Stonewalling

[Firstimer703]

I've realised over the last year that my husband demonstrates manipulative behaviours. He is often passive aggressive, he will walk away from a discussion or he'll refuse to have a discussion if it's an issue that I want to raise but expects me to listen if he has a problem. He will rarely accept any responsibility for conflict so whilst I will apologise for my part, he won't accept he had any role to play. He bullies the dog and tonight told our 2 year old that he is disgusting because he had a pooh accident (he had his 'bedtime' pants on anyway!). Not sure what to do really. If he doesn't see the problem, or doesn't care, then what can I do about it? He'll say it's me because I'm distant. I have a senior role so I can be stressed. I'm a bit of a dreamer anyway so I can be in my own world sometimes. He doesn't want to hear about any challenges I'm having at work and yet he'll say he always has to listen to me talk about work. The other night, I had a van from work and needed to transport some bikes so wanted his advice because I didn't know how to secure them. He didn't want to help because he was tired and it's not his problem. I want to be married and happy to put the work in he doesn't see that he needs to as well.

I have no real advice as such but couldnt read this and not leave a message of support. This sounds very stressful. In what way does he "bully" the dog? This is really sad to hear. Even worse is humiliating a 2 year old. How hurtful to his confidence. Sounds like its time for a frank discussion over acceptable ways to behave towards you all, and if he does not choose to seek help to change his ways, you need to decide what you feel is right to ensure your child is growing up in the best environment. I say this as someone who is currently in fairly similar situation and have had frank chats over ending the marriage if he does not choose to behave more respectfully towards our children...heres hoping we can effect change, and hope you can too!

No advice but I understand how you feel. I think at some point you have to draw a line for your own sake and your own well being.

Martial problems is one thing, but directing that anger towards children and animals is another. Completely unacceptable!

If he's being abusive to your innocent child and dog than you make plans and leave the bastard

Why do you want to put the work in/be married to someone that bullies toddlers and animals. FFS see the light!

He wont change. He can act how he likes because there are no repurcussions. Your have to protect your DC (and dog) even if you can't do it for yourself. You've tried talking, he's not interested.
Time to get your ducks in a row .........

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You are with a man who bullies both your child and your dog; such cruel and abusive men do not change. He does this because he can and this works for him. And you state you do not know what to do?. Talking to such a man further will have no effect either. What this man wants to do here is exert his power and control over you all.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

You cannot carry this relationship on your own, it takes two to do that and your H is not interested. Time indeed to get your ducks in a row here in making plans to separate from him.

Thanks for the replies folks, it's good to know I'm not on my own. I've told him straight today and we're going to get some support to try and improve our communication. I told him the way he spoke to DS was unacceptable and he is never to do that again and I know that went in. DS had no accidents today so whilst I don't approve and won't let it happen again, maybe it did help a little!

And what about the poor dog?

It is never helpful to call a child disgusting. Your little boy will continue to have accidents for a while yet and this kind of treatment will hurt his self-esteem.

What sort of man bullies children and dogs?

You've picked a nasty little shit of a man, there.

Please don’t think it ‘helped’ - it didn’t - it’s probably, and hopefully, a coincidence and not a result of your partner’s disturbing reaction to your son. your thinking is worryingly skewed here, it shouldn’t even cross your mind that there’s a positive result - you’re more likely to accept it next time even if you’re saying you won’t, at the least this will make you struggle to insist to your partner how abhorrent he was, when you’re agreeing, or even half accepting his ways might have worked. Bullying animals is a sure fire predictor that folk will bully children, vulnerable people etc so - so that won’t change with a bit of work on communication between the 2 of you. I mean really your communication should be the last thing on your ‘let’s improve things’ list - the top one should be protecting your child and the dog. And I can guarantee that any improvement in ‘communication’ in his eyes would be you doing it how he wants - carry on and you’ll be as cowed as the dog and pretty soon your child. You must look at this clearly right now - I think you’re already in a poor place after years with him, just he rattled you a bit calling your son ‘disgusting’ - sounds like you’re going straight back down the path of least resistance- I understand how this happens but you should grasp that anger you felt when he said it and hold on to it - and get support for yourself to understand why you are with this guy and how to have better boundaries for yourself and your son.

What you're doing is minimising his bullying behaviour and glossing over it by talking about communication styles - it's not poor communication with you that leads him to bully a dog and a child. You need to be protecting both of them.

maybe it did help a little

If frightening a child/crushing their self esteem is 'helpful', then yes.

Are you seriously buying into the way he spoke to your son?

Bullying dogs and toddlers is just awful

LTB is your only option taking your pet and child with you - putting up with this and masking this problem is equally as wrong as what he is doing