LDR relationship

[ThatchersCold]

I’m feeling so sad tonight.

I know it’s hard to be positive about anything right now which isn’t helping.

I met my bf last august, he was working in my local town. We met at the pub, had a drunken shag and I kind of thought that would be that...but then it happened again a few days later and I realised I really liked him. We spent the next three weeks until his worked finished spending as much time as possible together.

He’s 33 and never had a gf before because of the nature of his work. He does short term contracts which can be anywhere, up until I met him always somewhere in England though. He said from the start that it wouldn’t be fair to try and keep anything going after he leaves, because he works all over the place and he wouldn’t be able to see me much.

But then the last few days before he was leaving were awful, we were both feeling pretty heartbroken that things were going to have to end soon, and so we decided to try and make a go of things.

It hasn’t been easy but up until now it’s been ok. He said he’d come back and see me in a couple of weeks, and true to his word he did, and spent a couple of nights with me. Then he had to fly to Finland for work - the first time his company had ever sent him abroad.

This was October so pre brexit, and I was able to go and see him in Finland. So I flew out there for a long weekend in October, and then again in November. He came back at the end of December and came to see me for a week, before he flew back to his home country for Christmas. That was when the new variants of corona came about and he’d only planned to stay in his home country for a week, but it ended up being three weeks as all the flights were cancelled.

As soon as he was back I went to see him (he lives 5 hours drive away), before he was due to go back to Finland to work. We only had three nights together then he has to go, it was supposed to be for 6 weeks. He’s just told me tonight that the work has been extended until the end of March , I thought I’d get to see him really soon but now we’re only half way through his time away. I can’t go and see him now as the rules about entering Finland have changed because of brexit and covid. If we were still part of the EU I’d be able to go, but obviously we’re not.

So now it’s going to be the end of March at the earliest before I see him. And it’s making me question wtf I’m doing...since he left my home town in September he’s only been in the same country as me for about 5 weeks, which due to the current situation with covid makes things pretty impossible.

I asked him tonight if he was going to be working in Finland again, and he said he doesn’t know yet. There’s another contract coming up there which his company might get, and if they do then he’ll have to go. And if that doesn’t happen, there’s another contract which is near where he lives (5 hours drive from me). Which would still be crap but at least I’d be able to see him a bit.

I’m completely emotionally invested now and so sad and frustrated about not seeing him. He’s so lovely, he really is a rare good un, he makes me laugh so much and we’re both really on the same wavelength. But I’m lonely and missing him, and wondering if maybe sadly he was right at the beginning when he said his job makes it impossible. He’d never worked abroad before then and didn’t know it was coming, and the way I saw it panning out was spending a weekend together maybe every 2/3 weeks, and then longer periods when he’s in between contracts and taking time off. But as it turns out for the 6 months we’ve been together he’s not been in the same country for me for around 5 of them.

I was a bit grumpy with him tonight when he broke the news about the work being extended, and I really don’t want to be like that. His job is what it is and I don’t want to be nagging him and saying but what about meeeeeeeeeee. But at the same time, what about me? I don’t know whether to cut my losses, and accept I’m on a hiding to nothing, or wait and see how things pan out when he gets back.

I’ve dated enough twats to know he’s definitely not one, and that’s very rare. I know I’d be throwing a really good thing away but logistically can this work?

Unfortunately he is not in a place (in any way) to have a relationship right now. Short of asking him if he could change jobs or do anything within the job to be more static here...he is not going to be relationship material.

Maybe if times were normal and you'd seen more of him over the last 6 months, you'd be in a position to ask him if he would do this for you. But as is... I don't think you can ask that of him. And it doesnt look like he will decide to do it on his own for you.

That being said, itsnot like you can meet anyone else right now. You could potentially give him say...another 6 months and see by the end of that if he would be willing to change things.

But only if you really think its worthwhile...and that your heart can take that.

Sometimes it's better to just walk away.

I think if you know he's good for you, then you'll wait for him. Like you say, good ones don't come along very often. Hopefully soon, you'll be able to go out with friends once lockdown eases which should make life a little less lonely. Never forget about yourself and the friends that you have.
I'm sure that he will understand the reason why you were disappointed tonight.

Thanks for the replies. He said he’s only planning on doing the work he does for another year or two. It’s pretty hellish, he works 12 hour days 6 days a week, he’s in a country where he doesn’t know anyone, although to be fair he’s always in that situation wherever he works. And I can feel he feels bad that the work is taking longer than expected. I know it’s not his fault and I’m really trying hard not to take my frustration out on him.

I know meeting someone else now would be pretty impossible, and I really don’t want to. The thought of going back to meeting a series of absolute bellends through OLD makes my blood run cold. And I just want him but that makes it all the harder that I rarely get to see him.

My two closest friends don’t really get it. One is really loved up with a new guy she’s with that she’s seeing pretty much every night, and he’s all she wants to talk about. And the other was actually seeing my bf’s brother (that was how I met my bf), but he dumped her after a couple of months and she’s completely eaten up with jealously that I’m still with my bf (sounds ridiculous and it’s a thread in itself) so I can’t really mention him to her.

What does he want you to do? Is he still saying you can make a go of things? Or is he less optimistic? The reason I ask is that I was in a similar situation once. I think if he’s not trying to find a way to make it work or if he’s still telling you it won’t work out then unfortunately he might not be as invested as you are.
If he ever tells you he doesn’t want you to end up hurt that’s a bad sign so watch out for that one.
I hope it works out for you, it’s tough I know.

Yeah he still wants to make a go of things. He was worried tonight that I wouldn’t want to wait for him to come back now the work’s been extended. We had a good heart to heart the last time I saw him where he confirmed he definitely didn’t want to sleep with anyone else (it was a bit wooly up until then, although neither of us did). So it’s definitely an official ‘thing’ now.

He’s very honest and a man of his word, and I genuinely think the it not being fair on me thing was what it said on the tin - he knew what his work was like and how hard it would be, and I guess he was right because it is really difficult hardly seeing him, I understand his point now. Though the main difficulty comes from not being in the same country and the corona restrictions, if these were normal times I could easily jump on a plane and go and see him.

I know a couple where one lived in America and the other in England for four years. They met originally in England and dated for a couple of months before they were separated. They ended up getting married/having children after the four years were up so it can work sometimes although not easy.

@AskEvans that’s lovely 😊. I guess the sensible thing would be see how it pans out rather than do anything rash. Chatting to him every day and looking forward to seeing him is about the only thing making life remotely bearable at the moment, so throwing that away would be daft even if things don’t end up working out long term.

I know I have a very impatient side to my personality and I can get pissy when things don’t go my way, so it’s good to post here and then I can be all sweetness and light when we talk tomorrow rather than me being annoyed with the situation and taking it out on him.