Not sure what to do. Really need help, contact with baby and violent ex

[Razpoot]

So my situation: dad of 7 month old, now seperated as he took baby out drunk, shouted at me and her (told me I do nothing all day looking after a baby!) and grabbed my neck. I've been letting her see him as I feel it's important for her to have a relationship with him and I know he does love her and he would be devastated not to see her, so I allow it but supervised by his mother. He's also addicted to weed, smokes it every single day and relies on it to be happy.

I had rules, don't let her near the dog, always supervise him. It was fine for a while, then his mother comes one day and tell me about all the fun she's had with the dog, how it gave her 'a big wet doggy kiss'. I was really irritated as she had ignored my request to not allow her near the dog, Im awful at confrontation but I asked her again not to do it and she brushed it off saying 'oh it's only when she first comes in' and I didn't say anything after that.

Then, I assumed he was still staying at hers, but he uploads pictures and videos on Facebook with our baby, in a house I don't recognise. Turns out his mother has been taking her (baby) to his new house, which is odd because she never mentioned this to me at all, and she is very keen to share all the details of what my baby's done while she has been with them. So she purposefully didn't tell me for whatever reason, it seems, and also in the videos, his mother is nowhere to be seen, it's just my ex. Granted she could be there just not seen but I'm not sure

I don't know if I can trust them anymore. I feel like they don't listen to what I say, and don't care as it's all away from me in private and I won't know otherwise, apart from when my ex has slipped up and shared photos and videos. But the other option is either no contact at all, or arranged contact via relationship Scotland which feels so cruel to them, and I know they will be furious at me too if they have to pay roughly £40 I was told to see her each time. The lady I spoke to at woman's aid made very good points to me this morning that i shouldn't feel bad about that, he's done this to himself, but I still don't know what to do. Should I be harsh on them or try and reason with them again and hope they listen? Im really scared to cause upset and anger with them

First off, grabbing by the throat is a major indicator of potentially fatal abuse. He could have killed you just that one time. He isn’t someone who lost the head a wee bit, he is seriously abusive to have done that.

What happened/where did he go when he took her out drunk? What’s he like when he’s drunk? Was he on his own? I’m asking because if he has a history of getting a wee bit pished every once in a while and popping to the shop 2 mins away, while still completely unacceptable, it’s a bit more acceptable than someone getting drunk and deciding he’s not going to be told what to do by anyone and he will take his daughter out if he wants to.

His mum is a problem as you can’t trust her to follow your wishes. Where he lives is a problem too. Who does he live with? Is he getting stoned when he’s meant to be looking after her? What happens if he blacks out? What he does on his contact time is up to him unless he’s putting your daughter in danger. They’ll agree with whatever you say the do as they please.

His relationship with your daughter is not your responsibility, it’s his. You make her available for contact then that’s it. You have to look out for her safety so you don’t have to put her in danger just to facilitate his relationship. He needs to sort his shit out and be a good parent. Stops drinking, stops being violent, starts being reliable and trustworthy. Tbh, he doesn’t sound like he’d be a good role model for her. Do you want her growing up thinking that this is how she should be treated? That she’s only worth being shouted at or pushed around or that she doesn’t get a voice?

If he doesn’t sort himself out he can take you to court for access and I bet he won’t bother and will disappear from your lives. That will tell you how much he wants her in his life. It may sound harsh, but given the option he probably won’t bother.

You shouldn’t be scared to talk to them and that is concerning. It may feel daunting having to take them on (and I’ll bet it is her and him!), but work out what you want, practice saying it out loud, tell them then stick to your guns. You don’t need to get into a conversation with them, just keep repeating the same thing. They can interact with you on your terms for a change.

Being addicted to weed is massively concerning. It will be affecting his mood and probably making him unpredictable, irritable, angry and possibly violent. If he needs it to function then I wouldn’t want him around my DC unless he quits. If he’s not willing to quit then he prefers weed to his child.

Maybe have a look at this Freedom Programme

It's not being harsh on them, if you genuinely think your baby is at risk with them. You know his mum is not sticking to your agreement and is not being truthful with you.

So -

Either they're a risk to the baby, in which case you do everything you can to protect your dc, which is arranged contact they have to pay for and they are angry with you but the baby is safe.

Or they're not and you trust them to look after your baby.

Just to clarify, I don't mean by my previous post that I don't believe you - what I'm trying to point out, is this is too important for you to take a chance on. This is your baby. They're not to be trusted. Take every step you can to keep your baby safe.

@Lolapusht he took her out to Tesco's and Aldi for some reason, and yep on his own. I didn't know he was drunk at the time so I was fine with it, i wanted a little break. When he's drunk he's very moody and unstable. I also forgot to say I had a social worker calling me saying there was a recent incident and they were concerned about him having contact with her, he got drunk again (you talk about him getting his shit together but he really will never, ever learn). They wouldn't tell me details but it wasn't when my girl was with him and they said wasn't aggressive to anybody, so not sure what happened but the Police were involved.

I have no idea where he's living except its in the same town as me, and I have no idea what goes on when he sees our daughter as his mum hasn't told me anything about it at all. I think I just need a big kick up the ass really to stick to my guns. I would never forgive myself if something happened

@category12 thank you, you're right. I wish I wasn't so bad at avoiding rocking the boat with people and getting scared of his family being mad at me etc because all I want is for her to be safe. I might try to at least explain to them that he can't see her and why it's a risk. I'd love to say he can't see her until he stops his weed habit, that will never change though. He's convinced it's good for him

I also forgot to say I had a social worker calling me saying there was a recent incident and they were concerned about him having contact with her, he got drunk again

FFS that's a bit of a drip feed.... OP you're in real danger of having your baby removed if you continue to prioritise their feelings over her safety - SS will regard you as not being able to safeguard her properly.

OP, he is violent to you and he shouts at your baby and put her in dangerous situations. I would opt for supervised contact - I bet you would pay £40 a session if you had to, to see your child? Make the best choice for your baby.

He’s an alcoholic and smokes weed. I’m willing to bet he spends more than £40 a week on that. So he has the money for a contact centre, he just has other priorities.

I also forgot to say I had a social worker calling me saying there was a recent incident and they were concerned about him having contact with her, No. You did not forget this! You can't have.

You ignored it because it seems to complicated and scary to deal with.

You will lose free access to your child if you carry on like this. SS will remove her if they think you are not keeping her safe. You must be more afraid to lose her than to deal with him and his histrionics! You MUST!

Do you have the name, contact details of the SS person who spoke to you? Contact them and ask for their help!

OP, please contact the SW who spoke to you. It has to be pretty serious for there to be SW involvement, but remember that he wasn’t even with your daughter when this incident happened. If it was really serious, why would they need to contact you about him having contact? That should be a massive red flag. Remember that they can’t go into detail about what’s happened with him so whatever they tell you may sound a bit strange or vague, so try and read between the lines. I have no idea what sort of thing happened that didn’t involve violence that would make them concerned about him seeing your daughter, but please don’t take the lack of details or lack of violence as meaning it doesn’t matter because it does, massively.

Speak to SE and ask for their help. Say you’re worried about his family getting involved and are scared of their reactions. Show them that you want to protect your daughter and are willing to put her first. Speak to Woman’s Aid and any local domestic abuse charities and get some help about how to deal with your ex. Your daughter doesn’t need an alcoholic weed addict who can’t control his temper in her life.