Hate feeling this way

[chocoholic2021]

Married with DC. One of them helped DH with dinner last night and ended up at the receiving end of his foul mood. When I tried to talk to him about it and suggests he apologise to the dc he just says I’m just as bad with shouting at the dc. The thing is with him it’s not shouting it’s the aggressive way he speaks to us. He has never been physically violent but nonetheless it’s still pretty unpleasant when he behaves this way.

I agree with others that have stated lockdown can be like a pressure cooker environment and for us that certainly is the case.

I just feel deflated this morning as he had a go at me within minutes of waking and he tried blaming me because apparently if I’d just done as I was told there wouldn’t be an issue. I reminded him that he was behaving in this way prior to him telling me to do what he had asked. He just blames the stress of work for his behaviour. There seems to be no accountability for his actions. Thank goodness schools return in days.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Schools may return in days but the underlying problem i.e your H being abusive towards you all remains. What was he like too prior to lockdown, if you were to think about it some more probably not too dissimilar then. He has perhaps merely escalated this behaviour that was already there. Many people are stressed and have work pressures but do not resort ever to shouting at their children like your H does.

Abuse is about power and control; he wants to be the Big Man in your home. He is both a bully and a coward and what did you do yourself when your DC was on the receiving end of dad's foul mood?. You probably froze. You're not protecting them from the emotional damage this is causing your kids and you because you're all under the same roof. Like practically all abusers say as well its always someone else's fault (i.e yours) or you drove them to it; its never their fault. Such abusive people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

I would suggest you consider seeking legal advice with regards to separation.

Verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical and its a small step between further escalating. If he decides that verbal violence is no longer sufficient to control you all, he could well revert to using physical force against objects or you. Would you want your children as adults to be in such a relationship, no. Its not good enough for you either.

Thanks for talking the time to reply @AttilaTheMeerkat

I’m starting to ask myself what I get out of the relationship, I suppose that’s a contributing to factor to me starting the thread this morning.
I didn’t freeze fortunately but did go and check on them as they had walked out of the kitchen upset. We left him to it in the kitchen and snuggled on the couch together watching a program on tv they were keen to see. Then had to play happy families having dinner together.
I don’t know if I can say his behaviour has escalated during lockdown it’s just that when it happens it’s harder for me to deal with because there are such limited opportunities to temporarily remove myself from the situation. Going for a drive or a cuppa with friends makes a real difference to my overall sense of wellbeing.
I just don’t know what to make of it all, each incident on its own isn’t something to write home about but it’s the cumulative effect that I’m struggling with, it seems greater than the sum of all the parts, not sure if that makes sense. Told one of the dc they had vomit hair yesterday, when I would have just said your hair really needs a brush. Maybe I’m just being too sensitive.

No you are in no way being too sensitive at all here. That is often a charge too levelled by abusers at others. What you're describing here is a form of death by 1000 cuts; its a slow demise of your relationship.

What sort of person tells their child also they have vomit hair?.

Stop with playing happy families to such a man and think about your own future within such a relationship. Would you want your children as adults to live like this, to have pressure put on them to play at "happy families". No you would not. Your children as well as you deserve better frankly. You have a choice re this man, they do not.

“ What sort of person tells their child also they have vomit hair?.” I have no idea, to me one of the roles of a parent is to build a child up not tear them down. As a mother I’d be saddened to think of my dc or dgc living this way.
I never thought when I became a mum that is need to protect them from their own father.
Will need to seek advice from someone once the dc are back at school at work out where I stand financially, with leases, potential family tax credit etc.