Desperately need advice re: depressed spouse

[Braneycat]

Posting here for traffic

I know I'm going to sound like an arsehole but I really need a safe place to vent. I don't having anyone to speak to and any ideas are welcome

My partner has been chronically depressed, for as long as I've known him. He goes in cycles, and feb/March time is always the worst. However, like many of us, the pandemic has exacerbated the issue beyond my comprehension.

Hes quite open about the fact that he wants to just.. not wake up. Not necessarily kill himself but he doesn't want to be here anymore. I've caught him crying at his desk, he's quiet and withdrawn. My 9 year old has asked me if he's okay, as he's often just staring into space.

I'm so concerned but I'm also angry with him. His attitude towards going to a doctor fucking sucks quite frankly. We were in a similar position last year and he went because I told him that if he doesn't at least try and sort it out we would have to separate to protect mine and my children's mental health (him coming home drunk at 7am and being aggressive towards me in front of the kids sparked this decisive action), and it was the first time he felt like he was being taken seriously. He has been two other times in the 13 years we've been together and each time he came away feeling worse. He was referred to a mental health nurse and for counselling and then... the pandemic hit. All non essential appointments were cancelled, and it was never chased up again despite my pleading. He hasn't refilled his prescription since that first month. He feels it's all a waste of time and 'why should he chase up doctors appointments when they're supposed to be helping him' (i did tell him that's rubbish).

I was referred to the mental health nurse because I finally managed to persuade him to look into getting a diagnosis for autism. He is 100% on the spectrum somewhere, his general life coping skills and his attitude towards things fucking suck because he has so few coping mechanisms. Now, thanks to the pandemic, he has zero.

I'm so angry. I'm angry at his stubbornness, that he wants to leave our children to deal with this if he ever did go through with it. I'm angry at the lack of care he shows himself and our relationship and our family unit. I'm angry at his toxic masculinity. I'm angry that we're here AGAIN and nothing ever gets better. I understand WHY he feels the way he feels; he's gotten no less than 60 rejection emails in the past 6 months, not once even progressed to the next stage or an interview despite being heavily qualified in his field. He can't even get a basic admin job.

But despite my reassurances that it doesn't matter and we survive fine on the money we have (he does have two jobs but they're very part time, and very unstable at the moment) every rejection letter I can see him splinter more.

What can I do here? What are my options? Are there any?

I have truly offered to go to the doctor pretending to be depressed and give him my prescription (for an antidepressant I know works for him already of course). I've offered to handle his job applications and rejections and chase them up. I've offered to speak to the doctor myself, with him there. I do more than my fair share of childcare and housework to try and make things easier for him. But I know my body language is telling a different story. I can't look him in the eye. I feel uneasy around him. I recoil if he tries to touch me. I know that's not helpful in the slightest bug its entirely involuntary.

I feel like if I were to go behind his back to speak to the doctor it would make things worse. If I spoke to his family he would be angry. His best friend recently moved away which hasn't helped, but more because she's living the life he wants to.

Truth is I know what could genuinely help him but its simply not an option. Moving out of our town, taking our kids away from their family and friends and away from the school they love attending doesn't seem fair in the hope it helps him.

A simpler option would be to get a dog, in the hope that the companionship and exercise would help. But we can't afford that.

So what do I do 😭

I’m so sorry, OP.

He hasn't refilled his prescription since that first month.

That’s just unacceptable. But you cannot change him or do any of these things for him and you must stop taking responsibility because it will destroy you and your children need a good functioning parent.

Does he have an SAD lamp if Feb/Mar are the worst times? (I am affected by SAD, first 3 months of the year are always the pits and this year is obviously 100% worse as life is not normal.)

I think if I were you I would set my own deadline in my head. You know this month is bad then things improve a little. You know end of lockdown is coming too. If by Easter there is no action on his part, give him an ultimatum again and mean it.

Immediately, insist he gets a GP appointment where you can attend (even if that’s video or phone) so you can advocate and make sure the GP understands this isn’t a “go on the waiting list for counselling” situation but a medication and suicidal ideation situation.

He has to want to help himself and if he doesn’t you need to prioritise yourself and your children.

OP I have no advice I'm afraid, but I'm in a very similar situation. DH has been severely depressed since 2012 and refuses to seek help, he's not been to the GP once. He's been unemployed for 16 months now, having applied for 100's of jobs, but he's 53 and I think it's unlikely he will work again. He's also a drinker. He doesn't take part in family life at all, he hides in his bedroom all day and spends his evenings sat in the dark, staring into space. So I do know how soul destroying it is.

Honestly, if he won't seek help, I think you have to leave.

Can you afford private therapy with a qualified psychologist? When I got referred by the GP, it was always dire and in recent years they also seem to offer CBT with a "counsellor" which, in my experience, may work great for some mental health issues, but for deep-seated clinical depression barely touched the sides.

I spent 3 years with a psychoanalyst, made many financial sacrifices, and have never looked back. Medication is a very helpful crutch but getting him into good therapy may be better than a few sessions of NHS CBT which make him feel even more hopeless.

I know that's not supportive of your situation. I just wanted to pop on and offer a practical suggestion that might actually work.

Why on earth is he not on anti-depressants?
I really sympathise with you OP. It must be horrendously draining. I sympathise with him too, as I am a life-long sufferer of depression and it really is a physical disease. It's like the severest post-viral fatigue. Your brain simply doesn't send signals to your body. So you may think 'I need a bath' but nothing then fires up to get you to stand, move to the bathroom and turn on a tap. It's as if there's a gaping sink hole between you and the bathroom. You just...can't.
I think in your position I'd say something like: You are too ill to make decisions right now. I need you to allow me to make them for you because this can't go on. We are going to the doctor together. You need to take some fast acting ADs (avoid Fluoxetine. It's good, but it is very slow to activate. It can take months. He could switch to it from another drug but I wouldn't recommend starting from scratch with it. Try asking about Citalopram. Some people think Sertraline works well too. Did nothing for me. I have a similar sort of depression to your DP - crying jags and frozen in space, so Citalopram might be a good option.

Insist he takes a B-complex vitamin as depression is often connected to poor Vitamin-B processing. It can't hurt and will likely help.

Also PMing you. to you

So sorry you are going through this. My ExH had mental health issues and it nearly broke me. Eventually I realised that he was just dragging me down with him. I couldn't stand it any more and we divorced. For me, it was the best decision I ever made. I brought the kids up on my own, and it was actually far easier and happier because I wasn't dealing with an albatross around my neck every day.

You can't help someone like that who refuses to take responsibility for their MH and do something about it.

You cannot help someone who ultimately does not want to be helped. Its his decision ultimately and he is also an adult with agency. There is also a fine line between supporting and enabling behaviour and some of your behaviour is enabling. Enabling neither helps him or you and just gives you a false sense of control.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You can only help your own self and you've already suggested separating. It may be something that you should now follow through on.

Do not get a dog. Repeat - do not get a dog.

He needs to be on antidepressants or the marriage needs to end.

I have bipolar & there is zero excuse for not getting your arse in gear to get a prescription filled.

It sounds like he doesn't want to take medication & better himself, just lay around moping & wallowing in depression.

Depression is a reason but it's not an excuse.

Also DO NOT GET A DOG!

You can leave OP, to protect your own MH and your DC.

Mental ill health doesn’t excuse coming in drink at 7am being aggressive. The utter disinterest in helping himself is awful.

Do not get a dog. If anyone should move out now its him and not you people.

It sounds like he is an alcoholic who has been using alcohol to self medicate any and all underlying issues re depression.

Hi I’ve come one here this morning lieterally to ask the or vent the same thing. My partner of 21 years is going through depression. He has always been miserable or hard to speak with. He has spoken to gp this morning about more fluoxetine. But what I don’t understand is and j in work in general practice is that he is so open about it all. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong it’s horrible. I like to feel I’m quite upbeat and very supportive of him. But today I just feel like I can’t listen to it anymore. He doesn’t want to be happy it’s like it’s a chore and all he know is to be quite down. I feel sad for him I’ve tried and tried to get him motivated but nothing. Our sex life is out the window. I’m confused.
Are we at the end of our relationship??
Sorry for jumping in on your thread but just signed up today I don’t know how it works. Just desperately seeking answers.
I really hope your ok and I just want you to know I get you!!! All that your explaining feels like me!! Do you feel like it’s all off putting because j do.
Xx

As the old saying goes, misery loves company.

I just got to the point within the marriage when I seriously felt I didn't sign up for this shit.

I have never regretted my decision. And from what I hear, he is still the same damaged miserable fucker who blames everybody else for his miserable life.

His lack of trying to resolve the problem is not acceptable. I had a DH in a similar position, refusing to believe that it was MH, but I pushed him to medicate because I’d had enough of his attitude and having to do it all.
If he hadn’t medicated I’d have kicked him out. I’m not a believer in to death do us part and all that, he has to take reasonable steps for the sake of his family.
Step up or get out.

@Doidoit24

Hi I’ve come one here this morning lieterally to ask the or vent the same thing. My partner of 21 years is going through depression. He has always been miserable or hard to speak with. He has spoken to gp this morning about more fluoxetine. But what I don’t understand is and j in work in general practice is that he is so open about it all. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong it’s horrible. I like to feel I’m quite upbeat and very supportive of him. But today I just feel like I can’t listen to it anymore. He doesn’t want to be happy it’s like it’s a chore and all he know is to be quite down. I feel sad for him I’ve tried and tried to get him motivated but nothing. Our sex life is out the window. I’m confused. Are we at the end of our relationship?? Sorry for jumping in on your thread but just signed up today I don’t know how it works. Just desperately seeking answers. I really hope your ok and I just want you to know I get you!!! All that your explaining feels like me!! Do you feel like it’s all off putting because j do. Xx

It depends upon whether you want to continue like this. Do you see him making the effort to change ? Do you still want to be in the same place in 5, 10 years ? Life is short, live it how you want to.

I have been where you are for many many years but I ended it recently for the sake of my MH and the wellbeing of my dd aged 11.

It is so draining being around someone with depression. They suck the life out of everything and are joyless. I know that is the illness but if they will not see professionals or help themselves there is not much more you can do. Not taking medication is a dangerous road to go down.

I actually paid for my ex to see a Consultant Psychiatrist privately to get a diagnosis. I needed a letter from the GP which was sent to the Psychiatrist. When she did the assessment she stated that my ex had ADHD and possibly bipolar (which explained a lot). This is a route you could go down if you can afford it. It cost about £300.

However, he refused to take medication and then refused to engage further. You are not responsible for fixing them. I learnt the hard way. They must take responsibility for their health.

I ended the relationship for my own MH and for the sake of my dd who told me the atmosphere is so much nicer now in our home.

You need to give him an ultimatim and see signs he is willing to engage. If he doesn't you need to think carefully about whether you want this draining life. That is not fair on you or your dd.

Thanks for replying. I do feel guilty every time I think I can be happier on my own. It’s draining the life out of me feel in edge all the time. I feel for braneycat above as I know exactly how she’s feeling. I always give myself 6 months and if he not willing to help himself or not happier in his own head then I’ll go. I just never have. He doesn’t lift a finger either part from work. I work two job one in nhs general practice and another job so am drained too but I have to be the positive one for my kids sake. Completely agree life is short!!

@Doidoit24 - don;t feel guilty. His illness is his responsibility. I say this as a lifelong sufferer of depression. I made a decision years ago that it would never affect my children and I do my best to stop it from affecting my marriage. I really work on it - I mean sometimes for several hours a day, to prevent myself being that life-sucking weeping, immobile, joyless black hole in the corner of the room. And I know that battling it all the time creates a much better life than giving into it. You shouldn't need to deal with this on a permanent basis. Of course depressives have serious lapses, as anyone with a long term illness has. But it's no more reasonable to expect you to cope day in day out than it would be if a diabetic decided never to take insulin or didn't control their bloods and had fits every day.

Why does it feel like with every post about a depressed partner, the partner seems to never be on medication & has actively refused to take medication to help treat the depression.

Someone with that mindset is either a hypochondriac who isn't that depressed & using it as an excuse to opt out of family life, or they are into the "Big Pharma" conspiracy.

It feels like it's never because the person is just too depressed to go see a doctor.

Having been there when you're so profoundly depressed you will do/try anything to fix it & grab hold of anything which may help you (i.e medication)

I hate hearing about poor people held emotionally hostage due to their partner's depression

If someone is negatively affecting your life, using depression as an excuse & won't medicate them then that person deserves to be dumped.

Oh and for the record I also see it with people claiming to suffer "severe anxiety" but also not medicated for said anxiety.