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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH wants to come back!

23 replies

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 11:18

DH and I have been married for 15 years, 2 DC age 10 and 13. He moved out in November 2020 and is asking to come back at the end of summer.

Background: I think we're not compatible in that he probably is autistic and quiet, but in the early days was good at masking and love-bombing me. Whirlwind romance. Tbh I was also susceptible as I was 39 and didn't want to miss the boat with regard to kids. I was lucky to have 2 DC in quick succession. After 3 years the relationship went downhill and we didn't have sex again after my youngest was born. He moved out of the bedroom due to my snoring, his restless legs, and his medical condition, which means he has to get up in the night to use the loo. He also had ED, which I overlooked, wrongly thinking that sex goes down anyway in a marriage, and he didn't want to seek medical attention for it. Tbh, he didn't think about my needs that much. Refused to pleasure me or touch my vulva, refused to seek medical help for ED, refused marriage counselling etc. then would behave like anything sexual was "rude" and he couldn't have "sex with the mother of his children" all a bit strange. So we've been living like flatmates for many years. He, meanwhile binge eats and is nice to the kids when they are nice, but can't help them with the difficult emotions, just shouts at them or ignores them. As I said, I think he is autistic.

Roll onto COVID lockdown and one of my DC who has special needs, high anxiety and lots of arguments between DC and DH, fights, police coming round 4 times in the past year, social services etc. All of the focus on DC, when actually, looking back DH was a big part of the problem. He couldn't meet my needs and couldn't meet DCs emotional needs either.

We decided to separate by mutual agreement last year (although I would say he checked out of the marriage years ago) and to be honest it felt like a relief because he would threaten to leave me when had arguments over the years.

Now he has been away for 3 months, he has visited at the weekends , helped with housework (he has always been good at housework, gardening, ironing etc.) and done some of the school runs, he wants to come back. I have kept my dignity by not blaming him or making him feel bad, the house is tidy, the kids are relaxed (well one of them is miserable that DH has left) but overall we are coping after the initial shock of him leaving.

He says he will change and is now talking about marriage counselling. Personally I think my DCs needs come first and they would be better off without him, but I feel sad that my family unit is broken and I feel sorry for him, should I bother?

OP posts:

Kelly345 · 28/02/2021 11:30

Why is he waiting til he comes back to get counselling? That's a red flag that he isn't willing to change off his own back surely?

Boonlark · 28/02/2021 11:32

So he wants to come back....but what about you? How would that meet your own needs?

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 11:33

@Kelly345

Why is he waiting til he comes back to get counselling? That's a red flag that he isn't willing to change off his own back surely?

No, I don't think he is waiting to have counselling first. I just think he will say anything I want to hear to get his foot back in the door....

OP posts:

onyourway · 28/02/2021 11:35

But what do you want?

Your marriage was sexless, arguments between your dc and dh, what benefit would you get from him coming back?

And why at the end of the summer?

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 11:36

@Boonlark

So he wants to come back....but what about you? How would that meet your own needs?

Well this is my point. If he hasn't met my needs in 15 years, what would change now? And I've been at the sharp end with COVID lockdown no.3 (with DCs not particularly good MH at the moment) and he's had a holiday in a rented flat! I just want to be reasonable.

OP posts:

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 11:41

@onyourway I like the name! I think you're right. Everything is pointing to me calling it a day. I have just been so sad inside and seeking fun and laughter outside of the marriage. This is why lockdowns have been so hard on a lot of marriages! The only benefit I get from the marriage is someone to feel secure with in the house, to deal with the tradesmen/builders etc., to do some of the housework (my kids are stills struggling to do chores and are way behind the curve because of additional needs|). And to have some adult company to watch TV with in the evenings. Is that enough?

OP posts:

Boonlark · 28/02/2021 11:48

[quote MackenCheese]@onyourway I like the name! I think you're right. Everything is pointing to me calling it a day. I have just been so sad inside and seeking fun and laughter outside of the marriage. This is why lockdowns have been so hard on a lot of marriages! The only benefit I get from the marriage is someone to feel secure with in the house, to deal with the tradesmen/builders etc., to do some of the housework (my kids are stills struggling to do chores and are way behind the curve because of additional needs|). And to have some adult company to watch TV with in the evenings. Is that enough?[/quote]

No, it isn't enough.

onyourway · 28/02/2021 12:26

No, that's really not enough. Lockdown will end, you will find joy in friendships, hobbies, work.

You will start feeling more secure in the house, presumably you've been happy enough there since he went? As for having evening company, maybe start mixing it up a bit, have a chat with a friend, read a book, as the days get longer, maybe have an early evening walk?

Those benefits really don't outweigh spending the next 20 years like this!

CodenameVillanelle · 28/02/2021 12:30

You'd be mad to consider it. This would only benefit him, and make your life and your kids lives worse.

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 12:31

I live alone.

someone to feel secure with in the house
Locking the doors helps me with this. I also have an old-fashioned chain :)

to deal with the tradesmen/builders etc.
I personally find this less stressful to deal with this alone than with a husband around making it more complicated.

to do some of the housework
They also make some of the housework, though. In my case it cancels out. Depends on how lazy they are, obviously.

have some adult company to watch TV with in the evenings
I guess that you really just mean "have some adult company", as watching TV is very much something you can do alone.
I have a boyfriend with whom I have proper adult company: conversations, sex, a laugh, supporting one another. We don't always get round to watching TV.

If you split, would this guy have the kids regularly?

RantyAnty · 28/02/2021 12:37

I don't think I would.
Has life been easier or harder without him being there?

You might see how you feel after lockdown is over and you're able to get out and have a more normal life.

How old is he?

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 12:46

@ravenmum thanks for the answers, I agree! I guess I'm not ready for a FWB situation with impressionable teen DCs around. My STBXH has a one bed flat, and furthermore is not willing to have my DS at his place because they don't get on well (at the moment).

Sometimes I wonder if I need counselling on my own and other times it is all crystal clear and I shouldn't let him come back...it's so obvious that HE is the one benefitting from us staying together and not me.

OP posts:

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 12:47

@RantyAnty

I don't think I would. Has life been easier or harder without him being there?

You might see how you feel after lockdown is over and you're able to get out and have a more normal life.

How old is he?

Late 50's, a couple of years older than me. So we're not spring chickens!

OP posts:

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 13:13

The boys are not going to be that age forever, and you will need a while to sort out your life anyway, before you do start looking for a new partner, if you want. That is something millions of children learn to live with, if it is introduced nicely.

If you have a FWB/boyfriend or just want to go out with friends, could their dad come to the house those nights? Will your living situations stay the same or will he get a more suitable-sized home for a parent?
He can't claim that you are able to have them both, but that he can't do it because he has chosen a flat suitable for a single person.

onyourway · 28/02/2021 13:14

Counselling on your own is an excellent idea. It does help clarify your thoughts, priorities, plans etc.

I went a few years ago when a family member was causing stress and I had 'lost my way through'. It really helped me identify the problem areas, get me back on track and stop feeling so addled. It didn't give me answers, but just helped me get grounded and focussed on what the issues really were ( which helped me feel a bit more in control).

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 13:15

I'd certainly recommend counselling, generally, when you have this kind of stress. Not necessarily to make a decision, just to feel better and process what's happening.

Jfsrhkkydcb · 28/02/2021 13:23

I just think he will say anything I want to hear to get his foot back in the door....

Yup. So you keep the door firmly closed.

one of my DC who has special needs, high anxiety and lots of arguments between DC and DH, fights, police coming round 4 times in the past year, social services etc. All of the focus on DC, when actually, looking back DH was a big part of the problem. He couldn't meet my needs and couldn't meet DCs emotional needs either.

If he finally wants to change so he can be the parent his children need then that is something he needs to do alone, in individual therapy, as a divorced man.

Bringing him back into the house to continue to cause harm is not in their best interests.

sophmum31 · 28/02/2021 16:11

Hi, my ex left in June and thought he was coming back after a 6 month sabbatical. I decided that the marriage doesn't give me anything anymore and we also have a very strained relationship between ex and DD14. I know deep down, as you do, that you deserve more from a marriage. I deserve to have my needs met instead of constantly striving to meet someone else's needs at the expense of my own.

Having said that, I am struggling massively! I'm sad for the life I thought I was getting, growing old as a family, family gatherings, kids weddings. Which will now always be awkward. My family support me massively but it's not the same as having a husband. And like you, someone to watch tv with, I eat dinner on my own most nights and it's quite boring. I think lockdown had stopped me creating the life I would have by now if we separated in normal times. But I do believe this will pass, as life returns to normal. Stay strong. You know you deserve more xx

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 17:52

Thanks for sharing, it's hard but I know it'll get better. I think I'm doing the right thing...

OP posts:

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/02/2021 18:07

My XH wanted to come back Macken. Not willing to work on the issues at all, just suited him, and was going to be more comfortable than the living arrangements he had. If you really believe the marriage has a chance (and it doesn't sound like it, sorry) then IMHO he needs to put the work in before he comes back. It seems you have picked up on this already. There is life after divorce, and soon we will be free, and you could build a new life, should you so wish.

DinosaurDiana · 28/02/2021 18:10

I’m assuming that you haven’t had the police and SS’s round while he’s been gone ?
If not, that’s your answer.

Original poster

MackenCheese · 28/02/2021 18:28

@DinosaurDiana I have my answer. The social worker has closed her case. Just the big back to school hurdle to navigate, given that ds became a school refuser with all the stress. Hopefully they will both go back smoothly and we can move forward. I really appreciate all the advice on here. Thanks.

OP posts:

Peace43 · 01/03/2021 07:10

My husband wanted to come back 2 years and 1 divorce after we first split up. No indication that anything would change... he just got fed up of looking after himself I think. I have a new house, new life, new boyfriend... the whole 9 yards so said no thank you. He has now quit his job (that was normal for our life together) and is quietly disintegrating. It’s sad and I feel sorry for him but SO relieved that it’s no longer my issue to try and fix.

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