Do I let this one just quietly go away? Or am I letting her down?

[BlingLoving]

Friend of 20+ years who I’ve always been close to. Her and her DH do not have DC (by choice) and she has long suffered from anxiety and some other MH problems, with her DH very much being her support person. It has also meant that she can at times be a bit flakey.

For all that, our friendship has mostly been a good one and it's felt mutually supportive. At times, I've felt she steps up physically for me more than I have for her (eg looking after DC1 while I was having DC2 or listening to me when I'm struggling as I'm less likely to only talk to Dh than she is), but this is not for lack of trying on my part - I have consistently been there, offered help, tried to step up and she doesn’t always want that. I can hand on heart say that when she has asked, I have always always been there instantly. Over the years I have also always accommodated the limitations her anxiety puts on things, because I value her and our friendship a great deal. She has commented on this and me positively.

She has struggled with lockdown. Exacerbated by the fact that they were in the process of moving to another part of the country when it happened. This has made her very elusive both physically (obviously) and also emotionally. But I am starting to think it’s more now and am not sure whether to say something or let the friendship die.

Partly I think it might be more because of the way her DH has acted when I've seen him - culminating in the most awkward lunch ever last summer where he said barely 2 words to any of us. However, there is something else also going on with him that we think is impacting HIS mental health/behaviour so it's hard to tell if this is personal or about us.

Another example that is indicative but not necessarily 100% clear is that when she left I went over to hers to say goodbye and while we had a nice conversation she didn't seem particularly upset to say goodbye. But again, she was packing to leave, couldn't exactly invite me in for a hug and a cup of tea and frankly, she's not going to be so far away that contact is impossible.

I don't know what to do as I can't continue like this as it's too upsetting for me. I worry that if I say something and the issues are all because of her MH I"m just putting more pressure on her. And if I saw something and really she just wants the relationship to die, saying something is not going to help.

On the other hand, if I just withdraw and let things die, I worry that I am letting her down when perhaps she needs me the most.

Any ideas? Specifically, if you struggle with MH, would a brief message saying your friend is struggling just make it worse? Or would the person just disappearing make it worse?

Have you seen her/spoken to her in an environment where she could open up? Have you mentioned that she seems more distant and asked her how she's doing?

@Palavah

Have you seen her/spoken to her in an environment where she could open up? Have you mentioned that she seems more distant and asked her how she's doing?

Yes, up to a point. She has always been quite reticent and in fact, one of the reason we have been good friends is that over the years she HAS been able to open up to me at various times. It does not come easily to her. But I have always had to be very sensitive about where and when and how I ask about stuff. Hence my dilemma now. If I was 100% sure that it was all just about her MH, I'd just suck it up and get on with it. But it's this niggling little doubt that it's more that is causing extra problems.

OP - I've read your post a couple of times and don't quite understand what the issue is. Is it that she doesn't reply to your messages? Or is very brusque/short with you?

She's basically disappeared. And I start to feel like a stalker after I try to call or contact her a few times! . It's fine when we do speak, but she very clearly can't or doesn't want to speak to me more than about once every 3 months. And quite honestly, that's not good enough for me at this point in my life and friendship.

This all seems a bit dramatic. Tell her she's been quiet lately, and you hope she's ok, and remind her that you're there if she needs you.

Then back away and get on with your life.

Why is this friendship affecting your wellbeing so much?

Why is this friendship affecting your wellbeing so much?

Because this is one of my closest friends? And we're all going through a shitty time currently? So yes, I absolutely can back away, which is what I'm basically proposing, but it makes me sad because this is someone who was for a very long time part of my day to day life.

Yes, I understand that, but

I don't know what to do as I can't continue like this as it's too upsetting for me

and talk of 'letting things die'?

Just back off a bit, accept that sometimes this happens in friendships. You can't be each others' number one all the time. It's not high school.

Why have they moved?

But surely if she has moved away you expected the friendship to become less close anyway? Surely she's cooled things slightly because of that?

You do sound as if you want the friendship to be a bit all or nothing - she wants to speak to you about every 3 months or so, but for you it sounds like if you can't have more frequent contact then you don't want any at all. That seems sad to me, and I would be quite hurt if I was your friend. Especially as you acknowledge she has done a lot for you in the past.

Is the thought of you wanting more from the friendship than she does perhaps hitting some abandonment fears for you? Are you experiencing it as a form of rejection of you personally?

Or completely different possibility, perhaps she's embarrassed about her sulky H? I had a sulky partner once, he ruined several nights out with friends and I subsequently cooled the friendships as I couldn't bear their questions of "is he always like that?" (because then I'd have had to say yes, and try to justify why I was with him...)

OP, I’ll admit that I had to read your first post more than once so may be missing something here.

She sounds like a great friend. It seems she’s having a hard time, for whatever reason, but you’re making it all about yourself.

Reach out to her and see if she’s ok. Even if she pulls back from you, stay in regular contact. She’s been a good friend and you don’t want to realise in ten years’ time that you lost that friendship because you didn’t see she needed support.

I don't think I did a very good job of explaining! But it's okay but a lot of these comments have still been very useful. Ultimately, for at least the last 12 months and possibly a bit before lockdown even, I'v felt that she hasn't been there for me I think. And if it's because she is struggling I can accept that but if she's trying to cool things off, I can accept that too but then my response is probably different. And I still don't know which it is but I think just drafting away for a while is better for me at this point.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I have considered that re her husband and it is actually very possible.

I think lockdown has just made everything harder. over the last couple of years a number of local friends had moved away (and now this friend) and with lockdown, I haven't had the opportunity to see or spend time with the friends who have always been a bit further but who I usually catch up with in person a few times a year. So am feeling a lot more sensitive than normal.