Not in love with my husband and depressed

[clarify]

My husband and I are high school sweethearts and have been married for 4 years. Every since the birth of our daughter 3 years ago, things have been going downhill. I am in no way attracted to him and almost feel like I am obliged to have sex with him because I am his wife. I constantly shrink away from his touch. There is no one else.....
I am just not happy....I pick fights so he will leave me alone, but I don't want him to leave, for the sake of our daughter. My life feels more peaceful when he is not around, but when he is, I am accusing him of not spending enough time with us. I feel like I am the only one doing any of the household chores, but when I bring it up he gets angry saying that he is the only one who cuts the lawn or works on the cars. He frequently goes out after work with friends and says I am free to go out if I want, and it's not his fault that I don't. However, i dont feel like I am able to... I work 3-4 days a week, I am working on a second university degree and I am a full time mum. When do I have time to go out??? I am so frustrated, angry and depressed....i just don't know what to do anymore. i am terrified to try counselling. I have thought about it many times, but am too scared to make that "first step"......

It sounds like your run off your feet....study...work...home...mum....where is the time for you...just to relax?

Oh clarify - your post made me sad - especially as I can relate a bit. I am not surprised that you are angry, frustrated and depressed.

I am no expert but a few things come to mind

1. You sound really depressed which will kill off any libido. Add to that resentment of your DH's lack of appreciation.

1. You are a Mum with a young child which can be exhausting and exhaustion will add to the depression.

1. Despite what your DH says about doing the lawn and the cars they are not day to day chores which can grind anyone down when combined with caring for a 3 year old, studying for a degree AND working so I don't think he's pulling his weight here.

It's all too easy for him to go out and say you have the freedom to do the same. However, I don't think he is really understands all that you do - or even worse - he does and doesn't care to acknowledge it.

Counselling might be a start - but it should be with him as well - he needs to understand how you feel.

you're on an endless treadmill full of tedium and your dh is carrying on his life as normal. cutting grass and car-tinkering don't keep the household ticking over.

write down the tasks you do, tick the ones you're happy to keep doing, get him to tick the ones he's happy to do, and share out the remainder.

you really do need an evening a week or every two weeks to just get your mojo back. his helping out should give you a bit more time.

if he's not willing to budge (let's face it, why would he? he's got a nice cushy life here), then relate is a good option.

Clarify, I can really sympathise with your situation. I fall out of love with my husband on a regular basis, or so it seems. He's not doing anything wrong particularly, and it doesn't sound like yours is either...but its very easy to let resentments build up and make you feel like you despise him rather than love him.

You need to put yourself first. All the time you are slaving away, doing the lions share, you will feel like this.

If you made some time for you, went out with girlfriends once a fortnight, say for a glass of wine, or went to the gym, just for yourself I guarantee your perspective would change and you may feel because you are getting you back, you can reconnect with your husband.

Is he a good listener? Can you tell him how afraid you are for your relationship? He may not have a clue what you are going through, or is too scared to face it.

Try writing it all down, if you are afraid to say it to his face. I really hope you can get through this. Think of it as a bad patch. Every marriage has them . But really think hard about doing stuff for you.

dear Clarify (great name)

I was feeling just the same, and really feared for my marriage. then I read Babyproof your marriage.... which you can find on Amazon or maybe your local library. it goes into all these issues - who does what - feeling neglected - not wanting sex - wondering what the hell you are doing in this relationship... and has some really positive ideas. it has helped me & DH a lot (he read some of it too) - it takes work to get through these things, but it is so satisfying to feel we have had a better day, or some moments of good communication, or fun together with the children. it works in little steps at a time, but it does work

take care of yourself. well done for sharing it with MN - the first step on getting somewhere. things will get better

I'm glad I'm not the only one who falls out of love with their hubby. I do love him but sometimes I just don't want him to touch me and I shrink away or pretend I'm asleep.

I had a very brief fling with a guy which I felt guilty about and finished, he was nice, paid me compliments and was good looking too. We did have protected sex and it was fantastic but I couldn't string him along either. It was a bit too complicated in that he was the joiner who did our new kitchen and was also the brother inlaw of my hubby's mate.

I still see him occasionally when I'm out with friends and we share a snog while dancing but nothing else, we don't meet up for sex anymore. I don't miss him now as I used to and I read that the medication I take can make my libido weak so that could be the problem.

Just because you don't feel like having sex with your husband does not mean you don't love him. Love is so much more than that, this is a problem alot of people have, is confusing sex and love. Love is trust, respect, friendship it is only when you have all of theese things can you show love and receive it. I know as I once felt like you, I took the step and went to counselling and it really helped me deal with the issues in my life and helped me learn to love myself and husband. Now we are reaping the rewards, we have odd fight but we are best friends. Also think of your son he needs his mom and dad. Fantastic sex with the joiner will eventually become boring and what will happen then? hope this helps even if it might not be what you want to hear. good luck.

whoop got a bit confused with clarify and mum2luke!!! i guess it applies a bit to both!!