Happy cheaters

[sunrainwindstorm]

A guy at work constantly pursuing me, for about 5 years now. During this time he has got married and had a child. I don't entertain it at all and actually asked him the question. I can kind of understand people in long term relationships that have issues, but you have actually chosen to get married during this time. His response love and lust are to different things. Can he be genuinely happy in his relationship that he claims. I'm not interested in him at all I'm just thinking about future relationships and it scares me. Thoughts ?

T*hink you're enjoying the attention.
*
This.

@bonfireheart

Why do you have him on social media? Think you're enjoying the attention.

I think so too and that's ok as long as both parties are happy and accept that it's literally just a bit of workplace flirting to brighten the day.

There's also a possibility this guy might be mortified to find the OP is taking him seriously.

The guy travels for work and asks me to go for a drink etc with. Not sure why he would want me to meet In hotels for nothing. Can't believe the amount of judgement on here. If I wanted him and the attention I would just say you people don't know me I don't need to hide it. I can handle myself and say no but I just wondered why guys who are happy do this. Won't post on here again.

@sunrainwindstorm

The guy travels for work and asks me to go for a drink etc with. Not sure why he would want me to meet In hotels for nothing. Can't believe the amount of judgement on here. If I wanted him and the attention I would just say you people don't know me I don't need to hide it. I can handle myself and say no but I just wondered why guys who are happy do this. Won't post on here again.

Between the ages of 28 and 35 I had a job that meant a lot of international travel and also many of my colleagues travelled a lot. I have gone out for dinner and drinks with male colleagues hundreds of times, sometimes we stay in the hotel bar / restaurant and sometimes we go out. They were sometimes married men, it has been perfectly innocent on both sides.

And sorry, but if you had been “constantly pursued” for five years and you didn’t like it, you would have put a stop to it. I think it is maybe you wanting a bit more..

@Aprilx are you sure it was innocent on your part are you sure you didn't like the attention of drinks with married men. That's how people are twisting this thread. If I wanted something with him I would have. Was just interested why he behaves this way.

Yeah I've come across this before OP - a man in work being open he desires me and would jump into bed with me given half the chance, no shame about it or pretending he is considering leaving his wife... I've told him firmly absolutely not, I wouldn't even consider it but like you have had the odd frank conversation where I've asked him how he can remain in a marriage where he openly pursues other women (not in relation to me just curiosity). He said he was happy in his marriage, he planned to stay married but he held different views on fidelity.

I haven't stayed in touch with him, I didn't fall out with him, I'm not interested in knowing what he's up to now. I guess the temptation to get an actual cheater's view when you have the rare opportunity to possibly get an honest one was immense.

I think it's wrong how people are accusing OP of enjoying it. It's not her fault he's doing this. She says she's given him no encouragement.

@Sillysandy exactly what you said. Thanks for not twisting my words like others have x

Maybe he has a Madonna/Whore complex thing going on?

I know a few men like this. The answer is the most common one, they want to have their cake and eat it. The risk of being found out isn't a deterrent.

can see his wife posts he is the best husband and dad to their son, so he is clearly treating her right in every other aspect

It's often the case that people are the last to know, but I do find it odd that people post stuff like "best wife" " best husband" and the like.

I post things on SM...usually photos of enjoying nice events and celebrations..... and sometimes DH is in them...sometimes it's a spa day or weekend with friends.

.but I cringe at things like "He's my king"... I have a couple of friends who do this... why do your friends need to know your DH is the best.

She sees the side of him that he presents to her. If someone can be married to a serial killer and not know...it's no surprise that a super flirt or cheater can get away with it.

Do you enjoy the attention? If not why haven't you asked him to cut it out in the last 5 years?

If I wanted something with him I would have. Was just interested why he behaves this way.

I don't think you want something with him...but that doesn't mean you don't like the attention either.

As for why he behaves this way...well because he can and you've not told him to stop. Changing the subject is deflection, but in his mind, you haven't outright said "I'm not interested in you that way, I don't have relationships with married men or I don't get involved with married men like that"

He may think you like him and could be open to something...even though he's married. He might be thinking if I keep on trying, one day she'll cave.

I know several OW have said they were pursued for ages until he ground them down when they were having a weak moment.

I have told him it's never going to happen he goes quite for a bit then does it again. All in a jokey flirty way but it's not. It's not effecting my life I just think he's a dick trying his luck I am sure I am not the only one. Just wondered why people do it

I think it's very simple. Sex.

I am pretty sure that once he has ground you down and slept with you, he will have won his challenge and move on to the next.

He thinks he is special.

He really isn't. He is the opposite.

His poor wife.

@moanieleminx oh for sure ii agree he would move on once challenge completed

Many people get bored having sex with one person long term.

The honest ones will accept that was a disadvantage of a long-term relationship (that they may see as offset by the advantages) or will suggest an open relationship.

The dishonest ones will do what he does - chance their arm for a bit on the side and lie about it/cover it up.

It doesn't mean they aren't committed to their partner/relationship.
As someone said - they just want to have their cake and eat it. They want their partner to stick to the rules, while they don't.

They justify it to themselves as not really mattering, or not really being wrong etc.

(Of course if would probably matter and be wrong if their partner did it to them).

I have come across people that have said they are happy. I don’t think it’s a clear cut as everyone who cheats must be automatically unhappy. I would much rather hear that than some half tale of “I’m going to leave when the kids get to 20”

I'm thinking if you were in a relationship you would have told him and that would be an easy way to knock him back.

So his assumption may be that you're single and his ego can't wrap his head around why you won't give it a go....even as his bit on the side.

Despite what you tell him he still thinks he's in with a chance ...... 5 years is a long time to this to carry on. He's hoping to grind you down and it shows a lack of respect for you. You've told him to stop and he starts up again. That's unwanted...he knows it is, but he doesn't take you seriously for whatever reason alongside thinking he's irresistible.

I'd be quite annoyed and insulted that a married colleague felt I would entertain this and continued, despite what I'd said.

He's an opportunist and a work affair can happen without time after work to arouse suspicion. It's low maintenance for him. Very sad and sleazy of him.

I know people like this OP, the ones who are constantly a bit too flirty who given the green light would more than likely take it further. They're in happy relationships, married with kids and would tell you there's nothing wrong with their life. I honestly put this down to boredom, wanting everything and just loving the attention!

One comes to mind and he's the nicest guy, really upstanding member of the community, great laugh would do anything for anyone, has a lovely family yet delve just a little deeper and he would be cheating in a flash given the opportunity!

The dishonest ones will do what he does - chance their arm for a bit on the side and lie about it/cover it up.

It doesn't mean they aren't committed to their partner/relationship

Dishonesty in a relationship is literally the definition of being uncommitted

@sunrainwindstorm

I have him on social media and can see his wife posts he is the best husband and dad to their son, so he is clearly treating her right in every other aspect, and he has made it clear it's only lust with me would never leave her. The audacity of that as well is another subject 🤣🤣. It's just sad you can live with someone and have no idea what they are capable of 😢

A friend FB feed is full of how great is my DH posts. Yet in a small private group we're both in, she posts the real situation including the times she's left and got sucked back in.

Posted too soon. Meant to add social media is often an idealised version of really and some times completely fake.

@Somethingkindaoooo

The dishonest ones will do what he does - chance their arm for a bit on the side and lie about it/cover it up.

It doesn't mean they aren't committed to their partner/relationship

Dishonesty in a relationship is literally the definition of being uncommitted

I knew someone would post something like that.

There is a difference between commitment and commitment worth having.

Many cheaters are actually v committed to their main relationship. They wouldn't leave voluntarily.

That is different to committment worth having obviously.

But the ops query was how and why he would act like this - and it's important for people esp women to understand that men like this are v often not the clichéd unhappy, uncommitted people their ow think they must be.