History of sexual abuse affecting my marriage and my mental health - struggling to say no to things?

[EmptyOrchestra]

I really don’t even know where to start with this. Trigger warning for sexual abuse / child abuse.

I thought I had come to terms with everything but every so often it boils over and I’m a wreck. I’ve had counselling in the past, multiple bouts. I don’t think I’m ever going to feel better about it than I do. I’m so sorry if this is long.

I have very complex issues around sex which are hard to explain. The main issue is complete loss of libido which happened when I was on a medication for endometriosis years ago - it’s a known side effect but when I came off it, it just didn’t come back. Occasionally it will return, like a switch, on or off. When my sex drive is back, I can have sex and enjoy it, when it’s gone I can’t handle anything physical at all.

I believe this is because of my history of sexual abuse which started in childhood with a family member, and then continued in my 20s with several partners who were sexually abusive. To be honest it was pretty normal to me, partners who weren’t abusive were (I believed) the unusual ones.

So when I have no sex drive, I get extremely panicky about the thought of any physical intimacy. When I have it back, I don’t feel that way. Or rather I didn’t.

The other complicating factor is pain. I have pretty awful pelvic pain most of the time, worse at certain times. Since I started having sex, I have often found it painful, and again I think I normalised this and just accepted it that penetrative sex often hurts.

DH and I have been married for a decade - much of that time I’ve had no sex drive. DH has a high sex drive but does not pressure me and accepts that there are long spells where I just can’t. He would never want me to do something I wasn’t enjoying or that caused me pain. I know this is true. And yet things have fallen apart quite spectacularly this week.

Last month I got my sex drive back for a couple of days and when I did I had an increase in pain even before we had sex. A few days ago it came back again and we tried to have sex but it hurt - I am just realising that I essentially have vaginismus, I’ve never been able to tolerate tampons, smear tests etc. DH is quite large, I am not and this can be an issue. A previous gynaecologist said that internally my muscles are so solid they feel like bone - but they said it was pelvic floor dysfunction.

The next day I did want to do it, but I felt panicked about trying and figured it was because of the pain of the previous day. DH didn’t want to try but I asked him to anyway. It ended with me bursting into tears because it wasn’t working. Then again last night much the same - as soon as he tried I panicked, and he of course stopped.

Then he asked me, if it was hurting and I was worried about it, why didn’t I just say I didn’t want to? He started talking about it and I realised that for my entire life I have just put up with things that are painful and that I want to stop without saying so. And I really don’t know why I do this.

It’s really devastated me to be honest. I have a husband who would never want me to put myself through pain for him and he’s so upset that there have been times where I have wanted him to stop and I’ve said nothing. For some reason I don’t feel I can or should stop things. I’ve realised that my issues with penetrative sex are worse than I thought - I fear it, I feel anxious about it, and my fear of it obviously plays a big part in me not wanting to do anything, because I know that’s where it’s leading and I’m subconsciously panicking about it. Somehow I’ve never linked all this together in my head - the horrendous smear tests, not being able to use tampons (the thought of them makes me feel sick, and they hurt on the few occasions I have tried), and the subconscious fear of that part of sex. I feel like I’ve just woken up to what’s happening and what I’ve been doing for so long.

When I have no sex drive I have no issue telling DH that it’s off the cards. But when it’s back I guess I feel like I don’t have a valid reason not to do things? That sounds so ridiculous when I write it down. I bang on all the time about consent, not doing things you’re not comfortable with and yet for my whole adult life I’ve internalised that I should just tolerate pain and fear of this and I don’t even know why I feel that way.

DH is so upset that I haven’t felt able to say no, and even that I’ve pretended to enjoy things I haven’t because he would never have carried on with things if he’d known I was in pain or was feeling panicked about it. We’ve had a long talk today and he’s said that we just need to take that activity off the table for now so I know we aren’t going to do it and I can relax. Obviously that I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do, and that I just need to be able to tell him if I want something to stop.

Why do I find this so difficult? I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I genuinely don’t know why I’m even writing this. I feel like such a broken mess. I have no idea how my DH is still here to be honest, most would have left a long time ago. I feel like I’ve let myself down and also that I’ve let him down because I feel like I’ve put him in a horrible position. The stupid thing is that when I’m in the right mindset and feel relaxed we have a wonderful sex life and any feeling I have that I can’t be honest about things comes from me, not from him.

Does any of this make sense to anyone else? Has anyone been through anything like this? Did anything help you?

The thought of going to a sex therapist terrifies me. I can’t talk about all this openly with a random person. I have struggled to even talk about it with my husband today - we communicate really well usually but honestly I didn’t really understand what was wrong myself so I couldn’t explain it to him.

I am so tired of all this - the impact of the past, the endometriosis and medications, the pain, etc. I just went to feel normal and have a normal relationship with my husband. I am so angry that stuff that happened nearly 30 years ago is still having such an impact on me even after trying for so long to deal with it.

I just don’t believe this can ever get better and that’s heartbreaking.

Sorry for the giant essay. I don’t know if there’s anything anyone can say but I guess it helps to say it anonymously!

I’m sorry to hear about your struggle. It sounds really hard. But you articulate it well and your DH sounds wonderful.

I agree with taking it off the table. Are there other intimate acts that you are comfortable with? Massage or taking a bath together? On the agreement that no PIV will happen.

Have you considered couples counselling?

Thank you for replying.

We’ve never had couples counselling - to be honest I’m not sure how useful it would be. We communicate well (I think that’s why we’ve survived through a lot of difficult things), I think the problem is me and not really processing things or understanding why I find things so difficult. Maybe I do need more counselling myself but the thought of it fills me with dread - I don’t think dredging it all up really helps but then I guess there’s not a whole lot else to try.

I met a sex therapist once and she said many of her clients had vaginismus and she worked on it a lot. So please don't feel embarrassed to do this, they do it every day and must have so much insight from that they could share with you. And I could make you both feel better knowing it is something you are working on together. Also does he like to do oral sex on you, that can help a lot with relaxing and getting to the point where penetration wont hurt.

Can you reframe 'dredging it up' as 'getting it out', because I honestly think therapy for yourself is the key to everything. It's hard to explain if it's not something you've experienced but there's something about speaking your truth, your experiences and feelings, in a neutral space with someone you have no obligation to. It feels like you literally leave at least some of the stuff you talk about in that room when you leave, you feel lighter somehow, less weighed down by it. It's also brilliant for working out all the 'why's', why do I feel like this, why do I react like that etc, which sounds like exactly what you need.

I know it's terrifying and I'm not saying it's easy, but it's a positive, potentially productive thing you could do to help yourself and it's self defeating to dismiss it without at least giving it a go. Sorry if that's blunt but I wish someone had said it to me a long time ago, I have wasted years with my (also lovely, like yours) DH when we could have been so much happier. You have huge amounts of trauma in your past and you're still carrying every bit of it, time to offload some onto someone qualified to help you cope with it

When I’ve had counselling in the past (last time was when I was pregnant and I had tokophobia because of my past, but I started having counselling in my teens as I was really unwell - self harm, eating disorder etc etc) I can’t say it really helped. I mean I thought it had, and I would have said I had dealt with it all and was doing well. But it’s like I haven’t noticed all of these things I’ve been doing the whole time and I guess I’ve been in denial about how much it still affects me.

I guess I have no choice really, I have to do something. And there’s not really much else I can do to get better.

I think therapy and counselling are two different things tbh, you need a therapist with experience in childhood trauma.

OP I really relate and I'm also on a similar journey. I've written and rewritten responses to your post but deleted them because it felt so outing. You've been so brave sharing this with us.

I also had an eating disorder. A complete disconnect between body and brain. I'd like to share some of my experience and the progress I've made but it feels still quite raw. I'm not sure how PM's work but if you wanted to reach out I'd be receptive. What I will say is that you need a trauma informed therapist, the NHS tend to offer therapies that work on how you think but trauma is held much deeper and is stored in the body. It needs a different approach.

@Colourmeclear

OP I really relate and I'm also on a similar journey. I've written and rewritten responses to your post but deleted them because it felt so outing. You've been so brave sharing this with us.

I also had an eating disorder. A complete disconnect between body and brain. I'd like to share some of my experience and the progress I've made but it feels still quite raw. I'm not sure how PM's work but if you wanted to reach out I'd be receptive. What I will say is that you need a trauma informed therapist, the NHS tend to offer therapies that work on how you think but trauma is held much deeper and is stored in the body. It needs a different approach.

So sorry you’re struggling with this too. I’m so angry that so many women are dealing with this and the effects are so insidious. I will look into finding the right sort of therapy, I’m sure it can’t make things worse. I guess I just don’t believe it’s possible to feel better about it but that is really defeatist.

You may find emdr helpful. It's a trauma therapy. You may also find rape crisis helpful for directing you to suitable therapists.

You don't need counselling. You need therapy.

A first step I think would be to recognise that your body is trying to protect you from trauma. It's developed various coping strategies- but they no longer work.

You are doing incredibly well- you've built a relationship with a man who respects and loves you, and with whom you are able to communicate. It's ok for there to be left over 'damage', if you like, from previous abuse. It's ok to be ready to work on that, now you've noticed it.

I really believe that it can get better. I've been in therapy for a while now. I've explored my boundaries when it comes to sexual contact. I didn't realise I was doing/receiving contact that I was very much not ok with. Being so used to being in physical and/or mental pain and having to just get through it in previous relationships etc, I lost that connection with what felt safe/comfortable for me and I alternated between hypersexuality and withdrawal. I was pushing myself too far without realising and then retreating to safety. Because my self worth was very much tied up in being available sexually, it caused me a lot of mental anguish, despair and I often wondered if I wasn't entirely useless as a woman (I don't believe that now thankfully!)

I've worked hard and really think that I can move forward. It's still incredibly difficult but I'm getting there. My partner is incredibly supportive, thankfully.

I recommend EMDR therapy. It has the best evidence base for trauma.

You could also ask the NHS about treatment/therapy for your vaginismus. It will be focused on you personally, therapy and exercises you can do yourself, rather than anything involving another person. That way you won't feel pressured or anything.

Thank you so much for sharing @Colourmeclear - this sounds so much like me. I’m either switched off or switched on, and if I’m switched on then I will just go along which is not right and I know it isn’t. It’s harder to understand when I’m actually with a partner who would never want me to not be into it. I’m so glad you have a supportive partner too - I dread to think where I would be if I were with someone who didn’t care.

Looking into EMDR and will look at possibilities for vaginismus too. I never thought I had it because when I am relaxed I can have sex and enjoy it, but if there’s any worry or anxiety it’s like everything shuts down.