1950s, you dont have to stay together for the kids. Let alone with one that isnt even born yet.

Get him gone. Or he'll suck you're energy away. Energy that you'll need for looking after your baby.

You deserve better.
And baby deserves a mother who is happy.

itwasaluckybuyonxxxebay · 03/03/2021 13:02

Well bonding with the baby will require him to, you know, do stuff.

Which appears not to be in his nature.

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