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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Deciding to leave but i dont want to

16 replies

Motherofking · 27/02/2021 08:53

Ive had my baby 8 Months ago and me and my husband argue more often. Our baby brings us lots of joy and we love him alot but we was happier before . I feel overwhelmed and overworked and instead of supporting me he makes me feel like shit . I try to be a good mother and wife. But I feel like there's too much pressure on me . Some days I don't shower because I don't have time and he will make comments about it making me feel dirty .if I don't spot an out of date food in the fridge he goes on about how dirty I am. I try and clean as much as I can but he won't acknowledge that and will notice the one thing not cleaned like the oven for example. Majority of the times my house is very clean but with a baby it's not possible for it to stay spotless. Also If the baby falls and hurts himself he blames me saying I don't watch him properly. The other night after my baby's dinner he was very tired and crying so I rushed him to bed . My husband wanted dinner and I told him to dish it up himself or wait till i've put the baby to sleep . Once the baby was asleep I left the nursery to go into the kitchen to dish up our meal and try and tidy up and I just hear him complaining saying how I'm a dirty woman all because there's spaghetti on the floor and he grabbed the hoover and started hoovering but was angry. I told him how does he expect me to cook dinner , feed the baby , sort him out for bed and also have a spotless kitchen with very mobile baby who crawls everywhere and is trying to stand so I have to constantly monitor, on top of that , I hadn't even eaten yet myself. This is just an example of what I have to deal with . I am overwhelmed. On top of that I also have my masters which I'm studying for. I just don't have any time for myself , I already sacrifice alot and it's still not good enough , He still finds a way to criticize me . After an argument last night I said I wanted a break. I can't physically leave the house because i have no where else to go but I just don't want to be with him right now . Im also hurt because I love him but after our break I don't know how we can work things out, how can I make him see things from my perspective because if he doesn't realise what he's doing then I will have to leave . I can't keep feeling overwhelmed and under pressure like this. Being a mother and studying is enough pressure . I wish he could live my life for a day and realise that he is adding on additional pressure that I don't need . I wish he could see my value

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/02/2021 09:02

Does your husband do any housework?

HappyTodayForNow · 27/02/2021 09:06

Hello motherofking
I didnt want to read and run. I am so sorry your going through this. Tbh your husband sounds lazy and not very nice. Whilst your sorting the baby and hes moaning about his dinner what was he actually doing? Just because your at home in the day it doesn't mean your a 24 hour skivvy! When he gets home he can also help out and with his nasty comments about you being dirty and food in the fridge i would just say "well empty it/clean it then etc your not the only one who lives there"
Altho you have no where to go as such to see anyone get yourself ready (personally i always make sure im looking my best when i have stormed out before to annoy dh) and then go and have a walk some where do a bit of food shopping but leave the baby with him....he is also a parent and it is also his responsibility too! Start thinking about you because people like your dh all they want is to grind you down.

Take care and if you need a chat on your walk just pm me

User1511 · 27/02/2021 09:08

Ah darling. Believe me when I say you aren’t alone.

I recommend he takes the baby for a few days whilst you go and study at your parents or in a hotel or something. He can then see exactly how hard it is doing your job. If he then thinks what you have to do is easy, then you have a decision to make. But I guarantee he won’t be able to juggle it all. Maybe for a day he could cope. But 3-5 days he would be tearing his hair out.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/02/2021 09:14

That's a lovely idea but we all know this lazy selfish man child wont take the baby for 5 days, and no one is allowed to go to a hotel now anyway .
OP you are seeing who this man truly is , you didnt notice before because you were able to put him first . He cant even see to his own dinner?
You need to speak to your family and see if you and the baby can stay there for a bit while you decide what you want to do .
He is not going to change, you are the one that needs to make the changes .

Motherofking · 27/02/2021 11:04

He does the laundry and washes the dishes and Hoover's sometimes but he's at home not working so he could do more because I still do majority of the housework

OP posts:
wewereliars · 27/02/2021 11:14

He's a selfish entitled arse. If he's not working he should be doing the lion's share of chores so that you can study.

Itstimetoquit · 27/02/2021 11:18

Very selfish manchild x

NotAgainNoMore · 27/02/2021 11:54

I honestly thought that he's obviously out working all day and doesn't realise what it's like to juggle an active baby, studying and all the domestic stuff - but he's not!!!
Take yourself off for a few days, get some serious studying done. Maybe then he'll realise how tough it is. He's a selfish arse.
Did he lose his job due to Covid? Is he doing anything about getting a new one? What does he do with himself all day while you're run ragged?

Ludo19 · 27/02/2021 12:01

You say you were happier before your child?
Could it be HE was happier before baby as he had your undivided attention, time, housemaid etc without having to cater for the baby's needs and in turn wasn't moaning at you making you feel that it was all good perhaps?
Your DH is a selfish arsehole, he needs to grow up and shoulder parenthood and chores with you. But have a shower even if it means taking baby into the bathroom as you'll feel so much better for it.
Good luck x

Mumoftwoinprimary · 27/02/2021 12:09

He doesn’t work. He doesn’t do his share with your child. He doesn’t do his share of the housework. He is horrible to you.

You, on the other hand, take care of your child, do most of the housework and are studying for a masters.

Struggling to see why you love him? What does he do that makes him worth you? You sound fabulous. He sounds like an unpleasant loser.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2021 13:08

He needs to step up and do more of his fair share of housework and childcare. It's not him 'helping' - it's what he should be doing!

And the constant moaning at you must be soul destroying. Give him the baby to look after for a day so you can have a break and get some studying done. And be kind to yourself; none of us can be superwoman all the time.

Haffiana · 27/02/2021 13:22

What does he actually add to your life?

I know you feel that if only he just realised how difficult he makes things for you he would of course magically change, but this is Him. This is Who He Is. A hypercritical, lazy, cocklodging arsehole. There is no better him.

Bananalanacake · 27/02/2021 14:03

Why isn't he working, is he on furlough

Wanderlusto · 27/02/2021 14:11

He is complaining about the house being messy or out of date stuff in the fridge in his own home? Then why doesnt he shut his trap and DO it? Why is it your job? You're meant to be a team, a partnership!

He clearly thinks housework is womens work. What a pig.

Also, it seems as of be find enjoyment in making you feel nothing is ever good enough. Have you noticed that?

I dont think he is annoyed about the mess...I think he is a spiteful person who likes causing you stress. Because that's what bullies enjoy.

At best he is a lazy, misogynistic man child and at worst, he is those things AND cruel.

Get him dumped.

YoniAndGuy · 27/02/2021 14:19

He's not even working?

Get fucking rid. Honestly, it really is that simple.

A man who can sit on his fat arse and watch you struggle with multiple jobs and tasks that are his responsibility too and not only not help, but abuse you for not coping, simply isn't someone you want as your life partner.

And it's not about 'learning' or 'changing things' - this isn't stuff you need to be told. It's simple basic personality. He's a shitbag. I doubt that there will be much else you can say here which will demonstrat ethat actually, no, he's loving, kind, fair, supportive. Perhaps the usual feeble 'He's a great dad!' which translates as when he feels like it, he will play with the baby Hmm

It's also not about him not 'seeing' anything, including your value. He knows what you do. He just doesn't care to make your life easier, or be kinder by at least thanking you for being his fucking skivvy.

He won't change. If you tell him you're leaving though, he'll look as if he has. You'll be astonished at how fast that lazy lying fucker can move, in fact, if it comes to having to convince you to stay. Nobody likes looking at a future of shifting for themselves and losing their house elf!

It'll be a lie though. Once you're back in your box he'll be back to being a nasty shit.

He's a bully, an abuser, entitled, lazy and before you say it, no he isn't a good dad, he's the absolute worst kind to have.

KatySun · 27/02/2021 14:29

When women find themselves with lazy, entitled, rude men, there is a difficulty in seeing that the person one fell in love with, the person one imagined a family and future with, is actually a selfish person who puts you down. So of course you don’t want to believe this is your partner, the father of your child, who you expected more from. But his inability and unwillingness to step up to the task of being a father and equal partner is not your fault. He is blaming you for things he should be easily able to sort out, because domestic tasks and childcare are both of your responsibilities, and he is too lazy to actually do anything.

So you have two choices really:

  1. Carry on running yourself ragged and hope that something will change in his behaviour and he will start taking responsibility.

  2. Work out what real life support you have to make this break more permanent and realise you are not the first or the last woman to realise their partner is lazy, entitled and rude and this is not your job to fix.

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