Suspect I have been dropped as a friend

[expat101]

both friend and I work from our homes so we made a plan to meet up for lunch once a month. (not in UK so diff. covid regs where we live).

We have shared a good few catch-ups except for the last one several months ago and I went home feeling absolutely deflated. I wracked my brains trying to think where the lunch went wrong, the only thing I can think of was I brought up a topic from our previous catch up, which she is now under a privacy clause in her business not to discuss. I didn't know that at the time as she was the one to tell me originally of the pre-secret situation to begin with.

She was quite firm that she wasn't the one to tell me what I knew, so I changed the subject. That information is in the public domain and its pretty well known as far as small-town circles go anyhow.

So after a couple of weeks, I put that lunch down to other worries she had at the time, and messaged her. I could see that was read, but she didn't reply. I let that go, and when a relevant subject came up that I knew she was interested in, I messaged again. The message was read, no reply.

We do business with her service industry business and had cause to email a query about how best to address a situation. The reply was fine and she was going to get back to me, asking for a few more details which I provided. A couple of days later, the reply was really sharp, asking what it was that I needed to sort out the problem. I explained the situation again and was emailed a solution.

Good

But I cannot for the life of me, figure out what has caused the sudden shift and if it is actually anything to do with the situation above, or if I'm just clutching at straws. I do miss her company, she is fun to be with.

Hubby thinks its odd, Adult child thinks just to let it go.

However, her partner and I have a mutual friend and I'm debating if I should ask him confidentially if something is generally amiss. She was also short with the waiter on the day too.

Would you ask and take the chance it might get back, or just give it a miss and let it go?

Hi op. Different scenario but i recently had something similar with someone i thought had became a really good friend. We went from being thick as thieves to one day me noticing things had cooled on her side, quite literally over night. I wondered the same for a few days, should i ask her what's happened, i mentally pored over the last couple of chats we'd had to see if I'd said anything out of the way. I hadn't. I decided to just leave it. Her attitude had changed so dramatically at the turn of a hat that there was no way she couldn't know she was acting differently so as far as i was concerned, that's what she wanted and who was i to try and convince her otherwise. It hurts and when we do see each other sometimes i want to ask her but i won't. The friendship i thought we had isn't there so it's not worth the drama. I still think she's great and like chit chatting with her but that's that for me now. In some ways I'm glad it happened.

The examples of conversations you have given seem to be about work-related matters. She might want to avoid that if it is making her feel uncomfortable, especially around the confidentiality thing. How often would you talk about non-work general stuff?

Maybe something happened with the thing she told you, that has now made it a privacy thing, and she thinks you told someone else. I'm not saying you did.

When someone radically changes their attitude towards you in between meetings, its likely there's a third party involved.

Did you tell someone what she told you in confidence and she found out? That would be a huge turn off.

Thankyou for your replies. No I haven’t told a soul apart initially from hubby. He in turn was told about it from extended family member on a former property owner side. The person with the secrecy contract, has done several interviews, most recently to a national newspaper discussing her activities and is active on our community page...

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’ve had similar recently. I’m not going to push it and ask. It’s disappointing. I think it shows these people aren’t really friends. To be honest, I’m really struggling with friendships over lockdown. It’s really changed everything and I wonder if the pressure of the last year is getting to everyone

@ruledbynine

I don’t think there’s anything you can do. I’ve had similar recently. I’m not going to push it and ask. It’s disappointing. I think it shows these people aren’t really friends. To be honest, I’m really struggling with friendships over lockdown. It’s really changed everything and I wonder if the pressure of the last year is getting to everyone

I've wondered about that as well, and the private issue she had going on, resolved to a huge degree, and which we celebrated.

I noticed a drop in her access to messenger wich she uses for the rest of o/s family and not just me, but whether it's me thing or just a turn her life has made, I don't know. I thought our lunches were the answer to reduce communicating via computer and get face to face for proper catch ups...

I think you are all right though, just let it go. Sadly.

Thanks for your time.

which ^

Some people get mad when you treat them the way they treat you.

For example, a friend ignored my message for three weeks (and this is someone who never treats me that well) but then when I decided to take a step back and focus on healthier relationships, she went mad and started drama/gossipping about me.

If you have been dropped, maybe it's a good time to focus on new and healthier relationships. Healthy people communicate adequately and those are who you want in your life. Don't take it personally either as a lot of people's mental health is suffering. I have also been ghosted in lockdown by two people I thought were friends.

Perhaps it was more of a work friendship than genuine friendship. So now there's an issue they can't talk about they want to step back in case they let something slip. Also they may have been told to avoid social contact with your company.

Yes it sounds like you’ve been dropped, OP, sorry. If you value the friendship I’d write a short sentence to ask if you’ve done something to offend her but if you genuinely feel you haven’t I’d let her do the chasing next time. It happens.

Wait until the dust settles on this privacy issue and the pubs re-open and invite her for a drink one sunny day. If she wriggled out of it without suggesting a firm alternative get-together, then drop it.

I've had some very stressful work situations and been unable to speak about them, although nothing that would have interested a National newspaper especially, and it can be very stressful and spill over into other parts of your life. She may not even feel able to talk about how stressful it is, as talking about that might lead her to explaining more about what is going on.

My advice, give her a bit of space and see if the friendship is able to be salvaged in a few months.

Thanks all!