Help me out here please..SIL my heart aches for DD

[tapemein]

I won't go into much detail as SIL knows I'm on here but I really need others help with coping with SIL's relationship with me. For reference, SIL is DH's brother's long term girlfriend. I've always had a gut feeling she didn't like me as much as she pretended to in front of other people though I can't explain why I've always felt this way. SIL gave birth to her second born in august which happened to be 2 weeks before my DD's 2nd birthday. She banned her first born from coming to DD's little party get together with her cousins, her excuse being 'Covid' when they have a newborn at home which was fair enough. Until I found out a few days later that ever since she gave birth, they have had friends and family coming in and out of their home to welcome the newborn. We were never invited..(we still haven't met the baby). DD never even got a birthday present or a card from BIL and SIL. She then decided to start some drama where she told MIL that we've not bothered to come and see their newborn and we've been ignoring them re texts about DD's birthday card. When this got to us, DH got in touch with BIL to see what that is all about it and what texts she means because we never got any to which BIL said there was no texts, it must have been a misunderstanding and they will leave DD's birthday card at MIL's. This was in August. Asked MIL a couple weeks back, she said they never left or mentioned anything. They've seen her plenty since then. Fast forward to yesterday, it was our niece's birthday and I've just found out they had a zoom party with all the family and cousins, except DD who was never invited. My heart aches for DD. I know she's only 2 but she hasn't done anything wrong and they seem to be singling her out and even though DD never even got a card from them, we still dropped a card with some money round to MIL's for her to take to DN when she sees her on her birthday. She said she gave it to them yesterday. Should I just stop trying? Should I put a stop to all birthday/Christmas presents and party invites? I know MIL will have a problem with this and will try to lecture me and make me look like the bad guy again for deliberately leaving DN out. She always has double standards when it comes to us.

Sounds like everything is done via mother in law as an intermediary instead of you going round and dropping things off on their doorstep. That’s one issue to begin with. Sounds like SIL is angry you’ve not being cooing about the new baby, asking for pictures, giving her a big fat wad of cash or a present. She’s an attention seeker and you seem less sociable/introverted. What you need is an extrovert coach to help you deal with things when they arise

What has your DH said about his family's behaviour?. He is key here. What too was it like for him growing up in that house?. He may well have been the scapegoat here and if he was you and in turn your child become scapegoated too as a result.

If your side of the family are emotionally healthy unlike your DH's then I would concentrate my efforts on them. Stop trying for the likes of your SIL, BIL or MIL; they are all as bad as one another. You are seeking approval from people who will never give you this. With you people out of the frame hopefully they will then turn on each other.

Your BIL sounds slightly more grounded.

Can DH not just have it out with him and find out what the problem is?

Why was it SIL responsibility to get your DDs birthday organised when she had just given birth? Surely your DHs brother should have stepped up?

How far away do they live - how reliable is MIL? Could she be stirring things up?

How does your DH get on with his brother? It sounds as though this could be the weak link.

There is no need to be heartbroken for your DD, she will never know if you don’t influence her feelings.

Simply for you, DD is young enough to never have anything to do with them and feel left out.

I think it's best that your DH and BIL deal with family interactions between them. I'm not sure what your SILS agenda is or if there has indeed been a misunderstanding with your MIL.

Your DD at 2 years old hasn't missed out on anything.

Yes stop trying!!!!

Protect yourself and more importantly your child from these horrible toxic people.

Your daughter will have plenty of friends from nursery, school, play groups etc in years to come, you don’t need to ensure she is part of the family clique. By trying to force it you are opening her up to seeing that she isn’t wanted.

So remove yourself and remove your daughter, concentrate on making friends for her outside of family (obvs covid makes this harder but that won’t be forever).

Leave your partner to deal with his family and honestly if his mother starts piping up how you should / shouldn’t act towards a woman who has purposely frozen you out then tell her firstly to wind her neck in and then block her.

Why are you letting people who have nothing to do with your life dictate how you feel? Why would you let this get to you so much? Your two year old daughter would not know they had a zoom party...protect her from it all and detach, detach, detach!

This sounds like a ridiculous level of drama over absolutely nothing. It sounds like one of those arguments where everyone is convinced that the other person is angry and starting a fight with them.

You need to breath, your child is fine and doesn’t even know about this. All this going through MIL and making comments to her is ridiculous. Things like cards and presents are not a big deal.

It sounds like you are both being very sensitive and a bit drama Queen. When MIL said you were ignoring them, instead of demanding of your brother what texts they were talking about, why not use that as an opportunity to say hi and suggest catching up? De-escalation!

Why not just text your brother now and say it would be nice to catch up and you’d love to meet the baby? Stop gossiping with your MIL. Stop engaging in elaborate mind games.

I agree that this sounds like a lot of heightened emotions. Heartbroken is an over reaction in reference to a two year old who doesn’t know or care.
Step way back, let dh deal with his side.

”...they have had friends and family coming in and out of their home to welcome the newborn. We were never invited..(we still haven't met the baby)......She then decided to start some drama where she told MIL that we've not bothered to come and see their newborn...”

But you haven’t - so it’s not drama - it’s fact.

Why didn’t you go to see her new baby and why haven’t you been in the 7 months since? Are you still sat at home waiting to be invited?

Yes, stop trying. Leave it to your dh to sort his relationship with his brother and family. Stop using MiL as an intermediary (and if she tries to act as one tell her to speak to your dh about it). And dont worry about your dd - if she's never had a close relationship with these people she wont miss it. It's not your problem and it need not be hers.

When their baby was born, did you give them a few days then message them and ask them to let you know when they would be ready for visitors, or did you just wait to be asked?

Ignore the Twats... She and your MIL sound like a pair of dicks...

Step away from the drama and let them carry on.. 🌺

@BlueThistles what on earth has the mother in law done wrong here?

I think from their pov you didn't show any interest in their new baby which is a much bigger deal than a birthday. Now you're huffing over them forgetting a birthday when the birthday girl won't have been aware and they had a newborn.

Leave dh to sort out his family.

MIL: DN didn't get a card from you, did you forget?
You: I don't know, you would have to ask Mr tapemein, he sorts out your family.

MIL: When are you going to visit BIL?
You: I don't know, you would have to ask Mr tapemein, he sorts out your family.

MIL: I didn't get flowers for mother's day. When are they coming?
You: I don't know, you would have to ask Mr tapemein, he sorts out your family.

Just rinse and repeat.

Your MIL does not have to be intermediary to any relationship so leave her out of it.

Do your DH and his brother generally have a good relationship? Is he a good uncle to their other child? The primary relationship should be between him and his brother and their children.

You don't need to feel sorry for your dd. It's nice when cousins have a close relationship, but I am sure she has other friendships and family relationships apart from through your SIL so don't place so much emotion into this.

Of course you (and your dh) should still buy your nieces/nephews cards and gifts. You don't give to receive.

Get on the phone OP ring SIL ask her what is going on. There is a lot of upset here that seems to need sorting,If she wont talk to you then you tried and you can do no more but you will feel better in yourself if you make the first move,Sounds to me though she is a bit of a dick so I wouldnt get your hopes up on any sense from her. Then after you have tried if it doesnt work you will know just to fuck em off and leave em to it,

Seriously! Your heart aches for your DD because she doesn’t have a relationship with your DH’s dick head brother and his wife.

You appear to not know the difference between the people you wish they were and the people they actually are.

Be glad that these pricks don’t want contact.