Friend's abusive ex is turning children against her - advice please...

[Eurotrotters]

Hello everyone. I hope someone can give us some advice. My friend's ex is extremely abusive and has now made several malicious reports to social services about her. They have three children, 5, 8, and 11.

Family courts decided a few years ago on his EOW etc access but he frequently abuses this and keeps them longer. Now the older children are saying they hate her and don't want to live with her. They call her terrible (misogynist) names that could only have come from an adult IYSWIM? Previous reports to social services were found to have no basis but yet he continues. He is clearly using SS, the family courts and the police (yep them too) to continue his abuse and coercive control and it does seem that they're all allowing this to carry on without any consequence. Prior to his campaign of alienation, she had a normal loving mother and child relationship with her children. She's fully cooparated at every stage with SS and the family courts.

She's completely beaten down by all of this and is bamboozled by what steps she can take to get this abuse to stop and for her to try and rebuild her children. They are obviously just pawns in his game and are damaged by it too.

If anyone has any steps or insight on how she can stop the malicious complaints and prevent him from destroying her relationship with her children. Do social services even recognise alienation as a thing?

When they split up she was referred to WA and had an occupation order against him & she has been receiving legal aid.

Thank you.

This is an impossible situation and I’ve spent the last 18 years dealing with the same.
The only way it’s to get social services to engage with him to work on the dynamic between him and the children and insist that what he is doing is parental alienation which is illegal.
She can actually stop contact for this as it’s abuse with the caveat it’s very hard to prove. I have a very dim view of SS as in my experience they are usually out of their depth with these situations especially when there is DV. Woman’s Aid and Solace may help but I would counsel your friend to build her family and friend support network and ensure those kids understand just what their mother is doing to support them before it ends up even more of a mess and CAHMS are also utterly inept. I’m sorry this is so negative but this situations sounds absolutely unendurable but I’m most like projecting.

I would like to say document everything but your friend must be exhausted dealing with his bullshit. What an absolute vile man to do this to his kids.

Part of alienation are vexatious claims this includes housing the mother through court, SS and CSA tribunals. This can be acknowledged by these organisations if a pattern emerges and a non mol can be ordered. I have the absolute rage on behalf or your friend and I have seen the damage this causes and the lives ruined because of a bitter angry ex. He can’t be let you get away with it so she needs to report this all now to Woman’s Aid as harassment.

Hounding the mother, speed typing = errors!

No advice but my heart goes out to your friend, this sounds like an absolutely horrible situation to be dealing with.

Thanks . I have never seen such a sustained attempt to completely destroy a person. The only way I can describe it is evil. She finds it hard to articulate what is happening to her, which is why I'm trying to help find out info as far as I can. I've told her to keep a diary, she'll call WA again tomorrow and will contact SS directly herself. Tbh I think it needs to go back to court and she needs a new solicitor who isn't a wet lettuce. She has no family support nearby, unfortunately. I'm quite sure he wouldn't be so keen to ruin her if she had more people fighting her corner. Odious person. It's just so bizarre how no one involved professionaly seems to stick their head up and say, hang on, this is classic abuse.

They won’t I’m afraid. I shall refrain from offering my honest opinion of social services but they won’t help as they have certain frameworks they operate in and anything outside of that is beyond their comprehension. They have boxes to check and that’s it. Their competencies only extend as far as the handbook they are given.

I would suggest she engages the school if she had a good relationship and flag there there are ‘issues’ and her children may need additional support can they keep an eye out for anything etc etc without going into any specific detail but I would caution to be very mindful about what’s disclosed. Generally schools are actually far more understanding and have a far more balanced view as they have seen it all. Having said that I’ve also experienced some shocking headteachers who’ve no idea what pastoral care is all about, even schools who advertise themselves as excellent because of it.

Yes, you need a SHL as that makes all the difference. I was lucky I had a fairly perceptive judge but long term that didn’t make an iota of difference as I was and am still dealing with a very toxic, damaged and destructive individual hell bent on making sure he drags everyone down to his pathetic level. I sound angrier than I am but only because how dare another one do this. The kids will be irreparable impacted by this but there are steps your friend can take to mitigate for this. Its unfair on them but she will have to make them understand in an age appropriate way that certain things are happening which are beyond her control which is why things may not be feeling great. When they’re older they’ll realise he’s an absolute prick but I made the mistake of thinking I was being protective by smiling and nodding when DC were extolling his virtues whilst using me as a punching back physically and metaphorically because of the manipulation and abuse which went on during contact. I only found out years later the things which were being said. Beyond reproach to be honest and I’m sure he thinks he’s getting away with his as mostly they know exactly what they are doing. In my case the MIL was driving a lot of the onslaught.

Father round the troops as this will be bumpy. Not sure how the DC are but if they are primary school age then drastic and swift action needs to be taken.

I will add though that the children don’t need to understand any details other than things are a little challenging but that’s life sometimes and mummy is doing her best to make sure that they are as happy as they can be etc etc that will be up to your friend to decide with professional guidance. May be a stretch but school will be able to offering counselling as if they are acting out that needs to be addressed ASAP especially if your friend has no support. Sorry for the long post but this sounds hell for you friend.

And yes it’s insidious which makes it’s even more devastating. What an absolute c*nt.

I have nothing to add to Soggy but agree with letting school know. My daughter is in v similar position. School have been great and eldest gc has mentor who meets with her regularly. I wish your friend well. Horrible situation

My DC school were the best support with my family. I too shall refrain from saying too much about social services, as someone will soon come along to chirp up they are overworked and underpaid and what about the children they do save etc etc, but when I told them about the horrific abuse myself and my children suffered from exhusband, and with police and women’s aid support and evidence, they decided that the children should be given more contact with their father. Social services are the very last people I would go to if I ever needed help, they are utterly useless.

Thanks for all the advice, and @Soggybread I'm so saddened to hear what you've gone through. It all seems so hopeless for my friend as it just seems that everything is stacked against her. The children's behaviour is just so distressing too because they're awful to her but she knows it's because of the toxic lies he is feeding them. The school knows what's going on and have been pretty supportive but there's only so much they can do. The real damage is being done on his contact days. She's calling WA today so hopefully she'll be pointed in the right direction. Thank you all.

I think it's about teaching kids about having a mind of their own. Teaching them not to automatically assume someone is right in their viewpoint. This means social media, teachers, friends, family. Anyone with an opinion. I think it's called Critical Thinking, looking at various aspects of dialogue. And as your kids get older they will find their own voice instead of any drip feeding they are getting. Stay strong lovey.x

Yes @lydia2021you articulated better than I did when I mentioned rallying round support.

If she teaches her children to not be manipulated and to understand that opinion is subjective then she will be one step ahead. The struggle is remaining emotionally detached from their behaviour when things feel unmanageable, I still fail at this.

They will in time understand these things of course but it better that they don’t take the hard route of being brainwashed in the meantime as then there is more to heal. It’s damage limitation at this point. If he makes misogynist comments, then she can teach them about it without mentioning the father at all. If he makes sexist comments then teach them about the impact of sexism. If he’s behaving like a bully then discuss bullying. There needs to be no reference to their father at all just like sex ed at school give them tools to recognise ‘bad behaviour’. It make seem manipulative but really if it walks like one. The probably won’t tie the two together and that’s fine and if they are young then not a bad thing but at least they will see that what he is doing is wrong but in a kind way and having figured it out for themselves.

Again I’m not articulating myself very well here because I get very triggered by this sort of abuse. Makes me hold my breathe.

Again for those that didn’t hear, what a monumental c*nt.

I mean sex ed as that’s one of those topics which teach about life and not just times tables and volcanos.