DM relying on me for emotional support

[GreyGiraffe]

I am really torn up feeling in two minds about my relationship with DM. I am 30 and recently married. I think I just need to write it all down and get it out...

My lovely DM has been through all sorts of really difficult situations relating to my father over the years from when I was about 7. All the various things were horrific and so difficult for her, and me. I don't have contact.

I get on very well with my DM and am very close to her. We are both always completely honest about feelings and it is generally an easy, supportive relationship. I get a lot from it.

More recently I've got worried my DM relies a lot on me and just isn't that happy. She has moved on in life in terms of new jobs and new friends (only one or two close) but also due to the nature of what happened, she is pretty scarred by it and it impacts the way she deals with life. She can be quite short and unemotional or difficult with people, is quite sensitive though and generally just sort of muddles through life.

I was a really emotional teenager and worked through a lot of the problems as a result of my childhood then but I think my DM has clung onto a lot of it all. Sometimes I just feel she is a bit self-sabotaging, won't try new things or really make change in her life. She won't see anyone professional to talk about things.

When something is bothering her, I notice all her anxieties come out, she has really low self-esteem and gets upset easily but tries to hide it. She doesn't actively seek to tell me these things, they more come up in general conversation or I notice. These things are never her taking it out on me or being negative towards me or my life, it just feels like I always have to manage the situation and almost counsel her that things will be ok. I guess it is also that her generation weren't surrounded by mental health advice and strategies like we are?

I am sort of on the fence. It all bothers me a bit but equally I feel most of the time it doesn't impact me too negatively, it is just what it is and I have a wonderfully close, supportive relationship with my DM. I can manage when I am in a place to try and help her and when I need to just let things be. I don't want to overthink it basically (although I probably am!). I also see many people on here (all for their own, different reasons) jump to being NC or very negative about their DM. I just don't want to let things go that way.

I guess I just don't want things to get tricky in the future as she gets older. I think it is also frustration I wish she could be happier, but I can't control that.

Can I make a suggestion OP? Maybe you could try a bit of gentle toughness,By this I mean not being so redily available for your mum,Maybe a simple .lets not discuss this now and spoil a lovely day mum..see gentle yet firm and move the conversation on to nicer things,Or maybe something like I fancy trying something new mum but i am a bit nervous could you come with me? Kidology,,you are really introducing her to something new she may like or opening her eyes to new experiences where she can thrive with new people,,you can always drop out and say its not for you but are so glad she is enjoying it..there are ways if you are a bit sneaky to helping her regain confidence and balance in her life if sheis anything like my mum if she thought she was helping me she would be right there! Have a think what she likes where would add value and see if you can get her involved in something that releases you a little. Seems like the roles have reversed here a bit and I would use that as a started to guide her a bit and see if you can help her more enjoy her life with love support and confidence,

Thanks. That's a really good point. I think you really get the idea that I want to help and understand how she has got to where she is. I don't judge or blame or think I'd do any better, just wish things were easier. I feel a lot of sadness that she hasn't had the life I think she hoped for or even close.

from my experience with my mum she dropped apart completely when my dad died, she was a strong woman in many aspects but her strength seemed to come from him,Without him she was lost,She was also lost with us growing up and getting married and somehow it seemed to threaten her well being.She didnt or couldnt see herself as the much loved amazing woman that we all saw her as.She feared,I believe that she wasnt useful to us (utter rubbish!) but she wasnt needed as a mother,she was no longer a wife she felt alone and abandoned and that in turn made her vulnerable so she began clinging on much the same as your mum does with you,Its very hard watching someone you love so much loose their way,She also thought about all the things she was going to do,had planned and in her eyes would never get to do so she became resentful and angry at life ..not us but life.Even now many years later i look and think she is amazing,brave and yet its not enough for her as she doesnt see herself as any of those things. I get you and I understand your concerns and its tough.Its very difficult to help someone carve out a new place for themselves but baby steps with love and reassurance can and does help a bit,You will get there I am sure as your concern is coming from the right place, I am sorry i cant suggest more to help, I wish you well,xx