Find my family problems too much to deal with

[Froggy12]

Hi, I really want someone to tell me if I’m a selfish twat or not because I spend my whole life feeling guilty for not doing more to help people in my family but I don’t feel like I have the mental strength to deal with it. Sorry this might be quite long!

Basically my dad has spent most of my life as an alcoholic, when we were kids he was extremely violent towards our dm which we witnessed, and while we were in his care he would put us in dangerous situations like driving while very drunk, taking us shoplifting or passing out in random places and leaving us unattended. Eventually my dm left him and he would make us feel guilty for not going to visit him so I would go and stay with him to try and make him feel better and he would get really drunk and say horrible things about my DM which I found terrifying. Once I had left home he would phone me all the time when he was drunk and tell me how terrible his life was and how he was going to die etc, he would also sometimes turn up at my house drunk. After I had my 1st dc I just stopped answering the phone to him or agreeing to see him as I couldn’t cope with it all. In the last few years we have been in touch more, he seems to now be pretty much sober and getting on with his life a bit but he has been really unwell and in and out of hospital for the last few years. I have met up with him a few times but don’t feel comfortable having him at my house with my kids so really keep him at arms length. I will send him messages but don’t speak to him on the phone or visit his house although have met him at the park with the Dcs a few times. I know he is lonely just now with covid etc but I really cant bring myself to get more involved.

To add to this In the last few years it has become apparent that my sister is also an alcoholic, things have gone down hill very fast in her life and she has lost custody of her 3dcs as she was neglecting them and basically subjecting them to the same kind of childhood our dad inflicted on us. At first I tried to be understanding but she refused to get help or do anything to help herself even though she knows the effect it is having on her kids, she phones me all the time in a state to complain about having her children ‘stolen’ from her, expecting me to be sympathetic, or to tell me she’s going to kill herself. She also blames me for her mental health problems as I apparently wasn’t nice to her when we were children.

I have started to find dealing with her too much for me to cope with and I’ve stopped answering her calls or rushing to her aid when she messages me to tell me she’s harming herself. I have reverted to treating her the same way as my dad and only replying to her messages if they are sensible and ‘normal’ conversations. Everything else i just ignore. I know it’s not her fault she’s an alcoholic but I also feel really angry with her for doing this to her kids.

I’m not a person who deals with this kind of situation well, I avoid any kind of conflict or drama in my own life as far as possible. My own mental health isn’t great, I suffer from quite severe depression and anxiety which have driven me to crisis point in the past.
I also have 2 children of my own to worry about. I feel like I can’t emotionally deal with their problems on top of my own issues, however I know that they are unwell and need help. My sister gets a lot of support from other family members but my dad doesn’t really have anyone.

I know I’m a terrible, selfish person for doing this to them and i worry that me being so unsupportive will have a negative effect on my dad recovery or worsen my sisters mental health.

Their problems aren’t yours to solve, and you couldn’t even if you wanted to.

You’re being incredibly sensible and smart, there’s no sense in willingly letting yourself be dragged down with people who won’t benefit from your company in the sinking ship anyway.

As a parent your priority now is to you and your children and partner (if you have one), nobody else. If those relationships aren’t bringing you net joy and are draining you then you owe it to yourself and your kids to distance yourself.

Highly recommend you seek some therapy for help around this as it seems your childhood with your dad has primed you to feel like you have to rescue him and your sister, it’s promising that you’ve realised you need these boundaries and have put them in place but I worry that with enough time or pressure you’ll talk yourself into breaking them or beat yourself up for holding these very normal safe boundaries anyway.

Your primary concern should be your own MH and wellbeing which will benefit your DC's.
Alcoholics are adept at emotional blackmail and you shouldn't be feeling guilty for their behaviour or circumstances.
Because of your history with the alcohol problem you may believe that you can help, but in truth you can't. They need professional help.
in addition It might be helpful for you to see a counsellor to discuss the motions you are feeling and why!.

You are most definitely not selfish OP and stop saying and thinking it.

You are a young woman who had a very traumatic, highly dysfunctional and abusive childhood.

I would say you could have a bit of PTS from what you have seen, heard and experienced.

You have been emotionally abused and used by your father.

Now you have a sister who has similarly chosen a dreadful path.

They have made their choices.

Your responsibility is to yourself and your children.
To look after your MH and keep yourself well for your children.

You do not owe your father or your sister your MH.

You sound like you are working very hard to not bring the dysfunction of your childhood into the next generation.

You should be so proud of that.

I firmly believe that no one around you will pick up the pieces of yours or your children's lives if you allow your MH to deteriorate.

You need to stop the guilt bullshit and keep your mind 100% on your children, and minding yourself.

You don't owe anyone your children's health, safety and future.

Pull well back, stay well, stay safe.

You're not terrible or selfish.

Put your children front and centre - which means looking after your own mental health and wellbeing for their sake, if not your own.

You can't save your father or your sister. They have to do it for themselves.

Keep a distance and don't engage with them too much. Look after your kids and yourself and don't be drawn into their chaos.

Thank you everyone for your replies, you have definitely helped me to see that i’m not such a monster, I have really felt horrible for the way I treat my sister especially. I guess I blame my dad for her being an alcoholic and think that I should be supporting her more, I have this constant guilt that I have basically abandoned her when she is struggling.

Is there another way people would deal with this kind of situation. Should I just phone them once a week and ignore them the rest of the time? It is just answering any ‘normal’ messages from them ok and organising to see them when I know that i have control of the situation. I should add that as a result if my childhood experiences I am really uncomfortable around people who have been drinking so meeting you with either of them is quite nerve racking for me as i can never be certain they will be sober.

No. Absolutely not. You have a duty of care to yourself and to your own children to be in the best state of mental and physical health possible above all. I know this sounds selfish, but you need to raise them to be resilient and mentally sound. That’s actually difficult enough in the modern world without the added pressure of disfunctional family. I have had to go NC with my brother as his presence is both frightening and weird for my kids and myself. He is at his best, malignant, manipulative and untrustworthy, at his worst - quite dangerous. It is hard for people to believe that of “Poor X with the MH diagnosis” that they are happy to keep foisting onto me as my responsibility. Meanwhile, I have kids to raise safely. I need to prioritize that, and chosen to do so without any guilt, knowing that he has a great MH team, a bloody wife who supports him, a huge inheritance, and heaps of people who believe his stories.

Keep on doing what you are doing now, if you can't or don't want to go NC.
You could have so easily gone down their path, but you haven't, you are putting your DC first and quite rightly so. You sound like a strong woman, please don't let them drag you in or down.
You are not selfish and please stop feeling guilty. You didn't cause their problems, you can't help them.

OP, you are not selfish in the slightest! You need to protect yourself from these toxic people. You have to put your own well-being first because you have to be there for your children and prioritise them. If your sister wanted to change things, then she needs to do it herself. She stopped being a victim when she became abusive and neglectful to her own children. That's on her! I would personally think about going fully NC and allow yourself some time to find peace and deal with your own childhood memories. Effectively, amazingly strong and dignified people like you often get doubly punished in life when lesser people want to dump their shitty choices on them, on top of all of the burdens they already carry. You had the same childhood dramas, your sister does not get to emotionally blackmail you. Perhaps you can get some support and tips to deal with your family from a Al-Anon Family Group?

I think you give yourself a holiday from contact.

YOU need space.

If necessary send them both a message that you are not feeling great and are taking a break from contacting them while you look after yourself and your children.

Or

You could just ignore them.

They are taking your energy and peace at the momentband you need it for yourself and your children.

Your sister has made her own choices OP.

Lots of people with alcoholic parents don't become alcoholics and lose their children.

She has made her choice.

Do not get sucked into her chaos.

Your father has also made his life choices.

The fact that he is lonely now after a life of causing hurt is not your problem.

You deserve peace.

You aren’t at all selfish. You sound like you w been through hell. You should concentrate on your own family and yourself. It’s not selfish not to want to see your father or sister. Youve done all you can and they need to take responsibility for themselves. It’s not your responsibility. Step away and protect your own wellbeing.

I know I’m a terrible, selfish person for doing this to them

What, you magically made them poorly behaved alcoholics?

Nah, you sound pretty sensible.

Look after yourself so you can look after your kids. As for your relatives, don't expect miracles. It's one thing to chat occasionally and do one or two practical things that you're sure will be genuinely helpful. But you and the kids have got to come first.

Try reading co- dependent no more by melody beattie - it might give you some insight to your behaviour