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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice needed.. again

13 replies

bellalou1234 · 28/02/2021 11:08

A fee months ago I posted that I thought my dp of 13 years was cheating, seen a message on his phone on xmas morning, been very distant towards me. He denied it and woupdnt let me see his phone. He then said he hadnt been happy for a few years and wanted to see after lockdown. I had house valued and was about to proceed with it going on market.
He then said he had been depressed a while, work had been busy, stressed with lockdown ect. Hes now signed off work on antidepressants. Hes so distant towards me, doesn't show any form of love or affection.. looks at me like he hates me. I just wondered if it's the depression that makes him so cold and distance or if I'm adding to the depression. I feel I cant do anything with house at minute and I have no where to go to have some space.. any advice would be appreciated..

OP posts:

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 11:17

Perhaps his girlfriend dumped him? We certainly don't know any better than you.

What do you want? Do you like him? Do you want to stay with him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2021 11:17

It all sounds like the behaviour of a guilty man who has indeed cheated. Did his behaviour improve only after you had the house valued and before you put it on the market?. What is the situation re the property; do you jointly own it with him?.

How much of this is due to depression against how much of this is due to him being an arse?. What came first?. My guess is that he is an arse who has now cheated. Many abusive men too are depressed because they are angry, not because they are depressed.

Original poster

bellalou1234 · 28/02/2021 11:20

Yeah maybe he was always online on whatsapp when we were fighting.. and he always mentioned someone from work who's now pregnant and that coninsides with him going off sick. It's not his as hes had the snip..
Dont know I'd want to try and I do love him. But wish I had the balls to say fuck it I'm off.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 11:20

(Or maybe he is just pissed off because he can't meet up with her due to lockdown.)

Windmillwhirl · 28/02/2021 11:21

I agree he's guilty. I also think he is annoyed he has been rumbled and shocked at how proactive you were in the aftermath of the discovery of the messages.

Personally I could not tolerate a man that treated me that way. If he is depressed he needs to help himself. It's not your job to cheer him up and make his life better for him.

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 11:23

If you wait around, he might force your hand for you by going off with her after lockdown. The decision would then be simpler. But the process can be quite drawn-out, as many men like to have the affair for quite a while, to see if the new relationship is strong enough before they end the old one. And their behaviour in the meantime is psychologically unpleasant. Do you want to wait?

JustAnotherOldMan · 28/02/2021 11:31

You can check out the symptoms of male depression here, changes in relationships are common

www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/men-and-depression/index.shtml

Thingsdogetbetter · 28/02/2021 11:53

Wow. There's a lot of 2 + 2 = 5 on this thread. As sensible pp points out withdrawing from a relationship is common with depression, particularly in men.

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 12:04

I pointed out that all we can do is guess.Deciding that he's definitely JUST depressed is no more reasonable than giving advice on how things might happen if he does turn out to be having an affair..

Withdrawing from a relationship and even feeling depressed are extremely typical during an affair, OP says he got a message from a woman on Christmas Day, and he's started saying that he's been unhappy for years, which is evidently new. All typical symptoms of an affair.

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 12:06

Whether he's depressed or having an affair, he's told OP that he's just waiting to see if he is going to leave her after lockdown. OP does not have to wait if she doesn't want to. She too gets to decide whether she wants to be with him. And that includes deciding how long she can deal with being with someone who looks at her as if he hates her.

Original poster

bellalou1234 · 28/02/2021 14:52

It's so hard. I really dont knownwhats going on. I'm just going to look after myself get a but money behind me and sort my finances ect out.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 28/02/2021 15:21

Read up on both possibilities - depression in a partner and the Script - so that you'll be able to understand what is going on better and not feel as if everything is your fault.
Living with someone who gives you the "dead eyes" look is horrible.

FlatChestAthlete · 28/02/2021 21:32

@Thingsdogetbetter is right about people jumping to conclusions on here. If the depression came first, his apathy and withdrawing from the relationship are common, especially in men. Therefore, give the ADs a chance to kick in, so the best version of him is back and take it from there. It's a lot to throw away due to undiagnosed and appreciated depression. Speaking from similar experience here. Good luck

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