How to rebuild trust

[Tropicalparadise75]

In the early days of dating my dh lied about being in contact with his ex and showed me messages, one of which said he was thinking about her (watching a programme about her line of work). I had asked him months before if he was in contact with ex and he said no. I was in contact with my ex and told him and was open about meet ups etc (as friends) There was no obvious flirting on his text but I was pregnant by this time and it spun me into turmoil. In unpregnant circumstances I have zero tolerance for lies etc and would have left. I felt trapped. I decided to carry on anyway because I loved him and wanted a family for our child. He’s a good looking guy and often when we go out or he’s out alone - I’ll see girls flirting with him and one time his mate told me a girl was asking after him ( apparently they hadn’t spoken and she’d seen him from afar) I’ve always felt when he gets drunk my trust is under the most pressure and it’s got to the point where I’m nervous when he goes out drinking heavily.
However, this is three years later - I find myself questioning when he goes out and gets dressed up and makes an effort to shave etc to go somewhere like the park with our ds. I’m starting to feel like I’m becoming controlling and obsessed.
He’s a great husband aside from this, he couldn’t put us first more if he tried. He would do anything for us.
We did have counselling but unbelievably the counsellor started hitting on him ! It was the weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve got my own mental health challenges due to other reasons and I’m just tired of feeling like this.
My past boyfriends have had female best friends, flat shared with women etc and I’ve had no issues because they never (as far I knew) lied to me.
I do want to just wipe the trust issue out because we have a wonderful family when I don’t get triggered by it

I doubt the counsellor hit on him so would suggest your mind is playing tricks on you. Not a pleasant feeling though. Maybe you suffer from anxiety and/or low self esteem?

I am sorry you are having these terrible anxious thoughts. He sounds like a nice guy even though he didn't tell you about contact with an ex. You are both in contact with exes, his text was innocuous and he showed you straight away. You said you had other MH issues going on for yourself and maybe need some time to really work with your therapist with anxiety issues. I too doubt very much your other therapist was hitting on your husband. That sounds like your anxiety was playing terrible tricks on you and you were picking up signals that weren't there as you were so strung up on women hitting on him all the time. Talk to your therapist again about your obsessive thoughts and maybe the GP to get diagnosed and medicated to help you through the worst bit if that is the road you want to go down. Anxiety is a really difficult thing to deal with as have dealt with it myself and I thought I was going crazy for half the time until I got help x

Thanks both for your replies. I do think I have low self esteem mostly based on some trauma over the last couple of years I’m dealing with. Definitely agree anxiety is not the greatest but I’ve always had it and not been like this with any of my previous boyfriends (except one I saw cheat on a girlfriend before me) I think if I see deception i find it hard to trust afterwards . It inflames my anxiety.
In terms of the counsellor - she said I was lucky to have someone so good looking on my arm ( not what I needed to hear!) she also kept asking lots about our sex life which was nothing to do with the issues . Even my dh laughed after and said what was that all about.
He was texting His ex for a few months. I found out as we were looking at something on his phone messages and I said who’s that and he went into them. Then it all came out.

That's the trouble, once the trust has gone, how can you get it back as it seems to be forever in your head, chipping away.
I've recently finished with my DP over this. Similar - caught him messaging an ex - over a period of about 1 mth. He's apologised, said he'd do anything to repair us and explained why. It hasn't helped. I don't know if we'll get back together, it's still a bit too raw for me. I'd like to think 'time is a healer'.

I think after 3 yrs and counselling, if there's been no other reasons not to trust him, I think you need to decide if you can continue like this.

@NotAgainNoMore what was yours texting? I’m sorry you’re in this position too
I’ve hung on because in every other way he’s a fantastic husband and father but I don’t like being this person. Who wants to be anxious every time their partner goes out /holiday/is on their phone.
I see women on here get through far worse , full blown affairs and similar. I want to be able to forget and move forward , just finding it impossible! Yes, I agree you can’t just go on forever like this though.
Do you think you’ll get back together? X

@Tropicalparadise75 - the messages were along the lines of that we had issues, he wasn't with me anymore and he missed their chats. He claims that they got on well but there was nothing romantic. He didn't have anyone else to talk about his/our problems.
Some of it rings true but other bits don't add up. I got him to collect his stuff a few days ago and we had a chat. I found it really hard. We've since messaged a few times, mainly me asking for explanations over certain things.
I just feel so sad. So let down. Betrayed (and yes I know some people have to deal with full on affairs). I haven't weathered lockdown well, home schooling, menopause problems, life in general. We were both drinking a lot. Everything came to a head and enough was enough.
There is a part of me that would take him back tommorrow but my issues are still there.
I just don't know. I've had the 'anger' stage and now the 'crying' stage. If he wasn't so desperately sorry and didn't want to make it work then I'd happily give up and just work on myself.
What do you think you'll do?

I guess, like me, you didn’t find anything confirming cheating - it’s just the emotional reliance on an ex and the deception around it that’s hard to get over?
I do think lockdown and all it entails has been a bit of a pressure cooker for couples with any issue areas. How long ago did it happen?
We will try to keep going , I feel like he needs a chance but just don’t have a clue how to stop my mistrust. I wish I could flick a switch.

Mine was only just over a week ago, so still raw. I think I'd go insane if I felt like I was still unsure of him 3 yrs down the line.
I think you may have to accept that it's always going to be in the back of your mind, until one day it isn't! Remind yourself that he's still with you, wants to be with you, all his good points. Sorry, not much help.

Some people, not just men, do this and don't see it as cheating. One shot across their bows from a scorned DP should be the end of it if they really do care about you. Some people have healthy platonic relationships with exes and as long as they are open with current DP then all good. I would generally say give them a second chance, IF they show genuine remorse, and proactively take steps to change their contact with ex. They also need to appreciate the impact on their DP. I've been that insecure, low self esteem DP and it is hell. If you can get help with yourself as well as him changing then the trust will gradually come back. Would be a shame to end it if that is the only negative in the relationship. Just my opinion. Good luck x

@NotAgainNoMore yes it does make you feel a bit insane ! It’s not a constant worry at the front of my mine but it is at the back of my mind which is annoying. You sound like me and with a low deception tolerance. Any way back for you both?
@FlatChestAthlete I agree , thanks for this. I know I need to also work on my own self esteem which has been battered over the last few years.