Was i being unreasonable?

[Wheredidthegoodgo]

My ex is abusive but we share a beautiful 2 yr old dd.

Today ex emailed me asking for DD to be dressed in the clothes and coat he had her in at the last handover. I didn't even comment on the clothes as I'll dress DD I'm what I feel is suitable for the weather however said she shouldn't be wearing a bulky coat in the car as it's dangerous, from the fact that the harness may not fit properly to her overheating on a long 90minute journey in a car with 3 other adults and the heating on. Well now I've just royally had my head bitten off, i dress DD in 3 warm but thin layers (base layer being wool) when handing over DD, takes less than a minute to get to her to his car.

Was I unreasonable for mentioning my concerns about safety with the coat? And should I just carry on dressing DD as I see fit and let him argue with himself?

Yes and no.

I have to repeatedly send my ds to his dads in the clothes his dad sends him in, otherwise he keeps the clothes I send and sends ds back in clothes that are too small for him. Resulting in him having a wardrobe of newly fitting clothes for ds who he has 2 nights a week, and I'm left with limited clothing due to being given clothes that are too small.

As for mentioning the coat, you are fine for expressing concerns but wrong to assume he doesn't address the situation. He may remove her coat when she gets in the car. He might remove it after they stop off somewhere to grab food etc. Another one of the adults might remove it. You just don't know. As long as your dd returns home safe and well, and has enjoyed her time with dad that's all that matters.

@TheChip, it's because we have discussed this before where DD overheated in his car because her coat was left on. I simply said to ex to do as he saw fit but I was raising those concerns. Also for ex to be telling me what to dress DD in.. if she is wearing clothes provided by him I always send these back, he also does the same however the point made at the end was what I dress her in isn't sufficient.

Ah I get you. If you want to continue sending her in clothes of your choice then keep doing it. You're not wrong for that. Yanbu for mentioning the coat.

It has made things much much easier just dealing with the clothes my ex uses though. So it might be worth considering, since he likes to have a go.
If you don't want to, then let him argue with himself. I'm sure he will find something else anyway even if you did use the clothes he sends her in.

I'd dress her in the other layers she came in and carry the coat out and put it in the boot so he has it but DDs safe. Puffy or thick clothes are a safety hazard for children in harnessed seats as harnesses don't tighten in an accident like a seat belt does. There was a very tragic accident where I live due to a puffy jacket. This is a safety issue involving your child so YANBU.

I think it might depend on why he asked for her to be wearing that outfit. If it was something he’d bought, or his parents had bought her, then I can see why he might ask. As pp have said, I’d just have handed the coat over separately.

I wouod be wary of sending her in the exact same outfit only because my ex reported to children's services that I wasn't buying clothing for the children as he wore the same joggers to contact three weeks in a row (he had two identical pairs) he also accused me of sending them in filthy clothing everyone was really concerned until I piped up he collected them from nursery so ask nursery why he was so dirty 🙄

The reason she must be in exactly the same outfit is because apparently what I put her in isn't suitable for cold weather. This has been a constant thing with him, another time she overheated in his care because he didnt check on her in a 4 hour period and it was apparently because I hadn't dressed her correctly.

I always send the clothes DD came back in straight back to ex, and it isn't a special outfit in the sense it's just a cotton bodysuit and a thin hoodie. But in the words of my ex this plus her coat is far more appropriate than what I put her in.

Might also be worth mentioning we are currently still going through court and he has requested a change of residence.