Ex started a smear campaign against me, what to do about mutual friends?

[chickenhouse]

We have a lot of mutual friends and places we used to hang out with them - online (whatsapp groups ec) and offline. Now they all treat me like I have a disease! I have a feeling he has started a rumour about me or used some of my texts I sent to him out of context and will attempt to paint me as a crazy bish if I retaliate. I have so much dirt on him but he will paint me as crazy so nobody will believe it.

I have tried to ask a few people I considered "friends" what has been said but they completely stone wall me or give me half truths. It is giving me a lot of heartache to realize these were not real friends at all. I'm also consumed by ideas of revenge and hatred towards him which I know is not healthy. At this point, is there any coming back from this? Or is the best, sanest thing to do to just cut contact with the lot of them, block, delete and avoid all contact? And start again?

@chickenhouse
Hmmm op if you’re thinking g about using dirt against him, maybe you are the crazy ex.

@Youllbeoldertoo Haha! Honestly don't have the time or energy to do it. He was a nutter, he'd collect and record conversations (about everyone around him) and organise it so that he could use it against people in the future

Yup the best thing is to delete them out of your life. It is sad I know, you feel a double rejection / betrayal but they’ve shown whose side they are on. You don’t need people who will stonewall you in your life. If they’ve chosen their side then you probably hAve to just let it go now.

When my ex cheated on me and we split up I deleted everyone of his family and our mutual friends from social media.

The ones I cared about and considered my own friends I messaged and explained what I was doing and that I cared for them but it was part of my “moving on” - there were only a couple of those people though.

It’s not healthy to hold onto resentment or bitterness, it does nothing but make you feel worse. Your ex won’t be impacted by you sitting there stewing in your vengeful thoughts - you’re only wasting your own time and energy.

The best revenge is to live well OP - hold your head up, live your life, be happy and content with yourself and your life. Keep your dignity, you will feel so much better in the long run.

LOL record people's conversations what on earth for.,?? He has been watching to many spy films,!! 😂 I'd guess the people he recorded would be pissed off if they ever found out,!!

Block them all,and move on x

My ex spun so many lies about me.. Abused in the school yard was a regular occurrence...
I started wearing headphones to collect dc..
He spent years doing it... Dc got sick and went nc..
With him!!
I deleted and blocked everyone on my phone.

Yes move on. Anyone that's a friend will continue to be. People may come to realise he is a dick on their own accord.

If you start sending screenshots and recordings that just makes it look like he was right - and people don't generally want to be dragged into all that drama.

I’ve found that, quite often, people will automatically believe the first story they’re told. So he’s gone and told them something, potentially untrue, about you and they’ve believed it without question. Now when you try and defend yourself it looks, to them, to be suspicious.

It’s completely unfair but I think you’re right that you need to draw a line under this and move on without them.

I would post on my fb (or wherever) something like:

'Its funny isn't it, how when you have the audacity walk away from certain sorts of men you suddenly become the 'crazy/bad' person. I've heard some hilarious bullshit this this week. So glad for good friends who know the score. Onwards and upwards'.

It shames him and anyone who takes his side. You can feel you've said something and called out him and the fakes but without having to get into knitty gritys.

But dont bother reforming any friendships with the ppl who took his side easily. They will only be flying monkeys. I'd make sure he is blocked and slowly phase the fake friends out. So that they realise they lost the friendship.

Please don't post on your Facebook. It's really stupid thing to do. You have nothing to prove and you look attention seeking.

The best thing you can do is give it time. Hold onto true friends and wait for it to pass.
I've been there and in the long run, silence is your best option for now.

A good opportunity to see who are your real friends, then.
Stick to those and let anyone else go.

Jesus, do not do what @Wanderlusto said

Passive aggressive attention seeking is not the way to go.

This happened to me when I left my exh. He spread awful lies about me. Said I'd cheated, was meeting strangers for sex, was a lesbian etc. All so that if I ever dared to tell anyone why I'd really left him he could then say I was only saying it because I was angry at everyone finding out the so called truth about me. I didn't engage in that silliness. Real friends and family came to me and didn't believe lies, the rest could just fuck off and were never real friends anyway.

Real friends and family came to me and didn't believe lies, the rest could just fuck off and were never real friends anyway.

This ^

I agree with the advice here. Cut your losses and steer well clear. If you keep wondering/ asking what he's said you will torture yourself.

If he's as sly and nasty and he sounds (recording conversations to use against people later?!?) he will probably trip himself up one day and fall out with some of those people. Dont be surprised if one or more of them approaches you some way down the line when they are on the receiving end of the same treatment.

I fell out with my sister some years ago for a ridiculous reason. Basically she was jealous that i had a daughter and she didn't. I dread to think what reason she gave people but I'm sure it wasn't the truth and made me look awful. I bumped into her best friend and husband a couple of years later, said a friendly hello. They just looked me up and down in disgust and hurried away. It was horrible but I know I'm not the problem!

It hit even harder when I realised that a lot of ‘our’ friends were really his.

I wasnt getting any abuse from them, but a lot of ‘oh, poor xxx, he really loves you, why won’t you give him a second chance’. He left me and was really not nice to me, but they don’t know that because I used to cover up for him.

They would report back things I’d said and done to him. I once posted something about DCs on FB and he phoned me 10 minutes later to shout at me because I hadnt told him first.
I withdrew from a lot of them because it just wasn’t worth it the agro.

Don't engage with any of them. Ultimately you can't control what other people say but you can control how you react. Hold your head up and say nothing. I've often found that eventually people like your ex will get found out or maybe his "friends" already know and just placate him.
As a side note, you mentioned that you knew he was keeping conversations others had had as evidence. Doesn't that scream volumes to you now about who he was? He's pre-empting drama.
In these situations it's best to remember this quote - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
Good luck

Delete, block, move on.
Sounds like you, the ex and your friends all need to grow up!