Dirtbag

[AvieSo]

I met my now partner a number of years ago. Our relationship has been good. We don't live together because we didn't do that move yet. I'm surprised our relationship is still going because of the lockdown. He proposed about 2 years into our relationship and we are about 2 yesrs engaged. Almost overnight since the engagement, the sex life went to nothing. I think we had sex twice during 2019 after our engagement. That wasn't of my own making. I was up for it. He wasn't. Spring of 2020 came and out government locked us down and banned household visits and honestly I found it a relief because I enjoyed taking a book to bed instead of my partner. I got more enjoyment from books. We truddled along during lockdown. The man is a good person but I am falling out of love with him. I don't want to be like this but I am. I could nearly live without the lack of sex. There's a new issue. He's not looking after himself. We met for a Sunday walk together. His hygiene has gone down, down, down. I don't know if he showered this week. He could have put on some clean jeans and a clean top for me. He could have made some effort. To be honest I found his lack of effort insulting. I would never do that to him. He tried to get close to me today and I couldn't do it. I was repulsed by the dirt.

This is breaking my heart because we had some good yesrs together and he is a good man. My heart is not in this relationship any more.

Am I wrong to be turned off by this? He could have showered and put on some clean clothes today. I showered and put on some makeup.

How do I break up with him?

I name changed for this by the way.

He was always on the casual side with hygiene but he was never this bad, the way he met me today.

You don't owe him anything because he is a good person. I think once the physical intimacy stops, you can care about them, but unless the decision to stop the sex is mutual, you don't have a fulfilling relationship. Both of those things would be a deal breaker for me btw.

The sex dried up the minute there was a ring on my finger. It was an issue for me in the beginning but I got used to it and now it's not a problem for me.

The biggest issue for me is the hygiene or lack of. I know we are in lockdown with little places to go to. I know we didn't have much planned for today but I still enjoyed getting ready this morning for a walk in the springtime sun and a takeaway. He could have made some effort and I was horrified when he tried to make a move on me and get closer. I pulled away and made an excuse. I was repulsed. A shower and some clean clothes isn't much.

Just admit the good years are long, long gone. It's time to end this and move on.

Just tell him that lock down has made you realise you are happier on your own and do not want to be in a relationship right now. And return his ring and wish him all the best.

It sounds like he might be depressed (the hygiene and lack of interest in sex) - although equally he could be secretly addicted to porn and gaming all night. Either way it is not your problem to solve, only he can do that, and martyring yourself does neither him or you any good in the end.

I'd tell him. I mean he needs to only that poor hygiene isnt going to win fair maiden lol.

Just be honest and tell him it isnt working for you anymore, the spark has gone and its evident from his lack of interest in even showering before he sees you that he has checked out of the relationship too.

So you aren't exactly saying 'I'm dumping you cause you're a stinky bastard but you're making it clear that you've noticed and bringing his attention to it'.

Did you tell him why you pulled away?

Why would you continue a relationship where the sex has dried up and he repulses you?

How do I break up with him?
Just phone him and say you're done.

Sounds a bit grim, do you think he may have some mental health issues to ignore basic hygiene?

You don't live together, you can just say, "this relationship isn't what I want now."

I don't think he has mental health issues. He lost his job from covid lockdown but he got another job since then and then that closed in lockdown too. I think there is still a job there for him to go back too. He keeps busy every day. He helps his parents every day. He goes to the shops every day. He cooks dinner every day. I think a lot of it might be boredom in the evenings and night time. I still have a full time job so I don't have much free time to meet him during the week. I don't think he is depressed. He doesn't seem down or low.

Category12,
I never had a feeling of repulsion before until today.

Speaking from a man's point of view there is no excuse for poor hygeine let's be honest with lockdown people have nothing but time to self groom amongst other things etc.. but sounds like he just become lazy,!! Can't help you with the sex issue sorry... that could be anything,? just ask him directly if you choose to remain in rship,,

This describes my parents marriage which was long (50 plus years). They loved each other, and he was a good man, but his poor hygiene and separate bedrooms meant that they didn't have a normal marriage. I know that my mother felt lonely and unloved for many years but she never left him because she was scared to bring up a family alone. It got better for her in later life when sex and intimacy wasn't an issue. You have to ask yourself if you can do without much physical intimacy for many years.

I got used to the sexlessness and the lockdown was a blessing because I stopped taking him over. I could live without sex. Not great but I can manage.

The poor hygiene is a No No. I was horrified with him today. Clearly he hadn't washed in days. He hadn't shaved. He wasn't wearing clean clothes.

What are you even doing? What's going on with you that you're staying in a relationship, continuing an engagement with someone who there's no sex with, who repulses you, who you're glad you don't have to see?