This guilt is unreal. Help!

[Fuckmyliferightnow]

I left my relationship yesterday.

I have been desperately unhappy for 18 months.
But on and off wanting to leave since 2015.

For years I put up with moodiness, negativity and criticism. I have generally been unsupported in raising the kids and anything I wanted to do.

18 months ago things deteriorated and we have argued a lot, over suspect behaviour on his part, which has been minimised and brushed under the carpet. But I didn't forget and haven't trusted him since.

We separated last summer but still lived together and things have been hell.
I had resorted to disengaging and trying to stay out of the way, which he accused me of being a bully. I was never allowed to have a problem with any of his poor behaviours.

I have tried to talk about leaving, him leaving but he refused, he said I can fuck off and leave his son. He basically forced me to stay under the same roof as him and I've felt terrified of leaving because of his reaction.

On Wednesday I asked if he would consider moving out and I was met with rage and death threats if I took his son.
It was a shock and I logged the incident with the police.

I moved yesterday and am staying with a friend with a view to stay with family soon that live 80 miles away.

I have cancer and am due surgery soon, which complicates it all.

We joint own the house bit I am taking my name iff the mortgage hopefully, he will refuse to buy me out or to sell. He refuses everything!

He emailed and wants to see his son, is saying I'm not the victim, I am being manipulative and he has been nothing but reasonable, I also overreacted to the threats.

If I let him take my son I think he won't give him back as he has rights.
But my son misses his dad too.

His dad has form for being verbally very harsh with Ds, which ds has got upset about many times.
I thought this was the break away we both needed, but my anxiety is through the roof and my guilt towards my son is unreal, it is physically painful.
I haven't slept and I keep having panic attcks.

I keep thinking, maybe I did overreact, maybe I have been a snowflake and should have tolerate the relationship better.
So many have happened that have gradually made me hate him, I tried but everything got twisted back round as my fault.

I'm rambling.
I'm a mess!!

I'm trying to remember all the shit things he said and did, but it's like I forget and doubt myself.

I'm so confused and I don't know how to go forward with contact.

Okay, first off, take a deep breath.

Clearly leaving this man was the right decision for you, and for your son. The question of when and how your son should see his dad is a separate matter that does not have to be resolved today. Soon, but not today. You need your sleep to face whatever comes tomorrow and in the days to come.

It's natural to feel anxious and worried. It's a huge change ! But remember, if your partner is toxic towards you that is not a good environment to raise your son in. You shouldn't feel guilty as you are doing the best thing you can. It may not be perfect, but it beats staying with that guy !

Regarding contact, if you think your spouse may not let your son come back, don't allow him to go for now (he can video call for now) and seek legal advice asap. Based on what you've said it sounds like an amiable agreement may not be a good option for you, let the court decide what contact with the dad should look like. You may not be able to prevent contact (and preventing it may not necessarily be the desirable outcome anyway) but of there is a legal agreement in place it'll give you a much better starting place should your ex break it.

Congratulations on leaving ! And good luck with your cancer treatment.

It sounds as if you have been very strong, and you must be absolutely emotionally wrung out right now. How much support can you gather around yourself? Good friends and family to talk to? Counselling? Please try to fend off the guilty thoughts and he be kind to yourself. Your son may miss his father, but sounds as if you have done the right thing fir both of you in a situation where there are no easy options.

Remember, you've been wanting to leave for 5 years, there's a good reason why. That man gave you death threats ! You're upset, doubting yourself because this decision is a jump into the unknown, but... Take a minute to enjoy the peace and quiet. No abuse. No threats. You're doing the right thing. Don't let him guilt trip you. If you feel wobbly talk to someone you trust before making any decisions !

It was a quick exit with a note. It was the only way I could have gone, it's just the timing was bad with treatments.
I tried to ask him calmly and I didn't ask for that reaction and threats, it's the reaction I've always feared.

Ex is devastated, what if he kills himself? This has been threatened before, making me stay last time I tried to end it.

I have people to talk to but it's still a lonely place to be.

This is scarier than having cancer.

He scares me. He was never physical but his sharp tongue always scared me, how can words and a tone scare me?

So much so, if I ever heard him being verbal with my dc, I never felt brave enough to step in and defend him in case I got the verbal too.

He was always good at being verbally nasty then flicking back to nice mode within minutes.
It's been a bit of a head fuck.

My son doesn't remember him being mean, the last time was early December, son just idolises him.
Now I've broken a bond because I put myself first. The guilt!!

I can't think straight.

It sounds like he’s been very helpful in confirming the death threats in writing. Keep the emails, only respond if you have something you need to say regarding your DS or the formalities of the separation. Don’t engage in threats or conversation

Today you should try and find a solicitor. You need to ask about your concerns that he won’t return DS and you need to get clear what reasonable arrangements for contact should be. The email could help with proof that your fears that he won’t return are not unfounded.

Don’t feel guilty you’ve done the right thing. Now try and keep emotion out of it and deal with it as a business transaction.

Good luck you are strong you can do this.

You've absolutely done the right thing. You're a brave, strong woman.
He won't kill himself. That threat is very commonly used by abusive partners.
Take a deep breath and seek legal advice as soon as you can.
Don't see him, or allow him to see your child until you've had proper counsel from a family lawyer.
Also don't do anything like try to take your name off the mortgage.
I know you feel awful and you're terrified but you honestly will get through this and have a much better life.
So many of us have been through this. You can do it.
As much as you can, keep your focus on your treatment and your son. And take all the support you possibly can

Yes as @Eekay said don’t do anything hasty with the mortgage. You currently co own the property and are entitled to a share of any equity. Ask your solicitor Re splitting assets.

You are not the victim. Stay strong. Just remember that if you sign the house over to him and he remarries...your son may lose out!

There is equity in the house and I won't be able to claim UC as a lone parent.
I want to eventually get my own place.
I'm getting advice with this.

I think the house is now a liability.

You have done the tight thing. Your life with this man was awful and you needed to get out. Take advice over the house, finances and contact for your child. Don't listen to his threats. In the very unlikely event he did take his own life (and I do know someone who did this), it would not be your responsibility. You have a right to leave, whether he likes it or not. You can't let threats dictate your decisions.

Right thing!

Why dies it feel so bad and wrong?

My son went from okay to, leave home, leave most toys and not knowing when he can see Daddy again. He's so sad that mum and dad won't live together in his house again and that they don't love each other anymore.

I want him to see his dad, despite all the other stuff they are close.

Your son idolises a person that is false. You are the adult and made the correct call.

You really need to focus on the above and make that trump everything.

Ex doesn't want me back, I've ruined his life, that's fine I don't want him back but he just wants his son, everyday to himself.
He made it clear in his threats that damage will be done if I ever left with his son.

He had it in his head that we could all live under the same roof, regardless of me being unhappy, he just wants his son.

He told me to fuck and get better elsewhere and leave his son in an argument.

But when he's home he's not that bothered, he goes out to mates every night without fail and he doesn't play much with Ds, just sits on his laptop.

That's another thing, going to see mates at night and coming home to a CEV person who's shielding, he wouldn't stop coming near me despite me distancing from him in the house.
I didn't feel safe.

Just talk to me I'm so scared of what's around the corner.
Have I made my situation worse?
I'm not financially secure.

You are not a snowflake.
You're a woman with a child leaving a toxic relationship. So glad you left!

Please take all the advice that more experienced posters will give you on here and make this your safe place to come to for rants.

Rest assured he will not kill himself because you left or don't wish to continue being with him. If he does do it, it is not on you.

Your child will miss his dad, of course, but that is not a priority right now.
Making sure he is safe with you and you getting the treatment you need, is more a priority.

Get a SHL and let them advise you.
Please take care !

The house is not a liability, it will hopefully give you the deposit you need for your own place. Are you able to work at the moment, cancer sucks sending you all the hugs for your op. Although where it effects uc I can see it feeling that way.

Your head is understandably all over the place at the moment try and get together a list that you can work through that will help settle it.

Solicitor is top of the list. This can tick off starting to arrange contact for your ds, cms application, what to do consider with finances. It will really help get your head together.

Ignore all of his blaming you, this is standard script, you already have proof that he was controlling you with death threats. This is not your fault. Your job now is to get as much as you can organised calmly so he has no comeback. He may try and be the Disney dad for a bit, but eventually your ds will see through it.

You've done the right thing OP. Do you have somewhere to stay for now that is safe ?

You're doubting yourself because he's been messing with your head for years but you've done the right thing by leaving and protecting your son.

@WildfirePonie I'm staying with friends and hope to go and stay with family from next week, who are 80 miles away.
I feel I need them right now and my best friend lives there too.
I'll have to travel back here for treatment and appointments and possibly visitation.

I have no one here to support me, even when things were at their best I felt alone.
He never stopped me seeing family but it's far to travel frequently.

All of this has affected me too over the years.
It's like he could talk to me however he wanted to because there was no one nearby to back me up or help.

You have 100% done the right thing. I left my ex 10 years ago for similar reasons. He threatened suicide, said he'd never let me take the kids etc.
The suicidal threats are exactly that, threats. He's trying to emotionally blackmail you into staying.
Make sure you log any threats with the police, maybe look into a non molestation order. I had to get a restraining order against my ex as he was abusive mainly verbally but occasionally physically too.
To this day he thinks he's the victim and tells anyone who'll listen I ruined his life/caused him to have a breakdown etc but most people know the truth. My kids were young when I left but they hardly see him these days as he's shown his true colours to them.
Keep strong and congratulate yourself for being so strong and brave

He won't kill himself, he is too selfish, so strike that worry off your list.

Look, I'm going to be brutal here. Children love their parents, even the really shit ones. Your son loving his Dad is just an instinctive response. It does not make his Dad 'good-enough' for him. There is nothing you have told us about your ex that tells me he should be involved in his son's life.

He is scary, abusive and is just using your son to keep control over you.

I would look into transferring your treatment to the hospital 80miles away, move with your son and don't tell the ex where you are.

He threatened to kill you. Men like him have acted in their threats often enough for me to urge you to leave and don't look back.

Tell ds that Daddy isn't safe because he gets too angry. See if you can get him some counselling when you are settled.

Leave, please op, keep yourself and your son safe. You can do this and have been really brave. Don't let him take your son or your life.

He’s a massive bully, frightening you to keep you quiet and in your place
His shouting off is his way of domineering you
He doesn’t want his life interrupted as he likes it all his selfish way

Now you are out of it, talk to family and friends, get advice from a good Solicitor and take your time deciding on your next step
He has got into your head, in a while you will be able to think a bit more clearly and make decisions
Your equity in the house is your future, you must not act hastily and make a mistake in taking your name off the mortgage
You will need all the financial help you can get in the coming months and you will be relieved months down the road, that at least you have accrued something

He can shout, rant, threaten and make as much noise as he likes, you do not have to listen, be strong. Lean on your family and best friend for support. You must never feel guilty too, you’ve done the absolute best for your little boy by leaving, this has been the opportunity you have been waiting for

OP are you getting any legal advice regarding non-molestation or prohibited steps orders to prevent him taking/keeping your son, or about how his abuse of you/DS might affect his chances of access to DS? Women's Aid or Rights of Women would be good places to start if not.

As a PP pointed out, the fact that DS loves his dad doesn't mean it's in his best interests to have a relationship with him. Nothing you've said about your H sounds healthy for DS and your guilt over him not seeing his dad is completely misplaced, the only guilt here belongs to H for treating you both so badly he drove you away. It will take time to reprogram your thinking though, you have been made to feel responsible for his feelings, and the effects of his behaviour on DS, for so long it will take a while for you to realise you were actually never responsible for any of it.

You've been so brave to leave, surround yourself now with supportive people and solid advice and things will slowly get easier. And every time you catch yourself feeling guilty for 'taking DS away from him' remind yourself why you left and that everything that drove you there was his doing