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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel uncomfortable by FIL

21 replies

Lil78445 · 01/03/2021 15:46

I'm just wondering if I am being unreasonable really. It's something that has been bothering me lately. I am early 30s and my FIL is 40 years older than me. He makes comments on the way I look, the comments are frequent. I don't make an effort at all when I know I'm going to see him to try and stop the comments?

It's not always complimentary or anything, he comments whether I've gained weight or lost weight, hairstyle etc. I'm not sure why, I feel like I'm being judged maybe. It makes me feel very uncomfortable, is this normal?

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 01/03/2021 15:49

No. Do it back to him. Comment on his weight/hair loss/dentures/wrinkles/liver spots/old man clothes etc etc every time he does it to you. He will soon stop

Sunnydays999 · 01/03/2021 15:51

Does you’re husband notice

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 15:54

If it makes a difference, my dad does it to me and my mother does it to my partner.

I feel they're just being a bit judgy/parenty/nosey...

Lil78445 · 01/03/2021 16:02

I've known him for ten years and I always thought it was just a thing older people do? But I have two kids now and I'm just getting really sick of it. When I used to look nice, hair, make up etc , he would act like I had done it for him. So I stopped making any obvious effort around him . He gives me the creeps if I'm honest. My husband just ignores the comments.

I've tried commenting back but I just don't have the heart to do it really. I'm starting to think it's me and I'm being oversensitive.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 01/03/2021 16:06

It's not you, it's not his age, it's him being inappropriate. He's most probably giving you the creeps, because he is a creep. You don't have to put up with it, a cold, contemptuous stare, and 'I find that comment inappropriate coming from my FIL, don't make it again, or another one like it', might do the trick.

You might want to warn DH if you intend to do that - give him the opportunity to step up for his wife!

lazylump72 · 01/03/2021 16:14

DH problem again,I would be asking dh why he feels it is ok for his father to disrepct you.What example does he think this is setting the children and why he isnt having a word and telling his df to not be so rude? I would also say OP you have no obligation what so ever to put up with this level of crap being hurled your way,If dh will not step in then refuse to go.I wouldnt stand for this.

HollowTalk · 01/03/2021 16:18

I wouldn't feel like visiting this man.

Lil78445 · 01/03/2021 16:19

@mbosnz

Thanks, I think I'm going to do that. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of just keeping the peace because he's elderly (and he's quite old for his age), it's just not on is it?

I just don't get what he gets out of making me feel so uncomfortable. But some people are like that I suppose.

OP posts:
lazylump72 · 01/03/2021 16:40

He does it cos he can ,,he will know how uncomfortable you are but he knows no one will challenge him,He gets his kicks out of being rude and it makes him feel in charge and powerful. I bet if you turned round one day and said How dare you be so rude?loudly he would shit himself!! He is a bully thats all.Personally I would corner him alone in the kitchen and whisper in his ear (whilst grabbing his balls with my hand and gently squeezing) shut up being vile now or you will not be seeing me or my kids again do you understand,?Then slip back into the lounge and let him think about it, after all who would believe little old you could ever do such a thing,,, darling fil must be loosing his marbles to imagine that. But then I appreciate I am a horrible person who would do just that!

Lil78445 · 01/03/2021 16:59

@lazylump72

I've started fantasising about doing something similar. I was young when this started and I let it go, excused it. I can't even really describe what it's like though, if he said something blatant I could maybe explain it better.

It's just always there, comments about weight gain in pregnancy , always commenting on it for years, gains and losses. It's just unsaid, like laughing about how I have a lot of energy. And I think he's being creepy but there's nothing to say that he is? Just always deniable. Comparing me to his ex ( my mil), telling me I look better when I smile, when I make an effort. Telling everyone the day is better when I look better, why don't I wear this or that. Like wtf does that matter to anyone.
Maybe it's just garden variety misogyny? Like we are just here to look good? .

It's infuriating, I thought it was mainly thoughtless and tackless before. He's 40 years older and three inches shorter than me! I'm realising it's about making me feel uncomfortable. I actually feel angry now. I've been soaking up the comments for years. And he's got what he wanted, me feeling miserable. I'm going to say something, I'm not tolerating this anymore.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/03/2021 17:01

I don't understand why a decent spouse wouldn't tell their parent to stop doing this...it doesn't have to be done in front of everyone...but just a call to say Dad, could you stop commenting on my wife's appearance. It's rude and how she looks is really none of your concern

SandyY2K · 01/03/2021 17:02

I meant to add that your DH ignoring his dad isn't good enough.

wandawombat · 01/03/2021 17:02

Ah, small man syndrome.

Withering glance, tilt head, twinkly laugh, withering look again. Silence is good too, let the comment hang. Learn to raise an eyebrow.

People don't change, they get more so. Probably was always creepy.

lazylump72 · 01/03/2021 17:09

Dont fantasize..do it! You will only have to do it once for it to be effective! Take his power to make you utterly miserable away,

mbosnz · 01/03/2021 17:09

Garden variety misogyny, creepiness, and enjoying the knowledge that he's making you uncomfortable, putting you in your place, I should think. Much like my creep of a FIL.

I am so glad that I am unlikely ever to have to see or even speak to or hear from that nasty little excuse of a man again.

(Full disclosure - there could be quite a bit of projection in my opinion/response, OP Grin).

tiredybear · 01/03/2021 17:14

My partner's uncle is like this. Makes inappropriate comments to me, infront of everyone. I call him out on it. every time. and revel in the delicious awkward silence that follows.
We have lots of little kids around in the family now and I am NOT going to let them grow up thinking that kind of thing is okay.
Sorry you have a creep in your family too. Good luck with speaking out. It really does feel great!

BalancedIndividual · 01/03/2021 17:24

What is it that people are considering inappropriate though?

Ive been told about grey hairs and gaining a bit of weight, from my parents and in-laws. (I didnt really mind, they said it in a friendly / joking way)

But I also have an uncle and aunt that are d. Comments from them include, you've got a big belly (in front of others), these clothes doesn't really suit you (again in front of others), etc...

Sometimes its a generational thing, but sometimes its just people being d.

Lil78445 · 01/03/2021 17:48

I feel uncomfortable with the comments because I feel like there's an undertone to them, it's hard to explain because it makes me feel so uncomfortable though. They aren't blatant comments so that's why I came on here to ask if it's normal or if it's out of order. I feel like my father in law making constant comments about the way I look is inappropriate. It's not one comment, it's several comments everytime I see him. I would never comment on someone's appearance unless it worried me for some reason.

I do feel better since coming on here, and I appreciate that maybe I sound like I'm overreacting but I think it's the uneasiness that I'm describing that people have responded to, so thank you so much for your comments everyone. I feel less paranoid and more able to put into words how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 01/03/2021 17:54

I told my kids when they were little, 'you've got an alarm bell inside of you, if that alarm bell rings, you listen to it. You do what you need to do to get out of that situation, and tell a trusted adult, and we will sort it out.'

I reckon that as adults, and particularly as women, we ought to be encouraged more to listen to that alarm bell, and to act upon it.

As to what is it he's saying, and is it that bad, there's two parts to communication. There's sending, and there's receiving. He may think that what he's saying, is perfectly acceptable - maybe because in his mind it's all perfectly innocent, or maybe because he's a creepy little man who gets his jollies flying under the wire, while knowing he's making a woman feel uncomfortable.

However, the receiver, is perfectly entitled to say, 'I don't like you making comments like that, and I want you to stop. I find them inappropriate'.

If a person told you that they found what you were saying inappropriate, and that you wanted them to stop, the reasonable thing, surely, is to say, 'gosh, sorry about that, I didn't mean any harm, of course I'll not say anything of the like to you again', even if you genuinely did mean no harm, and thought they were being a bit precious?

ravenmum · 01/03/2021 18:36

Sounds creepy.
"I'm not keen on people commenting on my looks, Bob, would you mind finding something else to talk about?"
"You look really tired, Bob, go and have a lie down in the other room"
"Jason, Bob looks exhausted, I think you should take him home."

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/03/2021 18:37

This sounds simplistic but IME the kind of men who make women uncomfortable with those kind of comments are simply the kind of men who enjoy making women uncomfortable. Icky.

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