Trusting again .. go for it or leave

[greatsgreat]

My fears are irrational but in context of being cheated on by my husband for over a year unknown to me , and subsequently leaving us , will I ever trust again .
I'm two years down the line . I've met a man who for six months has given me no reason to doubt him . He is committed, attentive and there is not one single question mark over his commitment to the relationship .
Yet I am wondering when it will all go wrong. Will he leave / meet someone else/ finish with me due to my insecurities .
Is it better to trust again and hopefully he will give me no reason not to or do I leave now and just protect myself for the future . I've had counselling
And great support but this is a stumbling block.
Will I ever be ready? He is patient and says he is not going anywhere .. that he loves me and wants me.
Thanks .

Live your future day by day and don't let your fears of someone else's past bad behaviour colour your view of the good man in front of you. To do so will surely destroy what you have now

Thanks. I really needed to hear that this morning. I feel like I'm
Going mad sometimes and yet I can see how irrational I am . It's like I'm
Waiting to catch him out and analysing every single thing he says to me or doesn't .

Well, it is only a couple of years since you came out of the relationship, and you've only known the new guy 6 months, so you haven't exactly given yourself tons of time to recover or be ready.

You need to be careful not to put your past onto your new boyfriend.

You also need to stop framing it in terms of catastrophe - "will I ever be over it?" It's not been that long! And if this relationship doesn't work out with the new guy, well, there will be others.

Thanks that's great advice . I guess I am afraid he will get sick of being doubted although I do hold back on my thoughts as much as I can. I need an open and frank discussion with him I guess

Any other thoughts or experiences you could share please ?

You've got to learn to sit with your anxieties and work through them yourself rather than going straight to him.

Yes, he can reassure sometimes but your past isn't his burden to bear, and he is not your ex. What are you proposing to have an open, frank discussion about?

You need to trust him. Not blindly, not ignoring concerns, but while he's given you no reason to doubt him, this is your shit to deal with.

If you can't do that, then you'll destroy the relationship and become controlling, policing him. Which is toxic for the relationship and bad for your mental health too.

Ironically OP your anxiety might be the thing that drives him away, it’s like self-fulfilling prophecy.

After what you’ve been through I’m not surprised you find it hard to trust but if you continue to live in constant fear then you are still allowing your ex to have a hold over you. Don’t let him win! I know it’s easier said than done but if you think of it that way then you’ll be determined to make the change.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

Trust is earned imo and 6 months isn't enough time to really know someone so I think it's fine to be cautious and measured, it's just about finding a balance between that and paranoia. There's nothing wrong with taking it slowly and not rushing to let him fully into your life, it's ok to have boundaries. If he's as committed as he appears he won't mind going at your pace and that should give you time to think through and rationalise your decisions as you make them rather than letting your emotions lead.

I actually think 'trust issues' are more about not being able to trust ourselves to make good decisions than not trusting other people. Betrayal makes you doubt yourself in every possible way and we tend to turn that inwards ('how could I have been so blind/stupid not to realise', 'there must be something wrong with me for them to cheat on me' etc) so our sense of self is damaged and we struggle to trust our own judgement. So this is about learning to trust yourself again as much as trusting your BF, and about starting to believe you're not 'defective' in some way, because that's how being cheated on makes you feel.

The one thing I will say regarding your BF is believe actions, not words, it's the way he actually treats you that should be your barometer. If the words don't match, or he's all words and no action, you know what to do but if he's making you feel respected and considered by his actions you're most likely on to a winner

@Weirdfan, very wise words.

Op, 6 months is early days so you are right to still consider actions rather than words. No amount of words will reassure you.. only actions and time.
Betrayal affects our view of people as we know that partners can be deceptive and it is also extremely painful so there is healing that's needed.

I believe people who have affairs have poor emotional intelligence and are selfish. If you reflect now can you see traits within your Ex that you would interpret as red flags? What did you learn from the experience? What do you know about your bf's relationship history? Did they end amicably? This is often an indicator of how he handles relationship break ups.

My advice is don't over invest at this early stage. Accept that today the relationship is fine and try to focus on having fun whilst also seeing how he treats other people in his life. Unfaithful people often are disrespectful to ex's (which allowed them to be unfaithful) plus they need ego strokes and deal with conflict badly. I think there are signs which on reflection you can see.

Thanks for those words to each pp. can I ask what you mean pp , in relation to your last line ? Signs that in reflection I can see ....

Gosh I could of written your post word for word!!! The advice I've been given and am going with is life for life now and don't think about the future which is hard but enjoy what's happening now. Relax have fun and it's your time to be happy

@greatsgreat, ex was unfaithful, certainly emotional affair if not physical and looking back I now see that he craved attention so when relationships got pass the honeymoon stage he couldn't cope. He also didn't do conflict in healthy ways so stewed on issues rather than resolve them. His relationship history wasn't good (but it was plausible) so now I suspect he left one relationship but always had another lined up. If someone isn't comfortable being alone/single they tend to have exit affairs.

Another red flag is not being able to take responsibility for relationship breakdowns. We should all be able to reflect on the ex partners strengths and why the relationship failed.

How old are you both?