I don't believe that I am clinically depressed, but probably as a result of my situation, but I'm struggling to find a way out.
I aren't really looking for advice on what to do, because I already know that and I'm working towards separation from him. Covid-19 has really caused a massive headache for me in terms of finances and work prospects. I have an autoimmune condition meaning I have had to shield throughout mostly, which has hugely impacted my work and earning capability. I know I just have to wait a little longer before I can stand on my own two feet and leave this situation, but it's getting me down hugely. This is going to be a really long post, but I just need space to talk... to someone, anyone really who doesn't know me or my family.
People think DH is this lovely, easy-going chap. Older women who know him always tell me that they had wished they'd married someone just like him. When I met him he was kind and generous, caring and romantic.
He's not like that anymore. He is awful to live with and I'd like to explain all the reasons why I'm struggling.
He is so oppositional, if I say I like something he'll come up with a reason why it's ugly, if I say I've tried a new recipe I think he'll like, he will say "oh it's lovely, but...." and list the reaons it's not. He's passive aggressive I believe and will sulk and walk around with a face like thunder saying there is nothing wrong for days when there obviously is.
He can't plan ahead at all. I try to sit and make decisions around future holidays, finances, birthday parties and he'll just shrug his shoulders and play on his phone. Yet if I'm assertive enough to make a decision without him, he complains, finds fault and gives me the black cloud treatment for days.
If I'm doing something that might inconvenience him, I'll ask him for permission and say to him to tell me if he'd rather I didn't do it and he always, always says it's ok. I don't think he wants to say no to things sometimes, but will then throw it in my face that I have inconvenienced him in some way in the future when we have an argument.
He's so pedantic about everything and he'll completely derail a point I'm making about something and nitpick at the insignificant details which makes me lose track of my argument and doubt myself. I then get angry and shouty and feel like a lunatic whilst he stands there all calm and logical saying "you're mental."
He takes no pride in himself at all and still, at 42, wears hand me downs from his older brother, along with ripped trousers and he smells. The smell is caused by a medical condition he has which requires the use of creams and regular washing 2-3 times a day, but he only washes once and forgets to use his creams, allowing himself to smell. I confronted him about this and he said it was fine as he "only smells at the end of the day." He's also extremely overweight since he started binge eating in the evenings a couple of years ago. It's become a habit, like a lot of things in his life.
Other habits are constantly clicking his fingers when watching TV, foot jiggling and picking skin off his feet. He also shouts from room to room, bangs around everywhere he goes and slams doors and cupboards. I find the constant noise exhausting.
He is tight with money and yet reckless at the same time. He refuses to budget at all and will buy something he wants even if he can't afford it. And yet, our garden is a state and a great proportion of it taken up by a gigantic shed that we inherited when we bought the house. It is taking up so much room that we don't even have a patio area to sit at, but he refuses to get rid of it and buy a smaller one "because it was free." There are so many things I'd like to do with the garden and he refuses to get rid of this massive bloody shed.
We moved into this house 5.5 years ago and for the last 2 years, I've hated it, due to not being able to afford the work it requires to the rear of the house. I haven't wanted to tell him, because I know he'll sulk because he hates change and tell me all the reaons I'm wrong to want to move to a smaller, affordable house which doesn't have a great shed clogging up the garden. Not only this, but getting him to part with any old furniture or fixtures that we no longer need is a huge hassle as he hoards them in this massive shed which is now full of old rubbish that we don't need. He makes life feel stuck. There is no moving forward.
When we take the children out, he's like a zombie- daydreams and dawdles around like a young child himself, not proactively parenting at all. He's dangerous when crossing roads with DCs I believe. All responsibility falls to me. He even "forgets" sometimes that they're intolerant to egg and will almost give them a wrong food if I'm not around.
He won't have anyone in to do DIY and takes it all on himself which takes forever and he makes such a mess whilst leaving me to do all the childcare, housework etc. The bathroom is still only 3/4 finished 5 years later and the wall in the front garden has been half knocked down since last Spring as he never finished the job.
He gave up on our relationship long ago and I kept asking him to make more effort, scheduled date nights etc, but he just wouldn't try. I told him we would fall apart if he didn't try but he allowed it to happen anyway. He's been spoilt by his parents in my opinion who have done too much for him going into adulthood and had a lot done for him, so I think he hasn't realised that for his own family to work- he has to work on it himself. To the outside world though he's the ideal family man. His friend's wife has made comments about me forcing him to "do all this DIY" in the past. People haven't got a clue. But because I'm the fiesty, outgoing one on the surface, they all think that he's the one "putting up" with me.
He doesn't smile much at all, everything is deadpan, yet he has a group of friends that he's known since childhood who all look out for him. He's like the needy helpless one to the outside world who his friends want to help. Infact everyone wants to help him. Even the older ladies in his office at work do stuff for him and "mummy" him.
He's really selfish and will plot in all the "away days" for himself on the family calender during the summer when he motorbikes, but has no interest in planning in family days. That's all left to me.
We have been sleeping in separate rooms for almost 3 years and for him, it's become the norm. He seems to like the rut that we're in because he can stay up until the early hours playing online games without disturbing me. I think it suits him. He's never needed much sex, he's become more and more insular as he's got older.
He has never seemed to need me at all emotionally, but accepts that I'm here to provide childcare and housework and subconsciously expects it. He shows no vulnerability at all, doesn't like being massaged or stroked or really value intimacy at all.
In the Summer, he will spend his weekends on his motorbike assuming that I'll provide all the childcare and family stuff.
I can't remember the last time I had a heart to heart with him, he never talks about what he wants for the children, the kind of parent he wants to be and just lives day by day, floating from one day to the next, taking no responsibility for the cogs of family life, but becoming resistant to any change or new ideas.
I'm such a loving person in the right environment. I live for my kids and giving them the good childhood that I never had. I feel like I'm losing myself more and more each day. I used to be so full of life. I've even started to feel anxious that this setup will kill me long before I manage to get away from my partner (if that's what to call him, I don't even know what to refer to him as anymore, I certainly don't feel like I have a husband.) It's odd too that although he makes no effort and appears to not want to be with me, he's possessive with me at the same time. He will follow me around the house, check up on what I'm doing, he's even been on MN in the past to see if I've written anything about him. I feel completely smothered. I've developed a temper around him when he's being awkward or oppositional, I try walking away from him, but there's so much I want him to realise.
My parents are useless alcoholics who won't help me get out of this situation and I think DH is so complacent because he knows I'm trapped. If my parents were half decent people, I'd have left with DCs years ago and stayed with them until I was on my feet. DH could leave to go to his parents any time.
My situation isn't awful. But it's becoming intolerable. In a few months time, I'll probably need to apply for a new, more reliable job but my confidence and self worth is at rock bottom. I am a horrible person. Sometimes, I can't help but tell DH how much I hate him. He's always so self assured that I'm crazy, and rarely takes the time to listen properly to what I have to say. I know that this marriage was long over as soon as he started doing that, which was shortly after we married if I'm honest with myself. I often think that if my parents had modelled a loving relationship towards me, DH might have done the same. He would have followed suit. But I think as my parents have never shown me that much love and loyalty, DH hasn't felt he's had to. I hate the example that is being set for our children.
I spent my whole childhood wishing my way out of my parents chaotic, alcohol filled house and feel I've let myself down. I got out and trapped myself again in this miserable situation.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel for me and I have a plan and I've spoken to a solicitor and I speak to my counsellor regularly but some days, maybe weeks, I could quite easily resign myself to my bed, hide under the duvet and give up for a few days.
Maybe that's what I need?