I'm not really wanting advice but thought I could post as a place for people to commiserate over their situations if they find this relatable.
I've always had a fairly arms-length relationship with my Mum emotionally. I can't truly open up to her, I don't recall any spontaneous hugs from her or any warmth. When I think of my Mum, I think of a very cold, tough as old boots Yorkshire woman who's favourite phrase is to 'just get on with it'.
Well I had my daughter in the first week of lockdown and I've had a total of 0 calls/texts from my Mum asking after us. We've talked, and she's asked. But I ALWAYS had to make the first move.
Lately my mental health is in the toilet, my Mum is aware of it. I have a history of poor mental health. I also now have a toddler and a baby. Have we had any calls? No. Any texts? Also no. Any communication at all when I don't call her? Nope. I push forward for the kids, but I'm massively neglecting myself.
I know I shouldn't compare, but I'm seeing friends being dropped care packages, or even just some bloody bread and milk on their doorsteps by their Mums and I'm f*cking sad about it.
I desperately crave some maternal love, and this pandemic has made me realise that I've been lacking it for a very long time now. No calls in a national lockdown and I'm done. I feel let down. And yet my first reaction is to think I'm being dramatic, because my Mum would tell me that I am being.
Well f*ck that. I don't think I should have to beg my mother to care about me or her grandkids. It makes me feel so sad for them. Like noone cares about us. We're here alone, isolated with no incoming calls or visitors. My heart feels so heavy for us all.
The worst part? They live like a 10 minute drive away. I have 4 siblings that all seem to be chatting away with each other. When I do contact people they mention things about each others lives that I knew nothing about. I'm the oldest by almost 10 years so I already don't feel like 'one of the group'.
I'm just happy that my partner is supportive and mindful, despite his own mental health struggles in this past year. This house, luckily, is a good, strong unit. But we're very alone.
I'm guessing we're not the only ones though, right?