I feel like a horrible wife. I am currently unsure if he is an abuser and I didn't see it until now and now I've turn into one.
I live him deeply and we were best friends up until 9 years ago. We planned to have our second child and I fell pregnant straight away, I wanted to surprise him in I'm as day but I couldn't hold my excitment... Anyway I told him and he just changed.
He said horrible things to me, things that I've never heard from him. I was in shock for a couple of weeks, anyway he started drinking at work, going straight after work. He would come home and through things, like his dinner. Tried to smash photos, however one photo was very big and I held on to the chair. He was just vile. This continue. Then I became very ill and when told my daughter who was 6 that I was pregnant and cried because she didn't want a sibling. I was heart broken.
The aggression continue, he would be go to the pub and be banging on the door to get in at 4 in the afternoon.
I felt hopeless because I was so ill, apart from leaving the house to take her to school, I left the house twice.
I just focused on myself and my daughter until the baby is here- that was my goal. However when my son was here, he was ill. Not life threatening but nonetheless, we didn't know what was wrong and my son didn't settle for number of reasons. Yet my husband continue everyday to act like this. I tried to talk but nothing, he was engaged with baby, when druck it was just horrible.
Then just before my sons 1st birthday he had a massive violent outburst. I tried to call the police but he put the phone down,then 2 police officers knocked on the door and said 3 Neighbours had called the police but he had left. Anyway, the next day tried to file for a divorce but I didn't have £405 to do so.
I told him that we were finished and if I had that money we would be divorced.
Then he changed back, just like that! So I just took one day at a time.
I went back to work and worked all the hours I could and I saved and continue to save.
I then was accepted into university for Social Work. I juggled childcare work and the degree. I was really hard but I done it. I've no support from external family and he gave a small amount of support but he works hard too.
Anyway, I don't know if I horrible to him because he is emotionally abusive and I can't see it or it's me... I really don't know.
Here goes...
He gets on my nerves all the time. Like he has sang the same verse of song for 4 years!!!
A "cooks" the kids dinner sometimes as im working but won't offer me anything... So I told him he was horrible as I always cooked and made sure he had lunches and dinner. He then gave me half pack of biscuits for dinner and a cuppa. "He trying to be helpful". I told him don't bother, your an a@sehole. So now he doesn't.
I plan a family day out and it's a chore for him. He.will rush to get there, then rush around to get back and sucks the fun out of it.
He is harsher on our son. He has a high functioning autism diagnosis and needs personal care etc
The other day he walked in from work and instead of saying hello love like normal people. He says " What's the Matter with you?!" I said how would you know if something is wrong or not as you only walked in. I was folding washing by myself. I did ask him if he would like me to smile while doing it. The thing is I was happy, good mood then that just annoyed me.
He hates food. I can only name some he like on one hand. After year's it has grated on me. Gets on my nerves to say the least. He just moans about everything to do with food.
He can't work any IT, even emails. So im his PA. He won't try and do things for himself and when.i say I can't im.busy right this minute he has a childish strop and moans until it's done.
He snores so loud I actually want to slap him. I don't but I want to! But he won't go to the GP.
He doesn't help with any personal care for our son.
Friday I finished work and u had work all this weekend, anyway I put up a a flat pack unit together, done 3 days of washing, drying and folding and interacted with my children. He just sat there. He has been known to previous "joke" about womens work. So my daughter asked what I.was doing, I said a mans and women job. (I've told and keep teaching her about equality and she knows my sarcasm).
If I'm not happy about something I will say, I try not to but I can't help it. I have recently gone a step further and that what he just did and how he did it and asked him what he thought.
He told me to "stop reading books" and "stop analysing" maybe I am analysing to much but I can't help it. He also accuses me of analysing when im not, this baffles me. Then I say why do you want me to stop reading because I've sussed you out!? He had laughed and said "well yea" and moves on. I don't over think or "analyse anyone or anything else. I just can't work this out. Is he an abuser now?
He said something to me the other day and I said "thats classified as emotional abuse and it's called Gas lighting". He obviously got defensive.
He also plays the victim. He will say something inappropriate or a " joke" and I will reply, or have a voice straight back, and he will say "I'm trying to be helpful" or " what's the matter with you!?" Or "you're nagging!" Or you're horrible to me".
Nagging is the worse.
I could write a book, anyway...
Have I grown knowledgeable, especially in the field of social work and I have identified things? Or am I a horrible person?
I'm tired, I've worked over the pandemic and looked after my children, ensure they where educated etc. Im tired of being tired. I feel agitated by him yet when im with my children, I feel a little bit of me come back. We play, laugh and go out and do things. We play games and watch movies. The world is exciting again.
He just watches TV and flick through Tictok! If I here "oh no, oh no" one more time I think I will scream. I brought him ear phones and he wont wear them!
I could go on and on...
Any opinions and advice would be much appreciated it. Thank you