How many of you here have cut ties with a sibling and how does it affect your family relationships?

[Gunnerbean]

Just wondering how many of you here have stopped speaking to one of your siblings and how that affects your relationship with your sibling's child/ren (as aunts/uncles), your sibling's relationship with your own child/ren (as aunts/uncles) and the childrens' relationships with eachother as cousins?

I have had to deal with this twice now with my sister. The first time we overcame it after a couple of years (with me doing all the running) but this time it appears to be terminal as far as she and I are concerned although I am absolutely determined to maintain a relationship with her children, if not with her who, I'm sorry to say, I'm no longer the least bit bothered about.

It really is a minefield and as much as you try to handle it in an adult way it can be extremely difficult to deal with at times.
Particularly, I find when I am trying to handle it sensitively from my side but she and her partner are clearly making no effort to do so.

I was wondering about mediation but don't think her DP (who has only been on the scene for 6 months, is not the children's father and who is the cause of the fall out) would allow her to.

I'd love to hear others' stories and how they deal, or have dealt, with similar situations.

Depending on how old the children are.

If her children are of the age where they have mobile phones and you have their numbers, then I would say you can keep in touch with them separately.
However, if that is going to cause them problems at home, then I suggest that you leave it as it is just going to make their lives miserable and you will be putting them in middle of you and your sister's "fight".

If however they are younger and still rely on their parent/s for arranging play dates and visits, then I think you are going to have to leave it for now. You can maybe send written invitations to them, but do not be surprised if your sister is not going to allow them to go.

I have myself cut ties with my big sister and my parents, and both me and my husband agree that we are never going to leave my children alone with them.

I don't think you can maintain links with the children unless or until they are older teenagers or adults.

My mother has gone years and years hating both her sisters. I'm one of 4 children, so not seeing my aunt's daughter wasn't that big a deal to us, but my cousin told me that it was hard for her not to have contact with her same-age cousins when she was an only child.

When I was visiting my mother overseas when I was 26(!), she got annoyed with me for visiting my cousin for an hour. She still had a problem with another meeting with my cousin when I was 38 despite the fact that my aunt was dead. There was never any animosity between my siblings and me and my cousin but we never saw each other.

I think trying to contact the children is only going to annoy your sister and she can stop any contact anyway if they're small.

My mother likes having feuds with most of her family (and friendships don't last long) and it was a pain for us because we could never go to the Christmas family gatherings because my mother couldn't be in the same room as her sister.

Because of my mother's antagonistic behaviour, I'm not a great fan of family feuds.

The children are 7 and 9 and are at that sort of in between age when they're not really babies but are still too young to make thier own arrangements wihtout their mother's say so. They are old enough to understand but also young enough to be easily manipulated by their mother and her new boyfriend who are trying to blacken my name to them.

I would never dream of speaking out of turn about their mother or her new boyfriend to them (he's the latest in a very long line to be paraded through their lives) yet it seems clear that he is intent on blackening my name to them. He is controlling and manipulative and has effectively isolated my sister and her children from the rest of the family.

While I couldn't really care less if my sister is happy to let this man control her life and curtail her freedom in this way to the point that she is no longer able to go anywhere by herself alone - even to shop, to take or collect her children from school or to visit her mother or sister - I do not feel that it's fair that the children should be forced to live with that sort of isolation.

They have known him for just eight months (he came to live in their a week after they'd been introduced to him) and yet he has walked in and the people to whom the children have been extremely close for their whole lives and whom they love and trust have been airbrushed out of their lives almost overnight.

I can't believe that my sister is allowing a manipulative control freak to dictate what happens to her children in this way. How she conducts her own life is one thing but how she lets that impact upon her children's lives in a way which is very clearly not in their best intersts is beyond me.

I was reading the OP and thinking... oh shit, my sister is on MN!!! Then I read the bit about the DP and the details don't fit me. Phew.

I haven't spoken to my sister for over four years now. I won't bother relating the full story on here as it is way too long and complicated to type out and for you all to read.

My sister keeps in touch with my DD, who was 17 when we fell out. They text, email and DD goes to visit her. I have no doubt my sister poisons DD's mind against me... I can tell by how critical DD is towards me when she gets home.

DS was younger at the time of the falling out. She does send him birthday cards, but that is all.

I think you need to be very careful about how you stay in touch with your neices and nephews as you are in danger of expecting them to take side... or at least being perceived that way. I know I really resent any communication between DD and my sister due to my sister's attempts to maniupulate DD and drag her into our situation.

My sister and her husband cut ties with our side of the family two years ago and now none of us see their kids. My sister's h (can't bring myself to refer to this scumbag as dh) must be gleefully rubbing his hands together now he has my sister all to himself.
It's very upsetting isn't it? I think about it every day, not sure if it will ever be resolved either while her h is still controlling her. We don't even know where they live.

yes i read the OP and thought it was my sister talking about me too!!!!
Shite!
But the details arent quite right..though v similar..

my sis and i havent spoken for about 3 or 4 yrs now..

allgonebellyup are you my sister?

I really want to speak to my sister, we used to be very close until she met her h. He is extremely difficult to get on with, very aggressive and domineering. The sort who shouts and swears in front of your children and then thinks it's ok if he just apologises.

moon66, yes, i am your sister.

and i fookin hate yer guts

allgonebellyup - good, coz i feel the same, you patronising cow.

Oooh that felt good!!!

Close to my heart at moment although circs different - have not spoken to my brother for 6 months and feel I want nothing more to do with him...he has no children nor prospects of (I hope) - he is toxic manipulative self centred and immature (as well as a druggie)....we have never been close but have always banded together agains our dysfunctional parents ....problem is my DD age 6 adores him - the erratic and unpredicatable times he has been in and out of our lives make me even sure he is not someone I want to have an influence on her (or y new LO due in dec)...I think it is easier for me as I know my DD is safe and loved with me...I guess your worry is that you maintain a constant positive realtionship with your nieces/nephews..and TBH am no sure how you can do this when they are that age without their mothers approval...sorry

It's a tricky one. I'm an only child and was brought up with my cousins (massive extended family who lived near) until the age of about 14. Then our parents fell out and so I felt very cut off. In fact all my aunts and uncles have done this to each other at some time or other so I kind of got used to grouping and regrouping with family depending on what what going on and with who. It's not ideal.

But what I'd say is please try not to put kids in the middle and try to encourage contact. Possibly with groundrules?

My own cousin in now in the same situation with her sister and it's truly horrible for all concerned specially the kids - they just don't know how to react when she is around (which is often).

Best of luck