Separating from abusive (?) DH with an under 2 - please hold my hand

[lapaverde]

Hi all, I am really grateful for the advice I've received on this board and I'm hoping someone can hold my hand tonight. I have started a trial separation from my husband due to verbal and emotional abuse. We have a 1.5 year old DD. He is insisting on 50/50 custody - I am talking to a solicitor next week, but right now that's the situation. He just picked her up, I won't see her for three days, and it's the worst feeling in the entire world. She definitely prefers me (natural at this age) and I feel terrible that she'll wake up for the first time in her life tomorrow without me there.

Even if I have majority custody, splitting up means I will be without her sometimes. I keep thinking, maybe it is my fault, and if I tried harder to be nice to DH, have more sex, etc. this wouldn't have to happen. But the rational side of my brain knows I am protecting her. DH was yelling at me in front of her all the time and got super angry unpredictably and almost daily.

She is so little, maybe I could hold out another year? I just feel terrible. Thank you for advice or hand holding.

Yes you are doing the right thing. There is no way continuing in this relationship was going to be in any way good for your child. I suspect he will quickly lose interest in having 50/50 responsibility anyway.

I would consider calling Women’s Aid during the next three days as well as gathering financial paperwork. They can and will also help you here.

I would urge you to start the process of divorce ASAP rather than wait another year. Another year of being with this man just gives him another year of opportunity to abuse you and in turn your DD. You cannot fully protect your child from her dad abusing you and in turn she while you are all under the same roof.

He is not going to make any aspect of you separating from him at all easy and he will continue to be difficult and nasty to you post separation and divorce. Do not undertake any form of mediation or joint counselling with him.

@attilathemeerkat. That's a bit harsh re no joint mediation / counselling even abusive men can change, there is no physical abuse noted,!! There should be mediation as both party's can meet somewhere in the middle, and if for some reason he did show his true colours at mediation it will be seen n noted by mediators and the poster can satisfy herself she tried,!!

Joint counselling with an abusive man is dangerous.

Many of the women murdered when trying to leave abusive partners had not experienced any physical violence until the moment they were murdered.

Reputable perpetrator programmes only work with abusers once they are out of the relationship, because they have to be changing for themselves not as a way to keep control of someone else.

Cant offer much advice but can give a hand hold!

No, you don't need to stick it out another year, the older your daughter is, the more she will remember.
My children are quite a lot older but they remember the arguing and shouting. In the frw weeks before I left, our 4 year old would run into tb room whenever we started arguing and shout at us to stop! It was awful.

Also, I wouldn't be surprised if he backs off from 50/50 custody. Back in November my ex wanted every weekend. Then he wanted 50/50. Then he wanted a midweek and weekends. Etc etc.
Do you know how often he sees them now? Every. Other. Weekend. Friday 5pm - Sunday 5pm. 48 hours out of 14 days. His choice.

Stay strong op x

I'd echo that mediation is not recommended with abusers. I didn't listen, tried shuttle and it was awful. Just ended up him threatening me constantly if I didn't do as I was told and I was so conditioned it took a lot to resist.

Also I'm in the same boat. Mine threatened full custody, then 50/50, and has never done more than every other weekend plus extra at holidays. And he regularly cancels holidays at the least...

Seems like a pattern with narcissists/abusers.
When they begin to lose control over you, after you make the decision to leave, they threaten 50/50 custody. Because they know you won't want that!! They know it will scare you!

@DogGoneCrazyNow how long have you been separated?
I feel like my ex might stop bothering at some point

I have to say some of these comments in favour of non mediation are quite negative,!! Speaking from a man's point of view, some women have form for pulling the shutters down,!! And then you get women who say there partner (s) are poor communicators,!!! Communication is key in everything in ref to PP I hope she finds a resolution

@Ardvark111 and some men have form for being abusive and it's standard, accepted advice not to undertake mediation or joint counselling with an abuser.

@eekay. I wont disagree with you on your 1st few paragraphs, however there is a very young child involved here, and somebody has to broker a truce / agreements if PP and her ex can't / won't,?

I hope Op finds a resolution too- without wasting time trying to negotiate with a verbally abusive arsehole.
@lapaverde your only option for bringing up your Dd away from witnessing this abuse daily was to leave. Well done on leaving.

Good job for leaving.

I strongly suggest that if he insists on 50/50 then agree he has weekdays so that you can work. Don't enter into conversation over days. Just say, I'll be working Monday to Friday, so choose any 3 days in there plus every other weekend.
Draw a hard line on this. Either he wants to be a full-time parent sharing 50/50 with all the disruption that brings, or he doesn't. Why should your finances and career take a hit?

Thanks everyone. I see a solicitor Tuesday so that should help me set boundaries. It is encouraging to hear that a lot of men back off the 50/50 split of time goes by. I have no problem with that arrangement if it's genuinely best for DD. But in my reading so far, it seems like split custody only works for the child when both parents are amicable. And that is not a word that describes my husband right now!

lapaverde

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control. Indeed 50/50 works better when both parties are amicable. OPs H may well only want 50/50 as a way further of punishing his wife for having the gall in his eyes to leave him. I can further imagine him being obstructive and difficult going forward as well, these men do not let go of their chosen target that easily.

Just don't make the 50/50 split easy for him. Insist (get your solicitor to do this) that he has her on days you know are inconvenient for him. If he likes watching sport, make sure he has her on a Saturday. If he works Mon-Fri make sure he has her 2-3 of those days.
Your reason if asked is that you are in training/higher education and have work lined up.
Be as firm as a rock on that. If any paid childcare is required on his days, make sure he's paying it.

Start as you mean to go on with this. No more 'easy' times and days for him from now on.

@pog100

Yes you are doing the right thing. There is no way continuing in this relationship was going to be in any way good for your child. I suspect he will quickly lose interest in having 50/50 responsibility anyway.

We really need to stop telling women that men lose interest in 50/50 some and I would say a great deal really don’t. No matter about times gone by more men want their kids more often. You only have to see family court how many especially abusive men try and get either full Custody or 50/50. It doesn’t always work but sometimes just sometimes these abusive types are particularly manipulative and will fool many people.

Yes it’s best to leave and I’m sorry you going through it. I still feel like that during contact but it’s a little easier but still difficult due to ex.