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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

husband walked out today

20 replies

Parsley91 · 27/02/2021 13:00

Iv been with my husband since the age of 16 and we are about to turn 30 and he has just left me. We have two kids under the age of 5 and another one due in 10 weeks.

It’s not his fault or mine, there’s definitely fault on both sides but we had a stupid argument, one of these things that comes up again and again and it was just one time too many. I said ‘we should just break up’ and he agreed and packed his bags and left. He says he will come back to see the kids and he will take care of the garden so it’s nice for them to play in (he was in the middle of landscaping it and it is pretty much a building site).

I am just in shock. I’m dead calm right now as I know I need to figure out what to do but every time I try to think, I start crying uncontrollably.

I have a year off work because of maternity leave but I can probably only take 6/7 months of it due to needing an income.

I have no friends or family due to anxiety and tbh I never felt I needed anyone outside my little family...I had ‘friends’ at work but it’s not the same as real friends. I am just alone now with the kids.

I had been the breadwinner, he was the stay at home parent so money isn’t an issue so much as child care. He said he didn’t want to ‘kick a pregnant woman out her house’ so even though at any other time I would have been the one to leave if it came to that, he left.

I suppose I am lucky in that money isn’t an immediate issue and it’s about an amicable break up as it could be, but I am an emotional mess. What do people do when this happens? It’s lockdown so it’s just me and the kids 24/7.

How do I even begin to go on? I feel like I can’t even start adjusting as it’s been less that a day and he might come to his senses and come back. We’ve been together so long he’s been my partner in everything and now he’s gone. How do I get through today...and tomorrow and after that?

OP posts:

autumnalrain · 27/02/2021 13:10

Hi OP. First of all I want to give you a virtual hug. I have never been through this type of relationship breakdown so I can't speak from experience but I can only imagine its very hard. But everything happens for a reason and I'm sure this time next year you will look back and know this was the right decision.

Personally I think the best thing to do is stay active (long walks, do errands, organise/clean the house, books/films/podcasts) but also I do think you need some support because its a huge adjustment.

Quick question: what does this mean? I have no friends or family due to anxiety

Does it mean your friends/family make you anxious or that your anxiety makes you lose friends/family?

MatildaTheCat · 27/02/2021 13:26

Have you had couples counselling? If you are having the same arguments and there’s nothing seriously wrong then isn’t this worth working on? Obviously there may be more to this but it sounds as if he’s walked out in a temper. Take some cooling off time before you call time on your marriage.

Original poster

Parsley91 · 27/02/2021 13:27

Hi,
I meant to say no family, and that due to anxiety I never bothered making friends after school. I appreciate your reply

OP posts:

Original poster

Parsley91 · 27/02/2021 13:32

Yes I know. We didn’t do counselling but when I mentioned that kind of thing he refused to waste money on it - we are on a low income and he doesn’t really go for things like that. It’s too late now anyway, he’s left and I begged him to stay but after a while there was nothing more to say that hadn’t already been said

OP posts:

2020iscancelled · 27/02/2021 13:33

If you don’t want to end the relationship then you need to tell him that and you need to take responsibility for your share of the reasons that the relationship is failing right now.
If I were you I would be suggesting couples counselling, if you love each other and have young children then it is absolutely worth giving it the very best shot, counselling could do wonders to help you both grow and learn how to be a better partner.

Perhaps you could treat it more of a break, giving you both a little space? Tell him you want to work on it.

If you didn’t want to break up, why did you say it?

2020iscancelled · 27/02/2021 13:35

How can counselling be a waste of money when it could literally be the difference between being in a lovely and supportive relationship with a family unit for your very young children or being separated, single parent with kids being passed from one to the other every weekend.

It’s not a waste of money, although if he just doesn’t want to do it because he doesn’t want to save the relationship then yeah it would be pointless

Beebumble2 · 27/02/2021 14:13

he didn’t want to kick a pregnant woman out of her house This alone shows me your well rid.
Did he not notice that the ‘pregnant woman’ was the mother of his children and his wife? Also that he caused the ‘woman’ to be pregnant?
He sounds like a real catch! NOT

Kittykat93 · 27/02/2021 14:17

Well you're saying he walked out OP but being honest..you're the one that said you should split up. If you didn't mean that then you need to tell him. If my partner said to me 'we should split up' I'd leave. Because that would tell me he wanted us to split up! You're playing mind games and its backfired.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2021 14:18

Where’s he gone? Does he have friends or family? How’s he planning to support himself if you’re the breadwinner?

When’s he planning to take the children for some time with him and to give you a break?

Viviennemary · 27/02/2021 14:19

If you want him back speak up. You are the one who told him to leave. I expect he'll come back if you ask him to.

Isadora2007 · 27/02/2021 14:21

How can paying for some counselling sessions be more expensive than running two households? It’s literally a few hundred pounds for 5/6 sessions that could save you thousands or tens of thousands.
Especially if you keep having the same arguments- it’s likely you’re not resolving the one issue so you’re replaying it. Over and over again.
Don’t you both owe it to your children to at least try to fix this?

Doingitaloneandproud · 27/02/2021 14:22

I feel for you but you did say you wanted to split up and he's now agreed. I don't think he's done anything wrong in this situation, if you are honest with him and say if you feel it was said in the heat of the moment, maybe he'll come back so you can talk?

PlinkPlink · 27/02/2021 14:47

Oh dear... I'm so sorry OP. That's the risk you take when you say things like that, even in the heat of the moment.

Do you think this may be stress related? Or hormone related? I only ask because I was the same with my hormones. The lead up to a birth can be fraught with worry and anxiety. I know OH and I had a couple of arguments that stemmed mostly from us worrying about the future.

Calmly, I think you need to apologise for saying that you should split up. That's not what you wanted. Ask if you can talk about it?

Brownteddybear · 27/02/2021 14:52

Hang on you've got two children under 5 with another on the way and he said "he'll come back to see them and make the garden nice for them to play in"?

Well that's generous of him? Is he expecting you all to be eternally grateful or something? Where has he conveniently fucked off to?

I expect you're well rid but he needs to face his caring responsibilities. Sorry you're going through this, sounds like you've had anxiety for a long time?

crimsonlake · 27/02/2021 15:16

I do not understand the comment about you leaving instead of him if you were not pregnant. It does not really work like that?
Could this just be a heat of the moment thing between the both of you and after some breathing space he will return.
I would use this time to think about what you want going forward...do you still love him, do you even like him as a person?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/02/2021 15:29

I do not understand the comment about you leaving instead of him if you were not pregnant. It does not really work like that?

It sounds like OP works and the husband is a SAHD as she mentions she’ll be missing childcare not money. So in those circumstances the primary parent would usually stay in the marital home with the DC as that’s what the DC are used to. As she’s pregnant and due soon he’s decided it’s fairer for him to leave.

SandyY2K · 27/02/2021 16:04

one of these things that comes up again and again and it was just one time too many

Whatever this thing is, it hasn't been dealt with and as you say comes up again and again. That's the crux of the issue.

Is this the first time you've suggested breaking up?

Tropicalparadise75 · 27/02/2021 16:10

Hey op, hugs , what’s the issue that comes up time and again or are there multiple issues?

gutful · 27/02/2021 16:27

The thing is fighting over the same thing repeatedly isn’t really healthy. If the same topic comes up all the time it means there is no resolution to the disagreement & seemingly no end in sight about the issue at hand.

Unfortunately you called it first & it sounds like he wanted to leave but perhaps was feeling stuck due to the latest pregnancy.

So when you gave him an “out” he took it.

The fact he moved out so quickly would suggest to me he’s likely been considering it for some time.

Jenny215 · 27/02/2021 16:38

Let him stew for a bit as hard as it is. I doubt he's left for good

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