Need to share: unhappy marriage, can we cohabit and co parent?

[relationshipwoes]

I’m becoming increasingly depressed within my marriage. We both know it’s over and have discussed splitting but can’t seem to take the leap of actually parting ways. Neither of us wants to share the kids, we don’t want the kids to be passed back and forth etc. There are lots of practical and financial reasons why we’ve not separated.

I think we do need to take the next step though, but I’m not sure what that is.

Is anyone else successfully co-habiting and co-parenting but not together as a couple?

I'm feeling and doing pretty much the same as you. It doesn't feel very successful though and everyday I'm full of anxiety about wasting my life in an unhappy marriage. Feels like I'm slowly dying inside.

Financial constraints and not wanting to split my children's home stop me from ending it.

I think in the short term it's possible, but really it doesn't solve your problem, does it?

You're unhappy together so you propose to keep living together and parenting together, so essentially the only difference is that you won't be sharing a bed? How will that improve your happiness? How will it make you get along better? How would either of you ever move your lives on? You wouldn't be particularly well-placed to date or anything.

It doesn't work , what happens when one starts dating. Kids will sense tension between two parents. It's time to properly split and co parent. Kids will love having two places to stay at

Remember that you are modelling your relationship to your children. They are likely to do better with happy parents in separate households, co-parenting sensibly and reasonably, than growing up in an atmosphere of profound parental unhappiness.

Our situation is only achievable because we have been friends for over half our lives and our split had no nastiness involved..

We live apart.. On paper the children live with me but in short we all just come and go from the two houses. We do all family events together? Have at least 2 evening meals a week together, all go away together with both sets of grandparents who all really get along very well.

The children don't sleep at his house because two of them have additional needs that make it impossible and the youngest is breastfed but when I need a break he sleeps here and I take his house for as long as I need.

It's taken a few years to get it right and we've had some bumps in the road but at the centre of it has been the determination of all family members that the children would still have one singular family.

Thanks for the responses, it really helps to share as no one IRL knows the extent of how things are.

My heart goes out to you @LadyLazarus20 as I know how soul destroying and anxiety provoking it is.

You’ve given me hope and inspiration there @loopyapp as that’s the sort of thing I can see may work for us. We don’t hate each other and are willing to think creatively if it makes things easier for the children. Do yours seem happy? And, not that it’s relevant but what do your friends and family think of your situation?

I'm considering nesting for when I finally pluck of up the courage to tell H that I want to separate. Have you looked into it? Basically the kids stay in the family home and parents come and go. I think it would work best where there's 50/50 or close to 50/50 parenting.

I think it could only work when things are reasonably amicable because you'd need to be able to agree rules about cleaning/tidying etc.

My intention would be to find a cheap flat that H and I would swap in and out of. I don't see it as a permanent solution - although I think some families do it long term - but something for the short to medium term (a year or two) while we all get used to being a different family from the one we are now.

How old are your kids? If they are mid teens, it will be sooner rather than later that they realise that you are both unhappy but tolerating each other. They will model their future relationships on their parents, don’t make that their future too.

@relationshipwoes

Thanks for the responses, it really helps to share as no one IRL knows the extent of how things are.

My heart goes out to you @LadyLazarus20 as I know how soul destroying and anxiety provoking it is.

You’ve given me hope and inspiration there @loopyapp as that’s the sort of thing I can see may work for us. We don’t hate each other and are willing to think creatively if it makes things easier for the children. Do yours seem happy? And, not that it’s relevant but what do your friends and family think of your situation?

@scaredandstuck

This is essentially what we do. Though I rent my house and he rents his.

Our familes think its brilliant as do the kids schools, doctors and his employers. No picking one family for birthdays or christmas or holidays.. We still do it together! It eliminates the usual disruption that comes with living apart and as a result our children are well rounded and happy. All that changed was daddy wasn't here all the time, no.one suddenly started hating anyone or no subject became taboo. Hospital appointments are attended by both parents, parents evening too. We are often complimented on how well we have co-parented and told how much easier it is for the professionals involved in their lives.

They're never made to feel guilty for enjoying spending time with one parent in particular or worrying abiut offending one of us by spending birthday or christmas at one house. The older two flit between the two homes (though not over night as dad works very early and they're too young to leave alone) very secure in the knowledge they arent hurting either adults feelings in the process. The smaller two have acess to FaceTime when one of us aren't physically available and there's no upset or hesitation when the opportunity arises to be with the other parent. For example my exclusively bf baby is equally content with dad as he is with me.

We really do get on, hes easily my best and oldest friend and we have the same parenting ethos. He is way messier than me and so covers the cost of a weekly cleaner to compensate for the mess made when he's here. We discuss and plan things together and each step in their lives has been mutually agreed by both equally invested parents.

It is HARD some times. We are of course still two different people with individual thoughts but we would have to find these compromises if we lived together. We actually find it easier to do without the added complications a relationship invariably causes.

Good friends really admire our process too. Newer friends find it odd at first but quickly come round and get on board.

However. Neither of us have been able to find a potential partner that understands and doesn't try to meddle out of jealousy.

I've accepted that I'm going to be single for a long tome and thats a fair price for me to pay to achieve the parenting I believe is right for my children.

Wow, loopy well done you, that sounds really good and quite possibly something for me and H to aim for.

I agree with your point @HikingInTheHills, which is another reason why I think we need to make the next step - they’re a bit younger than mid teens but what you describe is around the corner.

I’d be really interested to hear from anyone else nesting or maintaining the family unity whilst not being in a couple.

@loopyapp what do you do about holidays?

@relationshipwoes

Wow, loopy well done you, that sounds really good and quite possibly something for me and H to aim for.

I agree with your point @HikingInTheHills, which is another reason why I think we need to make the next step - they’re a bit younger than mid teens but what you describe is around the corner.

I’d be really interested to hear from anyone else nesting or maintaining the family unity whilst not being in a couple.

@loopyapp what do you do about holidays?

In none covid times I take them for a short 4/5 day haven type stay alone and then we all go away together with both sets of grandparents.. Usually a cottage or couple of statics, with some camping thrown in here and there with paternal grandparents.

We love it. Don't get me wrong we arent always "the sound of music" but we work hard to maintain the children's status quo.

Hopefully it will show them that the end of things doesn't always have to mean conflict.

@NameChange1003 I dont know a single child of divorce who loves having two places to go between.

Could you buy a two family house to give you some separation?

I would say don’t try to hide the reality from your children forever, agree it could affect their future relationships to have a sham modelled to them

[quote CelestialGalaxy]@NameChange1003 I dont know a single child of divorce who loves having two places to go between.[/quote]
I do know of children who don't mind this, especially if one of their parents' places is better positioned for school/friends/social life etc.

However, I agree the majority don't particularly enjoy it - things like leaving homework/stuff at the "wrong" house and the feeling of not having a full time base. I imagine it's much the same as how we would feel, adults don't like "living out of a suitcase" and most human beings want a (single) place they can call home.

I'm also aware of a few blended families where it's quite frankly chaotic with the various children coming and going, to the detriment of all of the children involved.

I would be very wary of the nesting, for those considering it. I found it absolutely soul-destroying, the times I was in the other place, it didn't feel like my home in any way whatsoever, I felt like a ghost. Perhaps others can make it work better than I did, but I hated it.
It's tough OP. If either of you intend to move on with new relationships, I would think it would be better to part entirely.
If not, it can work if you both get along very well. However, you're probably only delaying the inevitable. Which is fine, if you need to take your time. Good luck OP.

@Stonecrop

Could you buy a two family house to give you some separation?

Thanks, this is a perfectly sensible suggestion, do you mean like a house with an annexe?

I'll have a think about that, but we do like our neighbours and neighbourhood and the DC have never been keen on moving whenever it's come up in conversation.

I feel a bit mean as it would be H who essentially moves out. Although tbh, I am feeling that rubbish about things at times that I would gladly move out if he refused.

@LalalalalalaLand123

I would be very wary of the nesting, for those considering it. I found it absolutely soul-destroying, the times I was in the other place, it didn't feel like my home in any way whatsoever, I felt like a ghost. Perhaps others can make it work better than I did, but I hated it. It's tough OP. If either of you intend to move on with new relationships, I would think it would be better to part entirely. If not, it can work if you both get along very well. However, you're probably only delaying the inevitable. Which is fine, if you need to take your time. Good luck OP.

Thanks for this insight. I can see how being in a flat with no soul could be no fun.

I agree there is no harm in taking our time.

Next step is speaking to H about it again....

My plan when I was contemplating splitting up with DH was similar to a PP, finding a small two bedroom flat so that the DC stayed in the house all the time and he and I came and went between house and flat. It seemed so much less complicated, easier for the DC etc. And cheaper - I don't think we could have afforded two houses big enough where we live. We didn't split up in the end, but I think it would have worked out well.

@BlackBrowedAlbatross

My plan when I was contemplating splitting up with DH was similar to a PP, finding a small two bedroom flat so that the DC stayed in the house all the time and he and I came and went between house and flat. It seemed so much less complicated, easier for the DC etc. And cheaper - I don't think we could have afforded two houses big enough where we live. We didn't split up in the end, but I think it would have worked out well.

Yes for us having two homes big enough for kids to travel between is entirely unrealistic due to costs. Where we live house prices/rent are absolutely sky high and we both work in public sector so it wouldn't be affordable.

Yes that's what I meant. Its nice that your children feel settled in your family home. Perhaps you could extend or create separation within your own house in some way for example as well as having separate bedrooms you could have your own separate sitting rooms? I don't know perhaps you don't have move to extend or perhaps that would be odd! I think with children and moving house though its something you just do and make it sound exciting and its not really up to the children? I never remember being consulted about moving house as a child and it always seemed exciting!

@LalalalalalaLand123 I think you have described how children must feel being shunted between homes .
I feel eternally sorry for my children that i couldn't give them what they deserve ☹

@CelestialGalaxy well not really, because hopefully both parents make a home for the children, who then in effect have two homes. What I felt was that I had no home - sharing meant that neither the flat nor the family home felt like my home (even though we get along well). I am a child of divorce, so I know what it was like going between my parents' houses, I was happy in both.
Obviously it's challenging, and everyone's circumstances and relationships are different, I know.

@CelestialGalaxy I totally understand you feel though x