Old friend trouble

[annoymous12]

Posted before but didn't have much response and still need advice.

5 years ago, I fell out with a close family friend. We were once as close as sisters, the same age, grew up together as our families were friends.

Whilst we were friends and in our early twenties (now in our late) she was going through a bad time so I invited her on a couple of nights out with another close friend of mine I had known since school. They probably only met about twice.

Then we fell out, it was a big fall out, we haven't spoken since and there has been little attempt on either side for 5 years to make up. Long story short, she treated me badly and I haven't or don't want to patch things up now. I'm happy to have gone our separate ways.

In the last few years, she has been trying to get close to my friend she met twice. She has been 'liking' and 'loving' and commenting on facebook posts (me and her not even facebook friends anymore but I see it) and I know she messages her. I find it uncomfortable, because firstly, she knows me and my friend have been close friends for years and still are, so why would she try to become close to her with all that has happened? I don't message her friends I met in the past? And secondly, I don't really like to think she knows all that happens in my life through my friend, not that I don't trust my friend.

I know I have no say in who my close friend speaks to of course, and I do think she is mostly being polite to my old friend. But sometimes I feel like I should distance myself away from the pair as it continues to bother me but then I remember, me and my close friend are still close and always were and I wouldn't want to lose her friendship over this.

I don't know how to deal with this and frankly I feel like I'm a teenager again. My close friend knows that me and my old friend are no longer friends and I would like for her to just delete old friend from facebook, but of course I can't request she do that. I just makes me uncomfortable not knowing just how friendly they are being.

You can't tell your friend who to be friends with but I can see why you are uncomfortable with it.

You just need to trust that your friend remains loyal to you and that she avoids any triangulation attempts from the person you have fallen out with.

I'd just say to your friend that as your ex friend is still friendly with her you'd appreciate not sharing any information whatsoever about you with her. Your friend might tell you that she's not even in contact with your exf. Or if she is in contact at least then she'll hopefully respect your wishes and not engage in conversation if exf tries to ask about you.

@Ruminating2020

You can't tell your friend who to be friends with but I can see why you are uncomfortable with it.

You just need to trust that your friend remains loyal to you and that she avoids any triangulation attempts from the person you have fallen out with.

Yeah this is my worry, that the old friend, for some bizarre reason, is trying some 'triangulation attempt' at taking my friendship from my close friend. Why she would want to do that I have no idea, but its clearly a lack of respect from the old friend of me.

That is quite difficult, actually, I feel for you. I agree with both posters who have responded. Ultimately you have to make sure your position is understood and let it go at that.

Look up the term 'relational aggression'. It's a type of bullying you usually see amongst girls in schools and is based around deliberately harming others' relationships. It's often referred to as 'Wendying' or 'being Wendied' on MN. This doesn't actually help the situation, but may help you to understand what is going on.

How much does the new friend know about your fall out with the old friend. If they have only met twice - assuming over 5 years ago - how are they SM friends? Is she recently added or just recently started posting?

Do you think that your old friend wants to make amends and is going this back door route because she is aware of your closed stance?

Or do you think she is up to mischief?

Your current friend can do as she wishes but you could gently say you are concerned and would appreciate not sharing info either way.

Is your close friend bothered about maintaining a link with your ex-friend? If not, I’d ask her to take her off her friends list. I’d happily do it.

They have been facebook friends since the few nights out they had together (with me of course, I invited Old friend) over 5 years ago.

I want to bring up the subject to my close friend, and find out whats going on, but I don't want to come across in anyway aggressive or like I have a massive problem with it. (I do, but I don't want to come across as petty). And I don't want to loose her friendship.

I feel like Old Friend has always considered my friend her friend just because I invited them out a few times together.

Interestingly, in the few times over the past few years my close friend has ever posted a photo with me in it, Old friend has never 'liked' these.

Also, just to add, when I have tried to confront my close friend about it before in a jokey manner, she seems to downplay it all and change the subject, very odd.

I think that you could be open and authentic to your friend and use the words in this post - that you don’t want to come across as petty or aggressive but you feel like a teenager - confused, exposed or under threat - you don’t want to put her in an awkward position etc.

It might be nothing - your new friend might be indifferent to your old friend - or you might find out that your old friend has been angling to get more involved etc.

Have a conversation pref face to face. Don’t do this by text. Know it’s going to be sensitive and prepare for it by deciding (writing down if necessary) what words phrases you will say and more importantly which ones you won’t.

I would ask yourself why it is getting to you now as she has been posting for years now ... has lockdown stressed you out - or even in lockdown lifting making you anxious?

If the old friend is a close family friend how have you / how will you navigate paths crossing in these circumstances. Do you feel able to be civil, indifferent and dignified if you meet at family event or are you concerned that you will be emotionally triggered?

I have a similar situation going on with a family member. I've fallen out with her and now she's texting my sister and my mum trying to be friendly when she's never bothered before!
Leave them to it, they'll see through her. Agree with what a previous poster said, explain to your friend you've fallen out and ask she doesn't share anything you speak about. Then do nothing.