Trying to unpick my feelings about dh being molested as a teen.

[Tangledthoughts]

Please be gentle. I’m very confused about this and I need help to unpick my thoughts and feelings. I’ve name changed because my sil knows my regular user name.

I recently told dh of my experiences of being groomed as a teen and later raped in my twenties (unrelated incidents) And he shared with me his experience of being molested as a teen.

It has taken me 15 years to have this conversation with him. I was only able to finally bring myself to talk about it with a therapist a few years ago, and only in the last year or two to properly process it and forgive myself. Sometimes I can still find sex triggering and that was what prompted me to tell dh (he already had a fair idea).

I had absolutely no idea about what happened to him. I would never have guessed. I’ve always imagined him to be sort of insulated. One of the reasons I would never speak about it with him was that I wasn’t confident that he would understand why something so banal fucked me up so much. I don’t think I understand that either. Or that he wouldn’t grasp the subtle issue of consent.

I have a million questions I want to ask him about his experience. In fact I want to interrogate him. I haven’t of course. He’s told me what he wants to share, I respect that.

But I don’t understand how he emerged so unbothered by it. He said he never talked about it or even thought about it. It was my story that brought his to mind. He had pretty much forgotten. It took him a few moments to remember the man’s name. He said that he didn’t want it to happen, but he wasn’t really bothered by it either.

I’m so angry. I’m angry at the person who did it. I’m angry at the relatives he was staying with who left him vulnerable. I’m angry that he had no one to reach out to. I’m angry that even if he had, he probably wouldn’t have been met with sympathy in those times. I’m just angry. But I’m also angry at him that he’s so unperturbed and blasé.

I dont understand how I ended up so fucked up by what happened to me even though to a great extent not very much happened. Yet he went through much more and it just doesn’t bother him.

I know that there was something about me, something slightly off that drew those people to me and that’s something I’ve tried unpicking in therapy. Now I feel like there’s something even more wrong with me that it affected me so deeply.

I know I don’t have the right to dictate that he feel a certain way. I know that. And this is all in my head.

Dh and I nearly broke up a couple of years ago when he hired a man for a job knowing that he was convicted of a violent rape. He was coming from the position of “he’s served his time” and I come from the position that his victim is serving a life sentence/ that the safety of Dh’s female employees should be a priority. He took my views on board and said he’d never thought about that and didn’t re hire him when the job was finished. He was shocked that I saw him as an entirely different kind of man for choosing to hire someone knowing those details. This wasn’t a grey area or he said/she said situation.

I thought dh was someone who never really encountered sexual abuse. He is a good person, he wouldn’t rape. He looks for enthusiastic consent without even knowing that’s a thing. He’s a bit noble and tries to do the right thing. I can understand why it’s in his nature to give someone a chance, or feel that they’ve paid for their crime, draw a line and move on.

Personally I think that particular fucker should never have seen sunlight again but that’s not how our “justice” system works.

It’s not really relevant. And I know that my reaction to what dh revealed is completely wrong and unreasonable and irrational.

I don’t have a therapist anymore and my head is in turmoil. I don’t even have a question really.

Why are you comparing your experiences? People don't all react the same to everything, especially something as traumatic as abuse. Perhaps this is more to do about his response to the worker he hired now you know his personal experience?

People don't all react the same way. I was sexually abused as a child and even though some people won't believe me it honestly doesn't bother me, obviously I wish it hadn't happened but it doesn't cause me any problems at all. Other people I know hve had similar experiences and it dominates their lives. Different strokes for different folks.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you and for what happened to your DP.

People react differently to trauma. An experience I had when I was 20 has stayed with me and still over a decade later affects how I react in intimate situations. Other people won’t feel the same way. Also, he’s kept it private for so long, it may not be that he is so unperturbed.

Please don’t get angry at him: it shows the trust in your relationship that he opened up to you and you to him. Also lockdown is so hard but if you financially can get back to a therapist it sounds like that was helpful to you before and could help you now to process this really complex situation.

Sending all the good thoughts to you both at this really really hard time

this is true of many traumatic events, some people fought in WWII but despite the horrors were mentally unscathed somehow they dealt with it others never ever got over it most were somewhere in between, same with the bombings on the london tube
it is also true of sexual abuse and rape what happened to you was awful and that you still suffer is true and really bad, I have never been were you have been so can't comment but there isn't always a direct link between amount of trauma and the amount of PTSD etc I think different personalities process things differently and some manage to put it in a mental compartment and leave it there, not everyone needs to unpack it but that doesn't make them better it just works for them
it is like grief too, some people need to talk others just need to be left alone and really don't find talking helpful in fact the reverse
my brother died when he was 5 he had a brain haemorrhage I was upset at the time I wish it hadn''t happened but it no longer affects me in anyway day to day, I have his photo on the wall it doesn't upset me i just remeber the happy boy he was, the anniversary of his deathand birthday are no longer sad for me, my parents also are OK with it I believe the hope they have of meeting again in heaven helps them

He had one experience and moved on.

You grew up a woman in a society that teaches and then forces women to put up and shut up a lot. It also teaches us to internalise and blame ourselves for that.

There’s nothing wrong with you. The only thing the attackers saw was your vulnerability. We all have that but sometimes we manage to look tough enough on the outside that predators choose easier looking prey.

You are having an ordinary reaction to extraordinary circumstances.
It’s ok to have conflicting feelings and irrational responses.
It bullshit.
All of it!

And it’s ok to be mad and sad about it!

People react in different ways to the same events.
Please let him raise it if he needs or wants to talk about, or leave it under wraps if he doesn't.
His experience is for him to manage how he chooses.

I'm sorry these things happened to you both.

People deal with things in different ways. Me and my husband went though something really triggering and traumatic. At least I found it traumatic. My husband doesn’t even remember it happened unless I remind him. I am messed up about it, he isnt.

He may not have fully unpicked his own feelings about his experience. He may have suppressed the memories to make it easier to cope with or get over. It's well known that often men don't talk about these things and perhaps he's dealt with it enough in his own mind because he didn't feel he could discuss it at the time.

Your experiences were different, you are both different. There's no right way to heal or cope or share.

Perhaps you are so upset about this because you reacted and coped differently to your own trauma, and you're reacting that way to his because he doesn't seem to be as affected by it? (Not sure how to word that right)

I'm so sorry this happened to you - and your partner.

Some people have less resilience factors in their lives which makes them more vulnerable to the longer lasting impacts of trauma. There's not anything 'wrong' or 'off' about you and there's not anything wrong with your partner either. Everybody in this situation is doing the best they know how, with the resources that they had / have available to them. You were both kids. Give yourself - and him - a break.

@Bunnybigears

People don't all react the same way. I was sexually abused as a child and even though some people won't believe me it honestly doesn't bother me, obviously I wish it hadn't happened but it doesn't cause me any problems at all. Other people I know hve had similar experiences and it dominates their lives. Different strokes for different folks.

This. I know of a few people who were abused as children. They each reacted and react differently to that abuse. For example, one told their parents, who were brilliantly supportive, helped them to report the abuse to the police etc, and that in turn has helped the abused person to process the abuse.

Another told their parent, who told them to never speak of it again. So they didn't, until many years later when it all came tumbling out. The parent still denies it ever happened, and insists the abused person is a liar. Fortunately, the person who was abused is fairly grounded, all things considered, and has severed all ties with the enabling/abusive parent.

Yet another was completely unable to talk about the abuse for many years, until the nightmares were impacting on their own family's life. That poor soul blamed themselves for many years, and still does, to an extent. (It wasn't their fault. It never is).

In my experience of supporting those who've experienced abuse of any kind, some people will believe, and others will go into denial. "That can't be right!" "No... not him/her" and that sort of thing.

Abuse is not banal. Neither is being groomed. It's an insidious thing to do to someone.

Therapy: I'm wondering if you're with SV2, or another organisation like them? Here's a link. Have a look, and see what you think of them. There's a self-referral link on that page. www.sv2.org.uk/help-support/counselling-therapy/

There is another support organisation whose name I cannot remember right now. If/when I do, I'll post that information here for you.

People process trauma so differently. It's very likely that it does bother him, a lot. But it's not always surface and actually it can be oddly easy to 'forget' about these things. Dh has been through some traumatic experiences (not with sexual abuse, but with abuse and just seeing dysfunction and addiction that not child should be exposed to). Day to day, he's fine, much more together than me. But sometimes it comes out, and I know it's really affected him. There is in fact probably something about you that he found really comforting because of your own experience. It would have been subconscious. But people are attracted to others because they connect on levels that they may not even realise they connect on, in terms of coping mechanisms and beliefs, etc.

But there is oddly also something to be said for 'forgetting'. I was sexually abused as a child (well, by another child, but my memory is blurry if there was another adult present or involved or not). I have always known this happened. I can remember where I was, what the sunlight looked like, what I was thinking about, like it happened yesterday (it would have probably been 35 years ago). But I completely didn't think about it.

Like I always knew it happened, but it wasn't until something else happened in my life (to someone else), that I was like, 'oh god, that's what that was!' It had just seemed really ordinary. And actually even now it doesn't affect me. I don't feel upset thinking about it or talking about it. I am very nervous about my children being abused. I'm incredibly hypervigilant. I can sniff out someone who is not safe from a mile away. Truly. I've identified 3 child sexual abusers in my own life (one in a work capacity, I had a safeguarding role and I just knew; and two in my personal life, confirmed because I did some research and hired a private investigator to dig up their past convictions, because I could not get info from Sarah's law even though they had contact with my dc). I just have an instinct. That's how it's affected me. But day to day, I'm not bothered.

That doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. Just people deal with trauma differently and it affects them in different ways. There will be a way that your dh is affected. It might just not be obvious to you because it's not the same way you have been affected. And that's okay.

to both of you though. It's really tough. Hang in there.

I was abused by 4 different people in my childhood, starting when I must have been about 5 and finishing when I was 16. I never told anyone about any of it until I was in my 50s. I thought that I had dealt with it and I was unaffected. But in fact it affected every aspect of my life and still does. I have told 3 people about it and have been astonished that none of them asked me anything about it. To tell each one took huge emotional effort and felt like a huge deal and I felt my experiences were just dismissed as uninteresting. In reality, it is likely that those I told had no idea what to do with the information and didn't want to be intrusive. So they asked no questions at all.

I am still trying to pluck up courage to see a therapist, but it's not easy.

I can't advise you about how your partner is and how you should deal with his experiences. But if I were him, I would love you for your anger on my behalf. I would want someone who loved me to show me how unacceptable my experience was, to acknowledge how powerless I was and how it wasn't my fault. Because, even though I know, intellectually, that I was not to blame, I feel that it was my fault and that the repeated instances show that I must have done something to encourage the perpetrators. I must have been bad.

It makes me weep to think about it, so I try really hard not to; but I think it would do me good to talk it all out and expose all that shit to the light.

Good luck OP

Weedoogie: I am crying and fucking furious that this happened to you. Absolutely enraged. You are NOT to blame.

it is in no way your fault or any weakness in you that means you have reacted differently to what happened to you. Please don't be hard on your self or angry at him for his own reactions. Its completely separate... separate events, different people.. sometimes these things can be very strange the way they effect you...
I was sexually assaulted as a young teen on a train in Broad daylight and it doesnt seem that bad to tell the story, this middle aged man just grabbed my but then licked his lips and walked off..
When I was a year older I was actually raped (penetrative sex) whilst very drunk at a party....
I never think of the rape now days at all tbh with you...
But for some reason I still to this day have nightmares about that man on the train.. the look in his eyes... I've never gotten over that in any way and I cant explain why at all
Not that these events weren't both awful.. but my reaction over time to them has been very different and I have honestly no idea why really.. one I seem to be have had a much easier time coming to terms with... God knows why but im just saying this to show you that even the same person can respond differently to similar events at different times.. its really complex. It can be for loads of reasons that are outside your own control.
Theres nothing wrong with you and your reaction or with your husband and his reaction...
Please be kind to yourself and do not compare your own experience and reactions directly to his. You are two different people and these were two different events and your reactions mean nothing bad about either of you.

@Unicant

it is in no way your fault or any weakness in you that means you have reacted differently to what happened to you. Please don't be hard on your self or angry at him for his own reactions. Its completely separate... separate events, different people.. sometimes these things can be very strange the way they effect you... I was sexually assaulted as a young teen on a train in Broad daylight and it doesnt seem that bad to tell the story, this middle aged man just grabbed my but then licked his lips and walked off.. When I was a year older I was actually raped (penetrative sex) whilst very drunk at a party.... I never think of the rape now days at all tbh with you... But for some reason I still to this day have nightmares about that man on the train.. the look in his eyes... I've never gotten over that in any way and I cant explain why at all Not that these events weren't both awful.. but my reaction over time to them has been very different and I have honestly no idea why really.. one I seem to be have had a much easier time coming to terms with... God knows why but im just saying this to show you that even the same person can respond differently to similar events at different times.. its really complex. It can be for loads of reasons that are outside your own control. Theres nothing wrong with you and your reaction or with your husband and his reaction... Please be kind to yourself and do not compare your own experience and reactions directly to his. You are two different people and these were two different events and your reactions mean nothing bad about either of you.

Unicant (and anyone else affected by thos shitty dreams and nightmares). Have a read of "Hallucinations" by Oliver sacks. The dreams/nightmares aren't hallucinations in the "tripping" sense, bu they *are the brain's way of processing the abuse.

There's a link to the "night hags" chapter here. It may help people suffering with those awful dreams that seems so very real:

www.sleepneurology.com/2013/02/narcolepsy-and-night-mares-and-night.html

That dream/nightmare about being unable to dial out for help on the 'phone/unable to speak when the line connects? It's a classic psycholigical dream/nightmare. As soon as you *do speak out/tell someone, that one stops.

Be kind to yourself, and your husband. It's not your fault, and it's not his either. People react in different ways. Sometimes very different ways.

.

NAPAC is the support organisation, perhaps what you were trying to recall MmeLaraque?

I was raped when I was a teenager, I rarely think about it tbh (pretty much never) it hasn't affected my life and I'm not traumatised by it. Everyone is different,

We all react differently to traumatic experiences, some fight, some freeze. Afterwards some bury deep and never speak, some go to pieces, some get revenge, again all different no judgement.

I know somebody that went through a horrendous experience she will not be beaten and shows her strength in life without looking back...that's her way. Others cannot do that and may need lots of therapy and never recover, seek help in drugs etc etc...

Different people, different mental health, different coping

Being groomed and being raped are not banal experiences.

Your post has brought to mind a couple of pieces of trauma research I read a while back.

One of the pieces involved a couple who had been in the same traumatic incident. Both had PTSD but they were each affected completely differently. One was numb / shut down and one was hypervigilant / distressed. Their brain scans showed they had each been affected differently.

Everybody is different. There is no fault or blame that those two people who were in the same incident were affected in different ways. It was just because they were different people, with different life experiences, and different brains and bodies.

Your trauma is your trauma.

There is also research that shows the immediate aftermath of a trauma can influence how deeply traumatised the person is. For instance, if they have people intervene and care for them in a way that makes them feel safe they may be less traumatised.

There are many factors. But being traumatised is not something you've done to yourself and beating yourself up will only exacerbate it.

Some people genuinely escape without lasting trauma because it resolves naturally, some end up with PTSD because the trauma overwhelms the brain's ability to recover, and some appear ok despite still being traumatised because their trauma resulted in their brain shutting down their feelings and getting stuck in a dissociative state.

I agree when people say we all react differently to different traumas.
I was date raped at 20, i was angry but like your husband for some reason it didn't bother me too much and I have probably thought about it less than a handful of times since.

However , I had a termination a few years later and 15 years on the termination still affects my mental health.

Maybe booking an appt with your old therapist to maybe talk through how you feel about your husbands experience would be helpful.

Xx

People also tend to have more ongoing trauma if they've experienced multiple traumatic events.

Being groomed as a teenager is not a single incident, it's a pattern of violation and betrayal. It disrupts your ability to feel safe around other people in a profound and ongoing way.

Followed by a very significant trauma later. I'm not surprised it left you deeply traumatised.

I disagree with your conclusion that you drew them to you. They targeted you, which is different.

I hope you are able to go a bit easier on yourself one day.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

I’m going to read them and take time to think them over. I need space to process these feelings so I’m going to pull back from this thread and read it a bit at a time. Thank you.

@nyoman

NAPAC is the support organisation, perhaps what you were trying to recall MmeLaraque?

That's one of them. Thanks for the reminder. There's another I was thinking of. I have some emails, after I referred someone, but cannot work out which folder I stashed them in.

I think the organisation I was trying to remember may have been "Stop it now". I wasn't best impressed with them, but they're worth a try, because experiences differ greatly.

NAPAC and SV2 offered a much more supportive service, in my experience. My apologies for the confused-sounding post. It's been a while since I had any contact with any of these organisations, and I noticed that people thrashing things out amongst other supporters and other people who had experienced abuse was much more effective. Other people's experience may vary.

The singular thing I *did notice, OP, was that so many people seemed to know someone who had been abused as a child. Abuse would appear to have been so much more prevalent than anyone ever considered, and families either ignored it, or (worse) enabled it.

Don't be afraid to seek support/counselling for this, OP. I've met so many people who had to deal with abuse, and mostly from family members, whilst other family members refused to stop the abuse.

It didn't surprise me one bit when the Jimmy Saville case finally blew up, because this has been going on for *so long. Big hugs.

Hi, TangledThoughts, hope you're doing okay ,

And I know that my reaction to what dh revealed is completely wrong and unreasonable and irrational. Feelings can't be wrong. Feelings are just feelings - emotional reactions within the body that depend on a vast range of subtle reasons. It would be like saying that "I know my headache is completely wrong and unreasonable".

It's always okay to feel whatever you feel. Choose your actions based on your morality - which I'm sure you are already doing - and let your feelings be whatever they are.

Seems like the crux of what you are struggling with is this: Now I feel like there’s something even more wrong with me that it affected me so deeply. I know that feeling so well. In fact, I think it's incredibly common if you have trauma, to worry about your reaction, to want to justify it. I've read a lot about the science of trauma, and there are a lot of non-obvious factors that affect whether you get traumatised by an event. For example, abuse perpetrated by someone in a position of trust. Previous traumas, or a childhood that is not warm and nurturing. During the event, being overwhelmed by it and freezing and disassociating.

If you want to read more about the science, Babette Rothschild and Bessel Van der Kolk have both written books on it. But they are tough reading, particularly the latter, so take your time, and focus on creating safety in your current environment.

It really depends on the circumstances and how vulnerable a person feels. A sexual abuse experience when I was 11 would be considered minor physical abuse to what I experienced as a young adult. But it’s the experience when I was 11 that has left lasting effects on me and my young adult experiences not at all. I asked myself the same question. It’s because I felt much for vulnerable as a child. I felt my life was in danger if I stopped anything.