Help! Not happy where I live - any experience, opinions welcome!

[KeysDontBelongInTheFridge]

Hello,

I moved away from family and friends to be with my partner for his work. He is only able to work in this area as his job is so niche. He works loooooooong hours, he can often work 12 - 15 hour days, so is obviously not any help at home in the week. I am really unhappy with where I live, I feel like a square peg in a round hole. I’ve tried to make friends - I’ve started a book club, help run baby and toddler groups, volunteered for a local charity shops and joined numerous art clubs. I do have friends, and can go to the park and chat to people but I just don’t seem to be connecting with anyone on any type of level for a sustained friendship. They also bring up my “young” age a lot (I’m 35 so not young at all), so that gives you an idea of the local demographic. I also don’t own a classic mega house, so feel I don’t fit in with their idea of what I should have.

Anyway, I’ve been here for 5 years but it’s just not getting any better. My mental health has deteriorated, my eating disorder come back about 9 months after living here so that’s a daily struggle, my anxiety is through the roof and I’m generally just struggling. My partner said he’d move back to where we’re from (we lived apart for the first 5 years of our children’s life as he refused to pay money on rent, so I had to live in his Mum’s annexe with the 2 children whilst we save up to buy a house, so have experience of living apart).

Not sure what to do, children like it here, but they’re not invited to play dates etc and are often excluded from certain friendship groups. BUT, schools are some of the top in the country, really safe area, get to see Dad in week, beautiful are of the country etc. It’s just me being the giant pain in the bum!

Any advice / help / experience would be amazing as I’m totally lost. Doesn’t help that I have anxiety at the mo so obviously in my head if we move back I’ve destroyed everyone’s lives!

Thank you!

Xx

Not sure if this is in the right section or not!

Well you have given it a good go. If noone sees him during the week because of the long hours he works, then you may as well move back to where you're happy. And if your kids aren't being invited where you live either, then they'd be happier where you're originally from?

Is there any chance of him changing careers? Are you also planning on working /do you work too?

Thanks for your reply.

He’s working his dream job, so I would never ask him to give it up. I don’t work at the moment, but really want to, but there’s not much around this area in my field. We also thought it best to save on childcare, and his job trumped mine.

I think I worry about him being on his own in the week without the warmth of a home to go to.

Worry worry worry!

I see quite a lot of these threads - people moving to new areas and not feeling like they fit in, like their kids are being left out etc.

I really don’t think it’s the case that some villages and towns conspire (can’t think of a better word!) to make newcomers feel left out, I think it is just more the case that people that have lived there for donkeys years are more likely to gravitate towards their oldest friends than trying to make new ones.

Also, I think it is quite difficult to forge deep and meaningful friendships past a certain age - they’re generally something that happen over a long period of time, a few years just isn’t that long.

Did you like your previous area? Do you have friends there?

I don’t think the village is conspiring against me, it’s just I do think certain villages aren’t the right fit for people. For example I went on the climate march a couple of years ago, no one went from
my childrens current school, but from their previous one they were doing an after school club for it to make banners encouraging the children to be active (we moved from Brighton to Surrey so they’re at polar opposites of the spectrum). I did make a couple of good friends in this area, but they moved away as they didn’t like it!

We have loads of friends in our previous area, regularly go camping with them (when we’re not in lockdown), my family and partners family are there, and the kids have friends there too. It’s also a really fun and vibrant place to live. Here I see fields and 4x4’s

Can you afford to move back and your DP come to see you at weekends? after five years I'd say you have given it a good try and would think about moving back.

I know you didn’t say it which is why I said I couldn’t think of another word!

There is an odd expectation on mumsnet that every town and village should be a buzzing cultural hub with a diverse population and social calendar to rival the cool city they’ve just left. This simply isn’t realistic.

The fact is you have moved from Brighton to a village in Surrey and you’re complaining that it is too rural/old/politically inactive/boring what did you expect?

I get this.

I moved, on my ex husband's wishes, to a vair naice area where I just didn't fit in at all. He didnt either but the postcode was desirable to him.

I've just moved to a 'less nice' area but one where I feel more at home already. It's only 15 mins from where i did live so I still have all the benefits of the place and my child is at the same school but without any of the negatives.

Peace of mind is really important and certain areas do attract certain types of peope that aren't always going to be a good fit. I felt I was looked down upon where I lived. I don't feel like that anymore.

You're not being a pain in the bum. 'best' schools is relative depending on whether SATS or engagement with the world are your priorities, your He's job does not trump your happiness.

If you hadn't given it a proper go I'd say give it a last try but you have! This is your one life! You are allowed to put your happiness first (and your children's will follow). You'd be setting the kids the example of - of something isn't working, change it. Definitely move back.

I'll tell you I know how you feel. I moved with my DD from the roughest and poorest neighbourhoods of Miami back here to England to be closer to family thinking it would be great and am now in a suburban area where I just feel so out of my depth and isolated. I don't have any suggestions other than take each day as it comes and don't move unless you have everything figured out for the move , because you don't want to have to keep moving. I'm sure I would like to move one day again but am not rushing it and trying to make the most of what this area offers for now. Maybe try and see it as you're having a long holiday in the countryside and you'll go back to where you love soon enough.

Brighton to Surrey isn’t a huge distance - could your DH commute or stay somewhere on weeknights?

So your mental health, anxiety, eating disorders due to stress, loneliness, kids not being included, being away from your family and friends and your job are all worth less than his job?

You have tried for five years OP, nobody could say that you haven't really tried to make this work for him. It is time for him to make this work for you and your DC, it is not sustainable for him to work 12 -15 hour days because really he is not seeing you or the DC on work days.

As for living apart for the first five years as he refused to pay rent, if you were in his mum's annex with the kids where was he? Sorry if I'm missing something obvious there.

I echo other posters. Your husband 's job shouldn't even trump yours let alone your mental health. I think if he won't move it's best to consider living separately. Doesn't sound like he's particularly engaged. I'm currently trying to decide where to live in the next couple of years so keep googling nice commuter towns etc and I get it, Surrey would be bottom of my list as I feel I'd have so little in common with people there (I'm foreign, not well off and politically active!)

Hi OP you sound so desperately unhappy I'm so sorry. Could your husband nit travel from Brighton to Surrey for his dream job? That's really not too major a commute, well served by M25 etc?! You'd all get what you want in life that way...?

I think Surrey is definitely more niche that Brighton and perhaps more "reserved". I can see why it isn't a good fit so I don't think it's you.

Why does your partner work such long hours? If he put in more normal hours a commute wouldn't be unreasonable or could be wfh some days?

You're not married, any plans to get married?

I get this feeling too op. I have been living here for a number of years (for good schools etc). Lovely countryside and whilst I chat to people I find it difficult to find like-minded people (I'm arty, live in my head and a bit eccentric) whereas it is a bit more conventional here. I'm trying to work out whether it is more to do with me or the actual area. My plan is to try joining a few groups outside of the area to put it to the test. However, I see this would be more difficult for you as your husband works away.

Move back to brighton. Surrey isn’t far so he can just commute.

It’s one reason why beforecwe moved overseas we lived in Bath as it had a nice bit of arty plus a nice bit of posh but council estates as well as Georgian houses. I totally get why a Surrey village would seem deathly after Brighton although people did tell me the schools were not great- how about somewhere between the 2 with a bit more life or even Guildford ?

Thanks so much for all your replies. It's helped just taking a step back and not having the only perspective on this issue being the one I formed in my head!

I discussed it last night with my OH and we've decided to move back to Btown, which is slightly scary. He'll live up here in the week and come down at the weekends (unless work is quiet and then he can pop down for a night). He loves his job, so I would never ask him to give that up, but unfortunately due to the insane hours he also wouldn't be able to commute every day. We lived apart for the first 5 years (me in the annex, and he up here), so we have had plenty of practise in it! It also means I get to be near my parents, as my Dad is in the later stages of Alzheimers so I can give my Mum some respite from caring for him full time.

Once again, thanks so much for your replies it's been an amazing help.

xx

Well done, happy for you.

Really pleased for you, I used to live in Brighton but now live in a village on Sussex/Surrey border so get where you are coming from. Good luck!

Nice one!!