Getting over a marital sexual assault..

[missbecks90]

Last year I wrote on here that I'd woken up to my husband of 5 years (together 10) sexually touching me. I thought he was asleep but although I'd been frozen in shock I managed to move and he stopped, a couple minutes later when I presume he thought I was asleep he started again until I finally was able to get out of bed.

I muscled up the courage and asked him about it the day after it happened but he said he had no recollection & but agreed that it must have happened if I said it did and he apologised. I asked him to go and speak to someone about it I don't even know who but maybe a doctor or someone could help? At the time he agreed but has made no effort to speak to anybody - looking back there's a few times where I've woken and his hands have been all over me but when I've moved he's just turned over and gone to sleep.

Even though he said he had no recollection of it happening funnily enough it's never happened again since..thankfully!

This doesn't mean I'm not still suffering though, I wake up in cold sweats after having nightmares about it, we haven't spoken about it since but I feel like he's brushed it under the carpet and I don't even know how to bring it up. I've thought about leaving a few times but we have DS (8) & DD (4) I'm not currently working and we don't have a joint bank account so I'm pretty stuck money wise. Has this ever happened to anybody before and what was your outcome? - I don't even know why I'm writing on here but I feel like it's my only outlet.

You need to leave and you will, eventually.

So I would concentrate very much on the money stuff, which firstly means getting a job.

@YoniAndGuy

You need to leave and you will, eventually.

So I would concentrate very much on the money stuff, which firstly means getting a job.

Thankyou.

OP I am in a similar situation, but what my H did happened several years ago when my DC were still very small. Like you we spoke about it very, very briefly and never again. I was in denial for a long time, and now I'm not.

The thread I posted is here. My advice would be to not let it fester like I have done.

Google Sexomnia.

@Kelly345

Google Sexomnia.

I have done, I think he would have to be asleep for it to qualify as that though & the way in which he stopped when I moved & then went back to touching me a couple minutes later when he thought I was asleep made me think otherwise.

I have done, I think he would have to be asleep for it to qualify as that though & the way in which he stopped when I moved & then went back to touching me a couple minutes later when he thought I was asleep made me think otherwise

You're right to think this, there is no excuse for what he did. Especially since he mysteriously hasn't done it again since you called him out on it, it was not an accident/unconscious action. Please take care of yourself OP, I agree with PP that your main focus right now should be sorting the money issue out. Could you also call Women's Aid and talk to someone about this? It must be such an upsetting situation and talking with a professional may give you some well needed support and advice.

Why don't you have a joint bank account? Do you have access to money?

Thankyou for your reply guys.. the only money I currently have access to is my child benefit money & child tax credits..both of which isn't much...My DH also will give me money if I ask for it but other than that, that's my only income. I was working up until September last year when I left to join a different career, a job that then fell through. Then with everything happening with Covid I haven't been able to find another job as both our children have been off school with lockdown etc.

I do want to talk to someone about it but I'm scared because once I do it will feel real.
My DH has spoken to the doctors today and although I wasn't there for the phone call to hear what was said it has been suggested he has sleep apnea caused by his excess weight gain since we met & the minimum of a glass of alcohol a night.

I feel like I'm being stupid now and not taken seriously by anybody if I'm honest...

If that is the financial situation then you are being financially abused. I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was other abusive behaviours occurring because where there is one type of abuse there are often others.

If you phone women's aid they can put you in touch with a local centre where you'll be able to get confidential personal support. You don't have to leave or make big decisions. Just having someone to chat to or validate what has happened can make a big difference. You're also financially dependent on him which makes you very vulnerable.

I've experienced similar with the touching whilst asleep and unfortunately it escalated. From what I understand it's quite rare for someone to suddenly become sexually abusive. Is this really the first time he has crossed a line sexually? Has he been coercive previously?

Op it would be completely reasonable for you to tell him to sleep elsewhere so you can sleep properly. You can't sleep properly if you're hyper vigilant about being sexually assaulted. You sound like you've got ptsd which isn't surprising.

Another reason to get in touch with a local women's aid centre is legal advice. They have solicitors that are specialised in abuse and will help you for free. They'll also help you with housing and benefits if necessary.

I think the reality here is that your marriage is over. People overcome many betrayals but I don't think sexual abuse is one of them.

I hope you realise also that his pretending to not remember is also emotionally abusive.

Please call Women's Aid and talk this through with them, they will take you seriously, as do the people on this thread.

And I agree with PP, you are being financially abused. You shouldn't have to ask him for money when you don't have an income.

@JamieFrasersAuntie

Op it would be completely reasonable for you to tell him to sleep elsewhere so you can sleep properly. You can't sleep properly if you're hyper vigilant about being sexually assaulted. You sound like you've got ptsd which isn't surprising.

Another reason to get in touch with a local women's aid centre is legal advice. They have solicitors that are specialised in abuse and will help you for free. They'll also help you with housing and benefits if necessary.

I think the reality here is that your marriage is over. People overcome many betrayals but I don't think sexual abuse is one of them.

I hope you realise also that his pretending to not remember is also emotionally abusive.

Thankyou for your response..

I think I've never made such a big deal over the separate finances as he pays the bills..it's not that I don't want to I can't get a job because I have the children. He's self employed and works a lot so he's always had more money than me..I just feel so reliant to because I have to ask for money.

I'll definitely get in touch with the above people and as you say it may make me feel better.
Thankyou ❤️

Just an update for anyone who's interested, I spoke to women's aid this morning and it felt like a relief to tell someone & they confirmed even if it only happened the once I know about it's still sexual assault.