Told husband it's over

[Mmmmdanone]

I haven't been happy for years. It's been increasingly difficult to hide it and it came to a head last night. Not for the first time but I was more assertive and definite last night. Now I'm awake (he's asleep) and I just feel a bit lost. I've dreamed about being separated from him for a long time but it all seems so hard right now. We have 2 dc. Daughter is 16 and finds him difficult to live with too, son is 12 and I have no idea how he will react. I'm worried about what's going to happen next. Money, where he will go, everything. It's these things that have stopped me going through with it in the past but I don't think there's any going back this time (which is a good thing but still, I'm feeling sick). He just keeps going on about my lack of sex drive and I snapped. Feel like it's all that matters to him but I also realise it's a massive indicator of how
a relationship is so he's right to tackle it.
Don't know what I want from posting this but I haven't spoken to anyone irl as yet.

Lots of empathy here. And well done for taking that first step. I’m planning on doing the same at the end of March. My kids are similar ages too and my biggest worry is impact on them. I have no idea how logistics will work either except I know it will be detrimentally financially for me. But I can’t stay on basis of a comfortable life. My DH is a good man in lots of ways. But he is not the man I want to spend my remaining alotted years with. And it’s ok to admit that.

Hope you’re doing ok this morning.

Read this this morning from Glennon Doyle:

For me: Pretending was the wrong kind of hard. Divorce was the right kind of hard.

For me: Drinking was the wrong kind of hard.
Sobriety is the right kind of hard.

For me:
Directness is the right kind of hard.
Empathy is the right kind of hard.
Speaking up is the right kind of hard.
Being a fully human public woman is hard as hell but it’s the right kind of hard.

It’s all effing hard. So maybe it’s just about deciding on the right kind of hard.

What’s your right kind of hard?

#GetUntamed

Thank you so much ❤️
Yes, the right kind of hard is going through with this.
My husband isn't that bad a man, but he'd very hard to live with. And my mind keeps going back to all the shit he put me through when the kids were younger. He's better than he used to be but I think that's how I have the headspace now to deal with it. He seems to think we've had the perfect relationship, but looking back that's because I was a doormat. Word of warning to all doormats out there!

Doesn't sound like he respects your feelings. I've nothing useful to add really, except that getting out of a relationship like that is the right thing to do, and I wished in my teenage years that my Mum had had the guts to leave my father.

You're doing the right thing by your kids, doing this. They're at a good age to have the example set for you that if your relationship doesn't make you happy, you get the hell out, even if it's hard. Let the struggles that will come feel like representations to them of how worth it it is to take responsibility for your own happiness in life.

Know that you are doing the right thing. Know it, rock solid. Don't doubt. You're going to have to do stuff you haven't had to before, but you're a capable adult, right? You'll be fine.

Thank you. I will be fine. Definitely can't carry on like it is so there's only one way to go.

You sound resolute. That's good. Hold on to that. No swerving :)

I appreciate the hand hold.

Sorry, you said hold on to that. Close enough!

It's a horrible feeling, I remember it well, so you can have a handhold from me too.

I would say- don't back down now. Your feelings won't change, and having to do this again will be even harder.

I like @HaggisBurger's right kind of hard words.

You say 'where will he go'?

Has he agreed to go? Because it seems a bit 'off' to just expect him to go just cos it suits you. As you say he's not a bad husband really.

He hasn't said he will go. I know I can't make him. I haven't said how bad of a husband he is/was, just that he now isn't that bad (he has been).

I had a very similar situation with my ex... he was nasty when the children were younger but got better when they got older. But he was all surprised that by that stage I didn't love him stay more. He had killed the love by being a prick, years ago. I also had the sex pest stuff, but whatever makes men think that women would desire them, if the man has been a bastard to them for years?
Yes, it is bloody hard having to look your husband in the eye and tell him you have no feelings for him, and it's hard to stand firm.
But life gets so much better once the shock of the initial split wears off. I had joy in my heart after he eventually left. Good luck

Thank you. I really wish I'd had the strength when he was being a truly shit husband. But it felt impossible then as I was so worn out being the responsible parent. Now things are easy, and he's better so doesn't see the issue.

Have you both tried marriage counselling?

I am in EXACTLY the same position as you but a couple of weeks on. It is so so difficult, we will all get through this for the better.

I am moving out (staying local) and we will share the childcare, my husband cant get his head around it still. He is also a lovely man, just not for me. He has and never has been there for me emotionally and I have come to the conclusion that I am just so very unhappy... something has to change. I did raise issues lots before finally saying I cant do this anymore.

My children know, the oldest is more understanding. The youngest son is still very teary and trying to get his head around the situation.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Did you move out with the kids? I would do that but worried about the extra upheaval for them.

No, we haven't had any marriage guidance.

Mmmmdanone, sorry for the late reply. I haven't moved out yet, its going to take some time to get organised but we will be. Its such a difficult situation.

Is anyone past this stage? Please tell me it gets easier...