Accepting a money from estranged family member

[Zesting]

I supposed this is a WWYD, but I've received a monetary gift via a third party from a family member who I havent had any contact with for about a few years. There was no particular drama leading to estrangement just the family member made some poor choices, was quite hurtful and withdrew.
I might be over thinking the whole situation because its not every day that you get given a bunch of money, so I'll try to be as clear and succinct as possible.
I think it's best not to accept this money because

1. It feels inappropriate to take money from someone i don't have a relationship with.
2. I don't want to open the door to a relationship. I will have to acknowledge the gift but i don't want the family member having my contact details.
3. The family member is exceptionally poor with money and makes terrible financial decisions and I can foresee a situation where they will need money in the future and ask me because they've 'lent' money now.
4. There will be some sort of obligation to communicate afterwards, I'm just not sure to what degree.

Third party is quite insistent I take it, but i think they are clouded by the fact that I am low income and obviously the money will help. Also it puts them in a difficult position with the family member if I refuse.

Additional information

1. The money is in my bank account already, so i will still have to communicate with the family member in order to return it.
2. I don't need the money, I am not struggling, it will only go into savings.
3. From what I understand it's from an inheritance that has been dragging on, so possibly not family members choice to give to me but organised by the person before they died.
4. Other people have recieved the same amount.
5. I may look like an arsehole to the wider family for rejecting the family member reaching out.

Does anyone have any advice or been through the same thing?

It’s all pretty clear until you drop the bombshells that a) you already have the money and b) they are probably passing it on as part of a will or at least instructions from someone else

Does that mean they are the executor of the will and have passed it on? If that’s the case, there is no possibility it could be considered a loan further down the road.

If you don’t want it and don’t need it, but worry that the conduit relative might need it in the future, leave it sitting in an account and give it back if or when that day comes.

Or give it to a charity that the deceased would appreciate supporting and send the relative a note to that effect...

On the basis of your first number 3 point alone I would say best not to accept it.

You don't want to feel beholden to anyone.

Give it back in the easiest way possible as soon as possible. Perhaps to the third party rather than the estanged relative if it's easier.

Depends. If it's an inheritance, (you can order a copy of a will online so it's easy to check) from Person A, it doesn't really matter if it came via your estranged relative - you should have got it anyway.

If, instead, it's a particular choice that your estranged relative made, if it was THEIR money and they have managed to transfer it to your bank account and you don't want it there, well, it's up to you. There might be a few practical difficulties in returning the money but sounds like you could, in extremis, find their address and go round with it in cash in a carrier bag and post it through the door (!) .

@GappyValley
Thank you, just to mention a) the third party put it into my bank account without my knowledge because i think they knew i wouldnt accept it if they told me it was coming. And b) I have no idea if it's from a will, I've just been told it's from 'so and so', a person who passed away a decade ago. At the time there was no inheritance. I know they legally cant call it a loan, but this family member has form for using guilt to get their way.

At the moment it's in an account for my child because that's what i thought the deceased would have wanted.
Its only now a couple of days later that the money is just not sitting right with me.

@fabulousathome I was hoping the third party would say I couldn't accept it and just give it back to the family member, i thought this would be the gentlest way. But they wont, it's up to me to organise it, which i think makes me look petty and unfortunately means the family member will still end up with my contact details.

You're overthinking it. You've got the money, just ignore anything else that comes of it.

You say you're worried about an obligation to communicate, but there isn't. The only sense of obligation would come from you, and you can choose not to feel obliged. Block this family member if it helps.

It's an inheritance from someone who died. You can't give it back to them, they're dead. You don't anything to whoever passed it on to you.

Take it and don't engage.

Leave it in savings. Wait for the fallout and return the money if and when that happens.

Do nothing else.

@MrsTerryPratchett

Leave it in savings. Wait for the fallout and return the money if and when that happens.

Do nothing else.

This

So difficult for you. You have my sympathy.

Something we would accept for our children might be something we cannot accept for ourselves so maybe your DC having it would be, thinking about their future, more acceptable to you.

Not knowing the full circumstances, I think I might be able to persuade myself of the scenario above. You could put it into 5 or 10 year bonds so it cannot be accessed if you are worried about them attempting it back in the future.

It should be clarified by the third party if is an inheritance left to you by Will or on intestacy of a deceased person. You can ask for contact information of the law firm that dealt with the estate to confirm this for you. Say you need it for your records as proof funds are from legitimate source. It seems from your posts that it is from a deceased person & if that's the case, I'm not clear on what the issue is. If it is an inheritance, it is yours by entitlement, not a gift or a loan & no-one can ask for its return in future. You don't need to re-establish or maintain any contact with whatever individual you are concerned about.

Also how does someone have your bank information to lodge funds without your knowledge...I'd be irritated by that tbh.

@SionnachGlic

It should be clarified by the third party if is an inheritance left to you by Will or on intestacy of a deceased person. You can ask for contact information of the law firm that dealt with the estate to confirm this for you. Say you need it for your records as proof funds are from legitimate source. It seems from your posts that it is from a deceased person & if that's the case, I'm not clear on what the issue is. If it is an inheritance, it is yours by entitlement, not a gift or a loan & no-one can ask for its return in future. You don't need to re-establish or maintain any contact with whatever individual you are concerned about.

Also how does someone have your bank information to lodge funds without your knowledge...I'd be irritated by that tbh.

From the information I've been given the money was inheritance from deceased person to estranged family member. And family member has chosen to share some out to at least me and one other person, there may have been wishes expressed but the money is not legally owed to me, it is definitely a gift. If it was a formal inheritance it would make the situation so much easier.

The third party is close family, they asked for my bank details as they had some money for me, not unusual. They didnt explain fully until the money had gone i and i saw how much it was, which has not helped because i feel completely ambushed and would have not accepted it if I'd known.

Agree with putting in savings. You have it in case of fall out but can also use it later if not.

Maybe get the third party to email you exactly where the money comes from and why. That way, you have it in writing for insurance

You need clarification of whether it's a loan or an inheritance. If it's a loan, give it back. If it's inheritance, take it. It doesn't mean anything about whether or not you have to communicate with anyone. If they think it means they have a foot in the door, they're wrong. It's your boundary to uphold. Inheritance is a direct communication from the deceased to you. The messenger is just that, and nothing more.

Whether it is loan or inheritance, get it in writing. If I were you I'd communicate with them by email. Make a new email address if you don't want to give them your details.

Are you able to look at the will yourself?

www.co-oplegalservices.co.uk/media-centre/articles-may-aug-2018/who-is-entitled-to-read-a-will-after-death/

I'm estranged from my parents and brother so have that perspective to my answer. If it was a direct inheritance then I would take it and give it to my children or something. But it's not so I would give it back.

I'm not sure how this works but can you contact the bank and ask for it to be returned to the account it came from?

@mistermagpie

I'm estranged from my parents and brother so have that perspective to my answer. If it was a direct inheritance then I would take it and give it to my children or something. But it's not so I would give it back.

I'm not sure how this works but can you contact the bank and ask for it to be returned to the account it came from?

Thank you, I think this is my exact reasoning. I think the family member has had an inheritance and is using sharing it as an opening. The person is prone to bad financial decisions and dramatics and i think this is just more of the same.

The bank unfortunately cant return transfers.

Your last post confirms it's a gift from the estranged relative, but the money was left to them (not you) by the deceased.

Can you return it to the person who asked for your bank details and leave it with them to return to the estranged relative?

Return it, it isn’t a gift it’s a future guilt trip disguised as a gift. There’s nothing petty about enforcing your boundaries. Return the money to whoever put it in your bank account and contact your bank about rejecting future payments from this person. It isn’t your responsibility that this third part chose to get involved.

I think you know that there is always a price to pay for the path of least resistance. Listen to you gut and stand up for yourself and your boundaries.

I would check online and see if the will is available. It may have taken a few years to sort out, sell property etc, and may indeed have been left to you.

@AgentJohnson

Return it, it isn’t a gift it’s a future guilt trip disguised as a gift. There’s nothing petty about enforcing your boundaries. Return the money to whoever put it in your bank account and contact your bank about rejecting future payments from this person. It isn’t your responsibility that this third part chose to get involved.

I think you know that there is always a price to pay for the path of least resistance. Listen to you gut and stand up for yourself and your boundaries.

THIS.

People don’t change.

Don’t be lured into a trap.

Of course you / the bank can return it to the third party directly.

The 3rd party - is a flying monkey - they are assuaging their own personal discomfort from pressure from your estranged relative on to you. They don’t have your interests at heart - they don’t respect your wishes.

Push it back for them to deal with.

Your instincts are 100% correct.

Just as a cautionary measure @Zesting

Do not transfer money back and forth especially of its a considerable amount. You could potentially be setting yourself up for issues because some banks could see this as a fraudulent transaction and flag it on the system. Happened to so many innocent people who then spend months with a blocked account trying to justify why the amount is going back and forth to the bank.

Think these are still in existence. Send the money back in the form of a draft to whoever sent it. No sharing of contact details required, It may cost a few pounds including registered post which I would definitely use.

You've put it in your DC's account. Seems like the best thing to do. And yes, put it in a bond so it can't be accessed.

Having done that, I don't see the problem. Why do you have to give the donor your contact details? Tell the third party that the person who died's money will be appreciated by your DC when the time comes to use it. They can pass that on to the donor if they want, but I can't see why you need any contact.

I'd keep it because it's what the person who died would have wanted.

3. From what I understand it's from an inheritance that has been dragging on, so possibly not family members choice to give to me but organised by the person before they died.
4. Other people have recieved the same amount.

Yep. I don't see the problem, given those two points. The person who died wanted you to have it, and it's an equal share with others. I don't know why so many people are telling you to give it back. Presumably, because it's not their money. I can't imagine many people actually doing that. Especially when it can help their children in the future.