Friend pregnant and I feel sad about myself

[Bluesongblue]

Hello, Im just coming in here to talk really. A good friend of mine told me today that she’s pregnant. It’s not a surprise really, I guessed she and her DH would be trying and Im happy for her. She’s a good friend and a lovely person.

It’s just made me feel very sad within myself. I think because I had a long term relationship break up a few years ago, then a short disastrous one which also took me a while to get over and I generally feel quite lonely. I had, prior to this, given up any thought of a relationship and a family happening for me. I don’t desperately crave a relationship but I think deep down maybe I do because I do feel lonely. It’s just made me realise that all my friends are moving on, entering different life stages and I’m still trundling along trying to make the best of things. But I generally feel exhausted and fed up. I can’t even blame it on the pandemic and lockdown as I honestly don’t think it’s made a difference to my day to day life. I’ve felt like this for several years.

I feel like the emotional exhaustion of everyday life is too much for me. I keep going and I’m not suicidal but if I could choose to not wake up tomorrow I absolutely would. I’m just tired of feeling so melancholy about everything and so cynical. I used to be full of joy and optimism but I just know that that young girl and woman has forever gone. I’m 36 and I just feel tired.

Im not sure what I’m hoping for but I just wanted to write it down and tell someone.

I'm sorry, this seems really difficult for you. I'm in a long term relationship, but my partner and I are going through infertility. Every pregnancy announcement hurts so much.

Being lonely is horrible, especially now.

I could have written this almost word for word. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. There isn't really much more I can say except you are not alone and there is still time for things to get better

I’m sorry op. I hope you find happiness.

I know how hard this is.

Remember, comparison is the thief of joy. You have your own path. But it’s still undeniably tough.

@Bluesongblue I could have written this being in a very similar situation. I don’t have any really wise words but you aren’t alone in feeling like that and I’m here to talk

@Poppins88 sending flowers to you too, it really isn’t easy. From someone in a very similar boat

It’s completely understandable how you’re feeling, I’m sorry things feel so difficult. Have a hand hold from a stranger

life can be like this but change so suddenly and you don't know what's around the corner.

Thank you. I wasn't expecting such compassion if I'm honest. I feel like a lot of this is self-pity and a bit indulgent. Does anyone generally feel very apathetic about life?

I feel sad in a way about how I lived my younger life. I was so serious about things and I wish I had done more going out and having fun. I'd like to do that now, after lockdown, but I can see that in a way I've missed my chance. Most of my friends are settled and wanting to do different things now. I was like that but at 22. And I feel fed up that for the next few years I'll have to deal with people pulling out because of babies and young children. I know that's unreasonable and not very nice.

I am just so tired of it all.

Sorry OP, that you're feeling down. If it's any consolation this last year has left everyone feeling a bit meh so you're not alone.

It does seem like a lot of your sadness stems from the belief that you're too old, and life has passed you by. 36 is NOT old - you have got more time to live life than you've been alive. You can still do whatever you dream about - date around, make a big lifestyle change, move, change jobs - basically anything that will help you feel less lonely, and less stuck in a rut.

Don't have regrets about your past. There isn't a set formula for happiness. You could have had the perfect life and hit 40 and lost your partner, or gotten really sick, or become homeless, or something tragic. Similarly, you can have had a shit life the last decade and suddenly meet someone amazing or create some incredible memories. The trick is to not give up hope. Just because you've had some bad experiences doesn't make you a broken, half human - it makes you interesting, and resilient, with a few battle scars. That's just one part of your story, don't let it define you.

After lockdown you can still go out and do crazy shit, and have fun. There's PLENTY of men and women who get a second wind in their mid 30s and beyond. Since you're feeling so down, you may as well think, 'Fuck it', and do all the ridiculous stuff younger you wouldn't have. Take all the risks, and chances you didn't before.

Now is a rough time, so be kind to yourself. But this too shall pass.

Lease don’t feel that the life you have now is set in stone.

Wait until June and redesign your life. Loneliness can be tiring - join some groups, travel, new hobbies, new friends and opportunities. Some of the best things in life didn’t happen for me until late 30’s. X

Thank you. If you were re-designing your life to feel less lonely after June, what would you do? I feel like I’m all out of ideas. Most of my hobbies are solitary or female centric. I feel completely deflated and not excited and just pessimistic. I know I shouldn’t and I’m sorry for being so eeyore.

Just try get out there might find the one, hope you do as you deserve that sending flowers to you

Another one in a similar situation to you. I know how hard it is.

Hmmm, could you look on Meetup and see what groups are meeting around your area? And pick one that has a more mixed sex audience. I would also recommend solo travel, like a trekking or cycling holiday (doesn't have to be strenuous) - it can feel really uplifting to just get the physical achievement and you do meet a lot of men (and even cool women). Sports clubs like running etc are fantastic - you get absolute beginners but again, easy to meet men. And get really fit. Join Strava - it helps you connect with other local runners/cyclists.

I personally find the apps useful to date, but treat it more as a chance to dress up and have the chance to do something on an evening, rather than just a way to meet someone. Pick places or activities you want to see. You'll put less pressure on yourself that way, and not hate the process as much. And if you meet someone you could be friends with, if opens up a new avenue of socialising.

Is moving for work, even a temporary move, an option at all? Sometimes you just need a change of scene.

But the most important thing is to start making these changes slowly and really focusing on finding your mojo again.

@countbackfromten Thank you, you're very kind :-)

Don't be hard on yourself OP, you can be happy for someone else and feel sad for yourself at the same time

I understand how you feel. Everyone's excited about when lockdown is lifted - it will not make any difference to me, my life feels like a continuous ground hog day anyway.
This pandemic has made me realise how pathetic my life is so I've been taking measures to move it in another direction- work wise.
I'm also trying to find new ways of meeting new and different people just to get some variety in my life. Believe it or not I'm actually using dating apps for this! Some of them have settings for friendship mode as-well.
There is no worse feeling in the world than not being bothered if you wake up the next day, I know I've been there and was there for quite a while.
Let yourself feel sad, give yourself time to heal from that sadness, give yourself what you need to move through this. Don't worry about feeling bad for your friend, just focus on you right now. 💐

I feel just like you OP. You are not alone. But I’m much older so I really feel that this is it for me. I’m just sleepwalking thru life cause I know nothing will change for me.

Im so sorry to hear so many of you feel like this. It’s horrible isn’t it, just a pervading sense of melancholy and trying to get through each day.

Ive lost a lot of weight since the start of the year and it’s just been through apathy. Not even food which I enjoyed feels particularly fulfilling anymore.

Didn't want to read and run. Firstly, do you have enough money to get buy and are you healthy? If so, you have years ahead of you to change paths, try new things, enter relationships and - yes - potentially have children if that's something you want. Personally, I would travel once it's doable. Pick a place you want to visit and stay in hostels if you're socialable enough, you're almost garanteed to meet like minded people (many in their 30s/40s, I'm 35 myself and married but still love travelling solo) Local activities as well. A course. You can start small. Every step you take will open other doors and enrich your life. I wish you all the best.

Hey OP,
Firstly I think it’s totally understandable to feel a bit conflicted about your friend. You are happy for her, just not for yourself, and it’s totally human to feel like that. I know I felt like that a lot, it’s just hard when it’s something you want and you don’t know when it’s going to happen.

I was reading a feature recently where they called this time ‘the panic years’ and I think that definitely summed up how I felt. And I wasn’t going through this during lockdown, which makes it so much harder, as you can’t travel or date or do new things to meet people. But the good news is that we are coming out of that now, so things are going to get much better.

In terms of your age, you really are so young and you do have time to meet someone and settle down/have kids if that’s what you want. I met my partner when I was 40 and within 15 months I was pregnant. We now have a lovely two year old and live together in a lovely/needs some work house! Things aren’t perfect (PND, redundancy etc) but I feel really grateful for my partner and daughter. And you have four years on me!

When I look back at this time, I think I had a bit of a filter on and only focused on people who had what I wanted. Yes, a lot of my friends had settled down, but a lot hadn’t. Also I made a lot of assumptions about how happy people were and how perfect their lives were - that wasn’t always the case. In fact as I finally met someone, quite a few couples were sadly breaking up. You just don’t know what’s going on in people’s lives and they may have struggles you don’t see. Obviously you don’t want things to go wrong for people! I just mean that we can make a lot of assumptions about everyone’s lives being perfect (esp with all the social media etc where people curate a perfect lie and only include the highlights) to make ourselves feel worse, when it isn’t really the case.

A few things that helped me a bit were:

1. Being glad I hadn't ‘settled’ for a bad relationship or just something I wasn’t really into. I would rather be on my own and looking than with someone who wasn’t right for the sake of it.

2. Remembering times I had felt like this before (eg I’ll never meet anyone) and then suddenly met someone. Then when I looked back I was like, I wish I hadn’t spent all that time being so stressed and miserable. So I tried to let that inform the present.

1. Getting more rigorous with my dating standards. Which wasn’t about someone being perfect in terms of job, status etc, but in how they treated me. If someone started being a dick I didn’t get sucked into it, even if I liked them. I pulled away and told them to get lost, so I wasn’t wasting time on some idiot and missing out on the chance to meet someone decent.

1. Letting go of certain things. Eg just saying okay, maybe I won’t get married, and I won’t have children. How do I feel about that? Can I accept that? Maybe it’s okay if that doesn’t happen and I can have another path in life. Just kind of accepting the possibility and letting go of that stress, but in a positive way, because stressing about it wasn’t helping.

Weirdly, once I had started to let go of the idea of meeting someone, I met two people! One of whom is my partner. So I think just trying to be acceptant and positive, and looking after yourself can really help.

Also you mentioned you had lost weight during lockdown, and I don’t know how you feel about that, but could you treat yourself to some new clothes - a post lockdown wardrobe - and make the most of it? Some nice new things for the summer, for travelling, for dates etc.

Re friends disappearing, that might be the case with some people for a bit but could you aim to make some new, younger/single/child free friends over the next year. So whether that’s through a new job or a new activity or just getting out and socialising when we’re allowed? During lockdown, I did an online writing course and have made a friend through that, and we’re planning to meet up once it’s possible. So even doing remote stuff you can bond with people.

Also with my friends who had kids, they were often keen to escape or just brought their babies to the pub in a sling, so they won’t disappear, just maybe for the first 2 weeks of utter baby hell.

Re meeting someone - I did online date but all my serious/good relationships were people I met IRL. But I know people who have married people they met online. So it’s just trying to keep both avenues open. I met my partner at work, which was a much more mixed office than the ones I had been working in for years. What is your work like for meeting people? Do you have other interests that might lead to meeting someone? Anyone you are or make friends with could lead to this so it’s just really good to have as wide a network as possible. (Not that meeting someone is the be all and end all but having a wide network is good in so many ways).

I hope this helps a little. Just try to keep going, make plans for after lockdown (travel, activities, seeing people) and be kind to yourself in the mean time

Your post resonates with me. I'm 39, although divorced but with no children. What lockdown has revealed to me is the sheer loneliness, isolation and exclusion that is pervasive in my life, which did exist before but has now been exacerbated by the pandemic. My family isn't nearby and although I have a couple of good friends, it isn't enough.

Being single and childless in your 30s, and without an extensive network of family and/or friends, and /or an identity defining career, leaves me feeling listless and unfulfilled. I have a reasonably well paid job and own my own home, but I am lonely, and find the monotony of the evenings/weekends as well as the inability to plan or imagine the future to look any different than to what it is at the moment, a very sad prospect.

Yes, by all all means, you may get fortunate like the previous poster and meet a suitable partner and have a family with him in the immediate future, but you may not. Many women end up single and childless, or childless as the ability to conceive becomes more difficult if not impossible, especially in our 30s.

Would you be prepared to explore/consider single parenthood? Have you checked your fertility status? Single parenthood could be a viable option, unless you only see having children within a context of a romantic relationship? In addition, being single also precludes women from having free fertility treatment, should you be in a position to require assistance, so the double whammy of being unpartnered and with potential difficulty to conceive is an added financial barrier/burden.

After a number of failed relationships, last year I decided to undergo an IUI procedure (via a sperm donor), unfortunately the procedure was unsuccessful. I have also become aware that other than my age, I have a fertility issue, which has been an additional blow. I'm going to start IVF soon, as I see this as my last opportunity to create my own family. I may not be successful as the stats are disappointing, but waiting for the right man/relationship is simply no longer an idea I'm willing to entertain, although a very seductive one still.

Looking into other people's lives and thinking that this may never happen to me is distressing. Watching my peers move on, as you stated and enter different life stages, makes me feel anxious, resentful, bitter, even envious, feelings which I never used to harbour before.

What is important to you: is it finding a partner or having a family of your own by any means possible?

Google Jean Twenge and fertility. Don’t assume you don’t have time.

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. There’s been a lot of attention paid to how hard the lockdown has been for parents but very little paid to how difficult it is for single people.