How can I change?

[Jeezusmotherofgod]

Dear Mumsnet, I’m am so tired of how I’m living my life, please can anyone give me advice on how to unfuck myself when it comes to relationships.

I’ve come to realise that in most areas of my life, work, home, friends, etc I’m pretty sorted. I’ve got decent self esteem, reasonable self awareness, ability to maintain good and healthy boundaries and generally think I’m pretty sorted and happy.

However, when it comes to relationships I’m not functioning well at all, and I want to change. I’m trying to change but I’m starting to think that I will never be able too, that deep core of me that involves attachment to men seems to be completely hardwired.

I posted here a few years ago about when my ex cheated on me and left me and our children to live with the other woman. It was a torrid, torrid episode and I’m eternally grateful for the advice I was given. It really helped me through, and some of you were so, so right even if it took me a while to see it. My ex treated me very badly, was callous, cruel and remains so to this day. But yet I have literally no anger? No ill feeling, no bad will. I can’t seem to summon it. And as good as this sounds in some respects I am coming to see it as a really unhealthy symptom of my lack of self worth in relationships. 😥 I still can not be certain that if he wanted to rekindle that I would have the confidence, the ability or the self worth to say no. 😱😢

After he left I dated a few men and met one that became something of a ‘situationship’. He, to cut a very long story short is not very nice to me. I’ve agonised over why, is he avoidant? damaged? just not that into me bla bla bla till I’m tired, really, really tired. And to be honest, it doesn’t really matter why HE is as he is. I just desperately need to stop ME being as I am.

I want to change, stop accepting crumbs, feel enough, feel confident, but primarily I want to feel like I deserve to be loved. And I try, I really do. But it feels so fundamental in my being now that I’m not sure I can ever change. I feel as though this is the best I can accept. I just need to change myself a bit more and it will be ok, but it’s never enough, and it’s not ok. And I don’t want to feel like this any more. I feel such a failure. 😞 please can anybody offer a little advice 😥

Have you tried counselling?

What was your upbringing like? Did you feel secure and loved by your parents? What sort of relationships did you see growing up?

You say you think you have decent self-esteem, but if you're accepting poor treatment from men, there's something of a disconnect there.

@Jeezusmotherofgod

Listen to me very carefully.

THERE IS. NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU

You are enough exactly as you are. You have been through a horrendous time and come out the other side. Maybe it's too soon to jump back into dating after the horrible time with your vile cheating ex who was also abusive towards you. You have survived that piece of shit and now have your whole life ahead of you.
Please do the Freedom Programme and start looking at ways to boost your self esteem again. You need to understand how valuable and worthwhile you are and how much you have to give.
But you need to love yourself again and value yourself.
You can start by blocking this waste of space man because he isn't worth your time.
X

The only problem with you is that instead of walking away, you are hanging around trying to work out what his problem is.

A lot of people are just horrible. And I mean a lot. And that's all there is to it.

If someone is A. Inconsiderate or cruel to you. And/or B. Inconsiderate or cruel to others - they are horrible and you need to give them a swift binning.

Dont get caught in the merry go round trap they set for you of trying to change yourself to fix the situation or thinking that it's a miscommunication. It isn't and they don't want it fixed.

Start choosing yourself.

And I try, I really do

How do you try, OP? What actions do you take? I've been where you are... it's not too hard to get out.

I want to change, stop accepting crumbs, feel enough, feel confident, but primarily I want to feel like I deserve to be loved.
These things are all connected thus:

I feel confident > I deserve expect/demand love > I stop accepting crumbs.

That is, you'll only stop accepting crumbs when you truly, honestly believe that the other person should be proud to be with you.
And you'll only believe that when you feel truly confident about yourself.

Becoming confident doesn't happpen by magic. If you were trying to make your children feel confident, what would you do? Tell them you love them? Build up their confidence by giving them a great education and life skills and encouraging them to have a busy social life?
Do you do that to yourself?

I’m sorry to sound so pathetic and weak.

I was not loved as a child, my father was absent, and my mother was physically present but emotionally absent, difficult, cold and selfish. She’s probably has a personality disorder but I couldn’t say what. She doesn’t maintain friendships and has no close friends for example. My mother had a one year relationship with a man who moved in with us and I became very attached to him as a respite from my mother almost, but sadly he died very suddenly of cancer when I was 11. I didn’t have any other close family really. I think probably there is some kind of trauma here maybe. I’m not sure how to process it though, objectively I can see that my childhood was different, unhappy and difficult.

After my ex left I had some sessions of counselling, and they did help me to some extent, to maybe identify the sources of my discomfort, but sadly I don’t feel like they gave me the tools to change anything.

How do I try to change? I try and live a balanced life, try and eat well, exercise, see friends and do parenting best as I can.

I try and rationalise my feelings, be kind to myself and try and talk kindly to myself. I did for a while keep a diary and write positive things in it, about how I feel about myself, (I should re start this).

But still I feel completely at the mercy of my romantic interest for my happiness somehow. I really desperately crave the comfort and safety of a relationship.

This sounds ridiculous but sometimes I feel like the baby duck that attaches itself to the wrong animal. Completely dysfunctional. Like my attachment system when it’s ‘activated’ for want of a better word is insurmountable and It genuinely feels like drowning when It feels like it’s breaking down.

I don’t know if that makes any sense to anyone but me.

Thank you.

OP.

You are not "hardwired" for anything [smmkile]

Start reading up on Attachment Theory. Buy some books. Find some websites about it. Listen to some podcasts. It will help you so much.

Have you heard of the shark theory of relationships, and why some women end up with men who treat them badly. Very eye-opening for me.

Here's a nice overview of Attachment Theory for you:

www.verywellmind.com/what-is-attachment-theory-2795337

Read this, and think about your early years:

The central theme of attachment theory is that primary caregivers who are available and responsive to an infant's needs allow the child to develop a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world

You had none of that, OP. No wonder you find relationships difficult now!

How do I try to change? I try and live a balanced life, try and eat well, exercise, see friends and do parenting best as I can

I try and rationalise my feelings, be kind to myself and try and talk kindly to myself. I did for a while keep a diary and write positive things in it, about how I feel about myself, (I should re start this

OK. It sounds like you are following all the instructions right. The ones we all get. BUT. If there are instructions for how you should be making yourself feel better, that means there's rules. Doesn't it. Where there are 'shoulds' there are rules. Does that make sense?

Thank you for your recommendations.

I’ve read so much about attachment theory, I am sure that I do have a damaged attachment system, and I also know why. I don’t believe my mother was ever truly attached to me and I was passed around to live with several relatives till the age of four.

The part I don’t know, or don’t understand, is how to change this. Nothing I read ever seems to address this part. I think the way I act is beyond anxious attachment, it’s almost pathological. I don’t seem to do the ‘normal’ anxious behaviours because I’m so submissive I daren’t even rock the boat and risk demonstrating any negative feelings.

Saying it out loud makes me realise how bad this really is.

I think the shark cage analogy is really interesting, and I’m going to think about it more. I have thought in the past that there was ‘something’ about me that made men want to treat me badly, something that my friends don’t seem to have. I was sexually assaulted following having my drink spiked a year or so ago and I’ve wondered so much why the guy that did it chose me.

@Eckhart I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand and I really want to. Please can you try to explain?

Thank you

OK. The stuff we're told to do, like 'Eat plenty of fruit and veg', 'work hard', 'think nice things about yourself'... they're not about you are they. And they're not working for you. They're generic.

How to make you feel happy is something that you get to decide. So, they may say 'eat fruit', and 'dress smartly', but you might actually be much happier spending a long afternoon in your pyjamas with a MASSIVE Toblerone. It's YOUR responsibility to find your OWN set of rules on how your life goes. Saying nice things to yourself about yourself is no good, because you simply won't believe yourself. I've never understood this recommendation: if you tell somebody a thing they don't believe over and over again, it doesn't make them believe it. It has to be demonstrated to them. You have to show them.

So, when you say this

I daren’t even rock the boat and risk demonstrating any negative feelings

How do you deal with bad feelings yourself? I don't mean how do you deal with them in front of a partner, I mean, if you are alone, and you have negative feelings, how do you behave? What do think of the negative feelings? What do they do to you?

Thank you @Eckhart

No the self affirmations don’t work (for me), because they are so at odds with my core beliefs.

“It's YOUR responsibility to find your OWN set of rules on how your life goes.”

I like this and I need to understand this. I’ve realised that I’m not motivated by doing things for myself. I think I do the things that I think will make me better in some way. Like an endless self improvement project, with the end game of becoming worthy of being loved. Being more lovable. But then again I do know who I am, and I do know what I like, I do have good loving relationships with my friends and I don’t feel less than with them.

Negative feelings make me retreat inwards. Into my own head, I do cry, but I try and stay very still and very small and very calm, as much as I can, and just wait it out till the feelings go away. I do have friends who have seen my cry, I do open up, but I don’t like to burden people with my gloom when I’m feeling like that.

Negative feelings make me retreat inwards. Into my own head, I do cry, but I try and stay very still and very small and very calm, as much as I can, and just wait it out till the feelings go away

That's good. That's your way of looking after yourself. And it works, right? Telling yourself 'I'm happy, really!' wouldn't help, but you've found something that does.

The thing about not feeling anger... why do you feel you need anger? It can be a useful tool, but there's lots of other tools you can use.

The attachment style thing was a big one for me. I did just what you're doing

Like my attachment system when it’s ‘activated’ for want of a better word is insurmountable and It genuinely feels like drowning when It feels like it’s breaking down

I thought that I needed to change my response when my attachment style got triggered, so that I didn't turn into the 'me' I don't like. What I found out, via counselling, is that when your attachment style gets triggered, that's when you do the self care. Relationships that trigger your attachment style are not healthy for you, so as soon as that gets triggered, you leave. You never have to change anything about your 'attachment style responses'. You never have to even deal with them again. As soon as you get triggered, you leave the circumstances, and you go to your alone, very small very calm place, until the feelings die down, and then you don't spend time with that person any more. 'You trigger me, you're out.' That's all you need to do. It's much easier than trying to control the beast in you when it gets unleashed

Think about your close friends; you simply don't get triggered in healthy relationships; right?